Jerkface.

Are you going to make me wait for you? Jerk.

Take me back to when you and I used to write one another every other day. When did it become every other three days? Every other week? Bi-weekly? Tri-weekly? Every other month? Take me back to when you still liked talking to me. Take me back to when you got excited reading about the silly things I say, or so you say.

Why must you over think this when I didn’t? Jerk.

I’m prepared to YOLO it with you. Jerk.

I knew you weren’t interested. Jerk.

Coward. Jerk.

You never even laughed once at my jokes. Jerk.

Don’t you dare show your face again. Jerk.

Or my feelings will come back. Jerk.

A Thousand Times

A thousand times, I am as sure as can be
It is your life that I would risked mine saving
When skies are dreary and life overtakes me
You assure me that mine is still worth braving 
But who's he in my peripheral vision
Causing a stir in this perfect frame of trust
With a ready heart on a ninja's mission
Trying to crush our simple love to dust
Still I look at you with a soft, yearning heart
As I think of one of your crooked smiles
So many things that I love... where should I start
That list would go on for a thousand miles
There will be times where my heart is set to roam
Straying towards somebody temptingly new
But I know you're that warmth I want in my home
Trailing a mere thousand pebbles back to you
Like a pinky promise kept in my locket
I'll treat your heart right however I know best
Safely hold mine inside of your shirt pocket
Keeping my love the closest thing to your chest
When weakness happens to leave my heart unsure
Tell me of a thousand reasons why I can't
If in life, I can keep you and nothing more
That is more than a thousand wishes can grant
A thousand ways you have opened up my heart
A thousand times I am as sure as can be
No matter how long it takes for us to start
That in the end there is only you and me


[A lot of editing and re-editing on the bus on my way to and from work to make this right. This poem came to me when I was listening to Canon in D by Pachelbel. This was the song that made me think of Mr. Google when I started liking him. Then all of a sudden, I see Ninja Dragon in the corner of my eye. How did he come into a song that was made for two? But as you can see, in the end, there's going to be no third party..]

Naked

I had a dream a couple of nights ago where I was at work and I was naked from the waist down. I wasn't even wearing underwear! I was just trying to find something to cover myself up. When my coworker passed by, I asked him to help me look for something to cover up. I wasn't embarrassed. I just wanted some undies! I woke up wondering why I dreamt that..

So I did some research. Psychological Meaning: It is a metaphor that exposes the dreamers perceived faults or feelings of vulnerability to some situation in their life. The fact that other people are oblivious to the dreamer's nudity indicates that they should discard as groundless any fears that they will be rejected if their real self is revealed. If you dream of being ashamed or frightened of being naked this may indicate a fear of relationships or of showing your real feelings.

Hmm, one of the reasons why I don't strive too hard is because of my fear of never being good enough. This is also the same reason why I don't put myself out there when it comes to love. I'm afraid that my real self will be rejected. But maybe they're right. Maybe my fears are groundless. Maybe I'm overthinking the situation. I'm just afraid of opening up my heart if that means having it break into a million pieces.

I guess I'm afraid of meeting Mr. Google in October. That's when I'm going to build up enough courage to meet him. But what if he doesn't like me? What if I don't meet up to his expectations? What if he thinks I'm stupid? What if we have nothing to talk about? What if these past 7 months of talking, that there was nothing really there? I guess the sooner we meet, the faster we know right? Am I that subconsciously afraid to meet him. What if he doesn't like me? What if I don't like him?

Dream Catcher

I've had three dreams in the past three nights. It seems like my heart was trying to tell me something.

After he didn't respond for a couple of days, the absence was getting to me.. And that's when I had the first dream. The first one was about this ninja dragon. We started dating and then one day this girl comes up to me and tells me that she and he have been dating for 6 months now. I was shocked but relieved that I found out before I went in too deep. I gave her a "girl, thanks for telling me" look and I gave her a gansta' handshake like she was my homie. I woke up from this dream at around 5:45 in the morning. I checked my mail. He finally replied to me... that ninja dragon. I read a few lines and that comforted me enough to fall back asleep before I had to wake up for work. Oddly enough, he wrote about how he unknowingly was the "other man". I guess in this dream, I was the "other woman".

Dream number two was about ninja dragon again. I was more of a spectator in this one. I saw him hanging around with his friends on a bleacher. The first thought I had was that he lied to me about how he looked like. I guess this came out of when I tried finding him on Facebook and this creepy looking guy came out on the search. Rest assured, ninja dragon was behind that guy, and he was as charismatic as he claimed to be. He was hanging around his ex. I was an onlooker.. feeling jealous about their 3 year relationship even though it ended. Still, three years.. that's a lot of history.

I had dream number three last night. It wasn't about the ninja dragon. It was about .. I don't even know what nickname to call him. I'm going to call him 'google' because of the infinite knowledge he seems to contain. My cousins are rooting for him. They're rooting for me to end up with him in my fairytale. I guess my subconscious won't let me forget about him either. Unlike the other two dreams I had about the ninja dragon, this was a somewhat pleasant dream. It's weird. I was at the dragon boat festival and I saw him like I wanted to. He was laughing and hanging out with his friends. He had an earring on his right ear. I hope it doesn't mean he's gay. I 'm leaning towards how my subconscious wanted me to think he's somewhat of a bad boy. haha. I thought to myself that he's way cuter in person. It ended up at this house party for family, relatives and apparently friends too. I was sweaty as if I came from racing boats as well. I was trying to make myself look more appealing with makeup. I was looking for him, but instead I met someone new. We became fast friends. He was looking at me the way I was looking at google. It was weird because they were both the same person, but separated. Two googles in one dream.

Again, what a fickle heart. I just shouldn't feel like this until I get my feet closer to one of the doors.

Fickled Heart

Sometimes I wonder why I was given all these emotions and desires when they will never be satiated? I wanted him so bad that I was going to go insane if he didn't message me again. After a month, he did. The build up to it seems more emotional than actually reading the conversation. I remembered feeling quite wowed at a lot of the things he's written to me in the past. What is this feeling I feel towards him now? Do I like him for the sake of liking him? Or do I like him because he embodies the type of guy I want? I do not know..

But someone new came into my life.. and he's funny. Talking to him is a like a breath of fresh air. I love meeting new people with common interests. He shares a love for taking pictures like me. But I have to be careful. I must not get excited. It could be an illusion just like the first one. But he's good. He curses a lot, but I've always wanted my number two to be a bad boy.

I have a fickle heart. Fickle, indeed. Let's hope that once I'm taken, my heart becomes still.

Handsome Stranger

I never thought about my type
And allowing my heart to lead the way
But the second I saw you standing there
I knew you were the one to stay

I haven't seen you around
Maybe our paths were just that distant
Perhaps we met upon a dream
And you came into my life that instant

This handsome and kind six-foot stranger
Oh, how my heart did go insane
Without a word, I lost all rationale
And just a foolish girl remains

He Who I Desire

I'm slowly, but surely, trying my best to become a more desirable person. Seeing him makes me want to obtain it even more. On my bus ride to work, I saw this tall guy. He didn't get on the bus because he saw that the Limited Q65 was right behind. He signaled my bus driver that he won't be getting on.. That, to me, shows that he cared enough to acknowledge that my driver would have stopped for him. He was super tall and extremely good looking.

On the bus ride home, he got on the same bus as me. Fate? I would have loved to think so, but doubt it. He was extremely tall. He wasn't as good looking as I thought he was, but nevertheless, he was so handsome in my eyes. He had a Blackberry. I think I saw a picture of a small dog on it. Great, the only reason for having such a small dog is because it was a dog he bought for his girlfriend. I couldn't possibly expect this guy to be single. There was this one girl who was about to get off the bus, but her bag strap was caught on something and she couldn't get it out. He went and pushed the door open so that the driver wouldn't leave without her getting off. I like that he didn't invade her space by trying to help her with the strap. He was more logical and righteous. What more can you ask for?

I never really know the type of guy I want. I've always had a floating taste in guys, letting my heart judge who it wants for it. Ahh, he's the kind of guy I want. If I were to want someone like him, I have to be someone worthy of getting someone like that. I have to work on myself. Now that I know who I want, it's up to my willpower to get it for me.

There was this guy who was sitting across from me on the bus who was kind of creepy. I think he was making eyes at me. I couldn't tell for sure because the light was reflecting on his glasses.. but it was really creepy that he would look at me and keep staring even when he saw me look at him..

These things that happen..

Who am I to judge anyone? Who am I not to give some people a chance? Who am I to refuse?

Well, everyone has a choice in who they want. Regardless of who you are and how you look, there's no reason for anyone to settle. I know the type I want. I know it well now. I will not settle for anyone less than someone that can shock my heart into awesomeness.

I Like Him

I think it's a little off-putting that I like this guy so much. A part of me want to meet him and go to a museum. Another part of me is scared that if I did meet him, he wouldn't meet up to my expectations. The fact that this could possibly be all in my head frightens me.. One minute, I'm happy thinking about him and what we could be. Another minute, I'm hating myself for liking someone who doesn't even care for me the same way. Why am I wasting my time? Why...

[Hey,

I had a dream about you the other day.. It was so weird. We were in my aunt's bedroom, which was also an office. We would steal glances at each other, but never at the same time because it was too unnerving. There was a point when I tried avoiding going near you by making my own pathway behind the head of the bed. It was so weird. Then finally, I looked at you and waved. You smiled and waved back. How did you know I like crooked smiles?]

I'm trying my best this summer to lose weight. I think 25 years of being self-conscious is enough.. If I become this beautiful girl.. I might still want my nerdy guy who can't even finish a single beer in his lifetime. But then again, who am I to say that he wants me?

The Girl With Two Types

None of my friends can really pinpoint the type of guy that I'm into. Maybe because I have so many types.

Nothing is ever in black and white, but to put my plans in black and white, I want to have at least two relationships in my lifetime. One, that will last for a couple of months to a year. He will be the guy that I lust after because he has this certain passion and I am drawn to. He's the guy that I will kiss in the rain. He's the guy that I will be adventurous with. He will be the guy that pushes me against the wall and aggressively make out with me. He will let me climb on top of him on the sofa and make out for hours at a time only coming up for air. He will have tattoos and a mohawk.

Then there's the other guy. He's the nice guy that I will marry and spend the rest of my life with. He's the perfect guy for me. He will talk to me when I am sad and stressed. He will brighten up my day with sweetness and humor. I will die for him as he will die for me. I will always look at him in the most loving way I could possibly look at someone. He will bring me flowers for no reason. He is my Canon in D. He will be my sweetest, everlasting love.

Weight loss has to be this year. My life is on the line. If I don't lose weight this year, I will never find the two men of my dreams. Even though the men of my dreams wouldn't care about my size, if I want some Grade A men, I'm going to have to look my best. I want to offer as much as I am willing to accept in return.

Me and Him

Me: "Since I don’t go out a lot, I’d like to make the best of my time if I do. If that means getting drunk so I’m in a happier state, then so be it! Pre-drunk me is more likely to not talk to anyone. Drunk me would talk to anyone who wants to conversate. I cannot socialize with strangers sober. I don’t know what to talk about. I think if we ever conversated in real life, it’ll last for 5 minutes. The good thing about messages is that you can sit and think about what to talk about, whereas, in real life, socializing doesn’t come naturally if you don’t know what to talk about."

Him: "I completely agree with you on the messages thing. Especially since we're writing essays to each other, not little one-line responses. Why do you think it takes me so long to respond? I absolutely value the opportunity to think about what you're going to say before saying it."

[ "absolutely value.." Do you know how excited I was when I read this? Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but the fact that he thinks about me and what I might write next is a bit.. overwhelmingly awesome. He's going to be my inspiration for losing weight. When I lose enough weight in the summer, I'm going to ask him out on one date. If it works out, then great. If it doesn't, we will never talk about it again. I'm afraid.. What if he's not interested? What if the picture I painted of him becomes distorted? What if there was no chemistry? What if he thinks I'm a bimbo? What if we have absolutely nothing to talk about? I am afraid.]

Me: "Of the little hours I have free during the workweek, I like to write bits and pieces of my responses to you. So you think about what I’m going to say? Ha. Are you right most of the time because I’d like to think my thoughts are original and unpredictable. I don’t usually think about what you’re going to write. I just know I look forward to it."

'ello Mate!

Cupid brought me a new friend and he's British. Yes, my dreams of knowing a British guy has come true! Too bad I'll never hear his accent. Does that make him less British? Like that riddle: "if a tree falls but no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

I just don't know!

Guy With the Labrador

Taking a warm summer's stroll
I looked over my shoulder
For curiosity caught my eye

Never had he given me the look
As he did that warm summer's day
With a hunger in his heart

A flirtatious moment
Ah, to be young and naive
But I thought nothing of it

Until that night my heart caused a stir
He came to me in my slumber
And hunted for me as my heart desired

I woke up with a sudden lust
A desire to see him one more time
Hoping to share in that moment again

This is what it is to be young and in love
To know not why it is so
But to embrace the rawness of the heart

To want to ravage him like a playful cub
To play a game of hide and seek
With a burning desire to attack

Not The One [poem]

I can't deny your presence in my heart
Your words would make it race
A simple line can cause a spark
It's what lured me in the first place

I like your wit very much
How it intrigued me so
As easily as you can pick up crafts
Where did all my advances go?

It went over your head
As you are too geek to see
No matter how much your brain can grasp
You can't see these feelings in me

You are the epitome of whom I want
The soul I can imagine being with in awe
Perfect guy on pen and paper
A sweet love, but nothing raw

A kind love is simply not enough
I want to kiss in the rain
And fight without rhyme or reason
I want my heart to go insane

Broken Down

Man, I had a meltdown today. While pending on the coming 3 months without my awesome and faithful coworker who will be going on maternity leave, I became overwhelmed. And it didn't help that I had one of my 4 times a year periods. The Accounting intern/receptionist was out for a couple of weeks due to a bad car accident and finals. This loaded me up with twice the amount of work I usually had. And I have my coworker on the side constantly teaching me everything she does. Today, I became extra overwhelmed when I couldn't remember what she taught me before. Sure, I had my notes.. but there were so many things on my mind. You know what I dreamt about today? Fixed assets and having to email all the divisions asking for them. I just broke down. I didn't want to do it anymore.

When I sat with my coworker, I started tearing up when I told her I forgot what she taught me. When she turned to me and asked if I was crying, a tear dropped. She told me to go to the back with her for a talk. That's when I broke down. Tears fell faster than I could wipe them. With each wipe, came 2 drops more. Maybe because of the late hours I put in this week. 42 hours in 4 days. The work felt like it will never stop.. But my coworker calmed me down. She even yelled at the smelly boss who didn't want her to train me. He kept pushing it back until it was her final weeks. I learned a lot of things these couple of weeks. It took a major toll on my brain.

But I feel better now.

I Want You Because You're There

What is it that makes me crush on someone so easily? It's an office joke among the girls that I like every guy that walks into the office. I can't help it if it coincidentally happens that way! There are some good looking people that come visits. My hormones have always been out of whack and there's no one that I ever had the pleasure of releasing this passion to.

I have a moment of truth today. A person can love someone, but I don't think it's enough for me unless there's passion. I want someone that would make my heart jump with one look. I want to want them.

It's not a happy feeling when you see someone you like, but can not have. I hate that I think she's better than me. I hate to give up so easily and try to logicize the fact that it wouldn't have worked out in the end anyway.

I know what I want. I wanted the same thing I wanted when I was in 6th grade and fell in love for the first time.

Canon in D

[This poem was inspired my Pachelbel's Canon in D]

This is what I feel when I think of you
Violins strumming to the beat of my heart
Softly as it lifts my emotions down your path
While listening to the echoes of happiness cheering us on

The world bows before us
As it congratulates the undying love we found
It was a magical journey that lead me here
And the wait was well worth it in the end

I can feel you nearing as my eagerness increases
And the twinkle in my eye got a little brighter
I'm trying to hide my conspicuous heart
That is attempting to catch a glimpse at yours

This is when the world stopped
And took the minute to revolve around you and me
And made us the only two in existence
Because at this moment, time was on our side

You're so close to me now
That I can feel your warmth
Knowing that this was what I was waiting for
Knowing this was what Fate planned for us

And I explode with wonderment
As you hold my hand as if for the first time
What I felt for you the first time I met you
Will be the same each and every day you're by my side

You are here, forever in my heart
Trumpets making a statement that you're here to stay
The excitement overpowers the room
But my eyes were only drawn to you

Let this be the day that we shall remember
And as the day dies down
And people move on with their lives
Let my love grow louder for you

Kiss

I think I'm in love with my virtual pen pal. He's the smartest guy I've had the pleasure to talk to. Everything I bring up, he has a opinion on. I feed on his knowledge and I'm so attracted to his wit. This is sad. I'm falling for someone who's not as interested in me. How do I know? Well, he wouldn't respond until days later because he's so into this game called Mass Effect. I shouldn't be feeling the way I do because it's not meant to be. If it were, we would have met in real life. But since that's not the case, it's just a great loss to me.. for us.

The more I look at him, the more I wonder why I'm attracted to him. I love talking to him, but what if I had met him in real life? Would I still like him? I don't know. I just.. don't know. He's an ISFJ as well. What the hell?! That's me!

I don't want to like him. I enjoy his messages so much. I'd be so sad if it ended. I wonder if he'd feel the same way? I wonder if he chuckles when he reads my responses as I do with his.

Mmm, I can't think about this now. No strings. This was what I was trying to avoid!

Can You See Me?

It's been a while since we last spoke
But not a day goes by do I not think about you
And the times that those pictures signify

Hard to believe that I screwed up
But I wouldn't go back and erase those feelings
I'd love you the same way again

Hard to let go of us
When you were all I wanted
Like a hunger for something never to be

I yearn for you with all my heart
Broken inside for the rest of my life
Stuck in the past and never to move on

I used my pride to hide from love
And I regret I lost you
Why didn't you see through it?

Dream

I had a dream that I was with Jenny at a small party with, dare I say it, boys. I remember this guy took an interest in me and he trapped me against a wall. His face was about 2 inches from mine staring at me. I was intimidated. I looked to the left side so that I could avoid his stare. Then he got closer and took off his necklace and he put it on me. He was so close to me. I made eye contact and then I looked away. He got annoyed because he thought I wasn't interested so he wanted his necklace back. But he took off mine instead and I was like, 'that's mine..'

This dream made me realize that I do hide from love. I knew that if I looked into his eyes and felt his warmth, I would have kissed him passionately. I say that I hate when people invade my personal space, but that only applies if the person isn't welcomed. If it was a love interest, I would love for him to get up in my face and try to trigger the lust I have for the love I so want in my life. Maybe that's why I don't look at a guy in the eyes. I'm scared I would fall for him and I'm scared of what I would do when I can't control my desires. Life is too short to not live passionately and vigorously. I wonder who will be bold enough to get up in my face and make me want it? I'm very delicate. You have to approach me in the right way. Please don't give up on me.

Virtual Guys

What am I doing with my life that would make me join an online dating site? I know they say that 1 of 4 people use online dating, but I never thought I would be one of them. I'm not trying to downplay other people who use them because God knows many people find their soul mates on there. I've tried this before last October, but was scared away by some passionate stalker. But my loneliness and desire for male companionship has lead me back there once again. I'm not planning on meeting anyone on there. I simply want some male pen pals that I share common interests with. I met a couple of guys who I exchange essay long responses with.

One is so smart and I love writing to him because he's so clever and funny that it makes me smile every time. He uses so many big words and references that I'm glad I need Google's help sometimes. I love talking to him nonetheless.

One of them is nice and we often talk about our jobs and friends. We complain some too. I guess I can tell why he's not dating. He has this friend vibe.

One likes to push my buttons. He offends me by questioning why I'm on the site when I have no intention of meeting anyone on there. He also called me crazy and dramatic, which shocked me. It's not my fault that he asks me about my psychological problems and not about the happier things I like to talk about. He asked me if I liked having my buttons pushed. I do. I like that feeling of fiery passion that he made me feel when he talks to me. I like having my buttons pushed when it's someone I'm attracted to. If it was some ugly guy, then I'd get annoyed. He seemed like a cool guy. He seems too cool for me.

One is probably serendipity. There's this guy that I met freshmen year of college. Well, I didn't meet him perse. He was hanging with one of my friends from high school. She told me his name and it kind of stuck with me all these years and I didn't know that until very recently when I saw his picture on the site and his whole name came to mind. He had an unusual last name and I thought he was really good looking back then. I guess that's why I remembered him. I messaged him and now he's trying to figure out who our mutual friend is. I bet I know what he's feeling. Intrigue from the unknown and curiosity about who this girl is. Boy, disappointment will ensue if he knew I wasn't as pretty as how my pictures portray me to be.

I was having a conversation with my friend at work and she asked me why I wouldn't meet this guy since we have a mutual friend. Well, I'm afraid I'm not pretty enough. I'm afraid of the mutual friend finding out and telling my other friends about it. Her circle consist of a guy that I hate with all my heart. The one who abandoned me with no closure as I stood there wondering why he stopped talking to me all of a sudden. The one who went out with a good friend of mine and she also ended up ignoring me as well. It wasn't until years later that she began talking to me again through Facebook, or at least replies to my wall posts. They talked smack about me and I don't like that. If he were to ask our mutual about me, I could imagine all the things she would say about me. Why should I have to go through that humiliation and rejection? Why couldn't he have been a mutual friend of one of my best friends? Is it really serendipity? I'd rather not think so. He's a guy that I thought was super good looking 6 years ago. That's it.

"Life's too short to even care at all, oh oh"

Lunatic

The moon is particularly beautiful tonight
As it glistens in the dark night sky
Riding on the bus as it comes in and out of sight
And it makes life so fly

I wonder if you're somewhere watching it too
At the wonderful glow in the night
As if Fate was getting the stars aligned for us
And finally give me the love I so desire

Let the moon not drive me insane
Awaiting you today and tomorrow
Let me not cry in heartache
While watching the moon and longing in sorrow

Respect>Love

Love does not hold relationships together. Respect does.

Love may be enough for some, but it's not enough for me. Love doesn't stop other people from disrespecting your relationship .... Respect does. If your partner respects you, they won't even allow someone else to think there's a "possibility".

My friend posted this as her Facebook status and I absolutely think it's true. Love is only a part of a relationship. Anyone can love. But respect is something that has to be earned because you are worthy to be respected. A guy has to respect you enough to be truthful if he loves you and leave you if he doesn't. Respect is accepting and letting go of a guy who needs his space. Respect is restraining themselves from doing something that is more hurtful in the long run. A guy can love to women. But that's not respect. Don't make me laugh.
Hyemi fell in love and I'm really happy for her. We've always talked about our great expectations and she seems really happy. I can't wait to get a boyfriend so that we can double date. Hyemi is a real generous person and stubborn and that's what I love about her. Seeing them together is so touching. Even if Sherry gets a boyfriend before me, and we're all hanging around together and I'm the fifth wheel, I'd still be happy. I only hope that they're fine with a loner like me hanging about them, lol. So happy! Eep, yay Hyemi!

I am a Quarter!

It's official, I turned 25!

It's midnight and as tired as I feel, I think I need to write down all my emotions! I've had, for the most part, a wonderful birthweek!

Starting from Jan. 29th which was my Chinese birthday. I went with my mom to buy not 1, but 2 coats! At first, nothing really caught my eye. Then I saw one that I really liked, but it was way too small for me. Then my mom found my perfect size, but all the buttons were missing. So my mom cut all the buttons from the one I couldn't fit and I found the belt that was missing lying around somewhere in another aisle! And because the buttons were missing, I was lucky enough to get 25% off of the coat! I also bought a cheaper one because I wanted something that wasn't black like the rest of my coats and something pleated. And that's what I found! It's a pleated red coat! It makes me seem so sassy! :D Then we went to buy my cake. My friend told me that Paris Baguette sells a really good blueberry/green tea cake and a yummy sweet potato cake. The sweet potato cake just seemed so out there that I chose that one! It wasn't that bad, but my family didn't like it. Haha. It was such a small cake and for $32! I'd rather go to a more famous bakery in NYC! Next time!

1/30: I got yelled at at work by someone who's known to be a big jerk face. He's never really raised his voice at me, so I was shocked when he did. The worst part was, it was such a small thing that was blown way out of proportion. The good part is that I finally see him for how he really is: a jerk!

2/1: Annette and I went to lunch. Seeing as how we had 20 minutes left in our break, she told me to get in the car and that we were going to Mandee's to pick out my birthday present! I was shocked thinking it was so spontaneous and how I wouldn't have anything to buy there. Luckily for us, they were going out of business so everything was on sale. I got a pair of flats and a purse for less than $30! Yay. I was really happy about it. Annette is awesome.

2/2: Annette came in with a birthday balloon with a picture of Curious George eating 6 scoops of ice cream. She said it reminded her of me because she always hears me opening my candy wrappers in my cubicle. That was fun. I was never given any balloons ever. :( At around 11, Jenny texted me telling me to call her on my lunch break so that she can vent.. I was not about to call her on my break since it was going to be my birthday lunch. I took a short break and headed to the back of the office to call her. The balcony door was open and a robber/killer could be in the office hiding somewhere for all we know! Yikes! She vented about her sister. I don't like when people complain. I really don't especially when it's not that serious. Why can't she complain to herself, like I do. I'm trying to stay positive and her negativity is a real bummer. She knew I was at work or at lunch, yet she took her sweet time to talk about it. I'm like 'come on, come on!!' Then after 9 minutes, I told her I had to go and finally she let me go. The thing that bugs me is that she has a lot of friends, so why can't she distribute her complaints among her other friends! So I walked back and I was going to complain about it to Frank, but he went to talk to Annette. When I went to Annette's cubicle to talk about the open balcony door, my other coworker came out with her homemade cake and they all sang "happy birthday" to me. I was like, "OMG, I'm soo embarrassed!" and I covered my face and thanked them for it. AWESOME!! Then Annette and I went for lunch. On the drive there, we blasted gangsta music which pumped me up. She treated me to lunch. I really like her. She's wild and awesome!

2/3: I was really pumped for Saturday. I'm happy to actually make plans for my birthday and invite my friends to share it with me. I'm meeting one of my best friend's very first boyfriend for the first time. After a very early dinner, we're going to a karaoke lounge during happy hour and hopefully laugh, sing, dance and be merry! This would be my first time at a club besides that one time I went to Hunkamania for my cousin's bachelorette party.

I'm grateful to have good friends, even if I don't have a lot. I'm happy to share me turning 25 with people who are close to me. I will surely cherish this!

I JUST CAN'T WAIT!!!

update:
So it's the morning after my birthday. I got up and made some cookies, as is the tradition whenever I meet Hyemi and Sherry. Did 20 minutes on the treadmill, and then relieved some stress onto the punching bag. I tried to be really happy because it's my birthday, and it's the first time I've ever made plans to hang out. Took a shower, cut some bangs and finally whipped out my new Burberry glasses to wear.

Got dressed. My room is soo messy. I really need to donate some of my clothes to those clothing bins. I have too many clothes I don't wear! And I headed out. Met them at the shao long bao place. The place was packed, so we waited for about 20 minutes, but we kept ourselves entertained. There was this guy eating alone by the window. It looked like he was eating with someone, but she was no longer there. Ti said it must be his mother, and Sam said it could have been his girlfriend. The jokes basically wrote themselves because he looked so lonely and in deep thought about something sad. He was consuming his food rather slowly, and often times, the waiters were looking over his shoulders to see if he's done yet. It's rather sad. We were joking about how maybe he'll be famous one day by writing a book about his sadness or even create a Korean drama him sitting by himself and eating. He won't look like the main character, then we find out that he is! Haha. We finally got seated and Jenny came later. Everyone treated me to dinner against my will.

And then we headed to the karaoke place. What a shady place. On their site, they said that they had happy hour during 5pm-9pm and the rooms were half off and so were the beers. Hyemi bought a cake for me and they all sang to me. :) I was soo happy. lol. Except for my sucky ass camera keep saying that there was no batteries and it wouldn't stay focused so all I had were blurry pictures. After 2 hours, we asked for the check and it came out to be $120. WTF! And apparently, we could have bought food up to the amount that we paid for the room. That's not what they had on their site. So Sam went to talk to them. They eventually allowed us to stay an extra half an hour and order all the food we didn't before. We rushed through it. What a terrible place! My first bad review on yelp is coming up!

After, Jenny drove me to my grandma's house. Hung around until my dad came to pick us up. Thanked everyone on Facebook for their wishes especially those who came out for me. :) What a great 25th birthday!

Ended the night with this video my cousins made for me <3

Respect Their Choice

Is it true? Can someone really force you to fall for a person that you had no intentions of falling for?

It couldn't possibly be true, right?

Right?

As an Asian American, I was raised a certain way, but was taught another. As a Chinese person, I was raised to respect your elders, to be shy, to be behaved, and to do well in school. As a Chinese girl, I wasn't allowed to go out as much as my brother did. My wildness has always been inhibited because of the restraints my parents put on my social life.

That, I resented. As I grow older, I still feel like they treat me like a child. I've never done anything that caused them to mistrust me, yet they do. It kind of forces me to lie to them or feel like lying when I do feel like rebelling. Maybe ignorance is bliss for them.

I wondering how much falling is required for me to get glimmers in my eyes. I think about the great love that I will have. As much as I want love, I still smile with hope that my love will be a great one when it comes.

If I were to like someone who was not available, it's merely a crush. I don't need to fall hard for anyone who has chosen another.

I think love is hard. But it's definitely well worth it.

Why Can't We Love Mutually?

You know what the hardest thing about falling in love is? To believe that he's totally into you when in reality, it's just not true.

Is there such a thing as a guy with a girlfriend who comes to the realization that he belongs with someone else and immediately forsakes his old lover? Not unless it was a fairy tale. Why can't we all love mutually? Do we have to love the wrong people in order to realize who the right person is? Is love so precious that we have to go through much hardship in order to obtain a decent amount of it?

At my cousin's housewarming, my older cousins asked me where my boyfriend was. As always, I joke about how my mom would go back to China and bring me back a husband. They said that anyone I date must be approved by them. I have no doubt that whomever I date will be an awesome guy. I told them that when I get a boyfriend, he would surpass all their expectations and more. I have faith that I would find a nice person and he would just be awesome.

I was on the bus and I saw this guy. He looked like a punk. He had a spiked lip ring and he was doodling. That appeals to me so much. Ahh, to have a bad boy with a great heart. That would be ideal for me. Who says that the inside has to match the outside? Why can't we be a little deceitful?

I have come to realize that in order to have someone great, I need to be someone great. I can't receive more than I can give myself. My friend asked my other friend to set me up. I guess she pities me because I'm single and never mingled. He showed her a picture of one of his single friends. Before she sent the picture to me, she said, "Well, maybe he has a really nice personality". Uh-oh, you know what that means! He was a chubby buddy. Like I told my cousin, I cannot date a chubby guy. I don't want us to be known as the chubby couple, you know? I'm self conscious as is with my weight and since I started working at the office, I've gained back most of the weight that I've sweated off from the gym back in October. Boy was I mad about that. All that hard work. Well, that has to change!

I mean, given another circumstance, I might have been interested in him for his personality, but not now. The main reason that I don't like to be set up is because I don't want to disappoint them when they see me. I feel like they'll take one look at me and brush me off. That's why I'd rather date someone who's actually seen and knew what I was about. If I were to be asked out, it would be because of my awesome personality. Not my looks.

And throwing me into the mix hoping that I'd hit it off with a potential suitor is the worst thing to do! My awkward, shyness comes out and he would barely know me as a person. I'd act so indifferent to the point that I don't seem that likable at all.

And again, I've said this many times. If I lost the weight and became a sexy offender, then I'd be quite snooty. I don't know how that would fend with others but I'm definitely not going to settle. If I have more to offer, then he should as well. I should have lost the weight before the year ended, but that didn't happen. Hopefully, this year, I'd fare better.

Dear Future Boyfriend,

I'm turning 25 soon. Hopefully, that means you're going to pop into my life any time now. Thank you for being sweet on me. I knew it'd take someone special to pick me out in a crowd. I would not have settled for anyone less than a great catch. Since you're my first, I want to have an unforgettable time with you. And when I look back, I'll smile at those times and be glad that I had a great first, even if you weren't my last. I'll definitely treasure the good times we've shared and the happiness that you brought into my life in whichever period of time you were present.

Thank you for bringing me out of my shell. Thank you for accepting my silence and always knowing what to say to break it. I love how funny you are and, of course, your random outbursts of quirkiness that I adore so much.

Thanks for knowing when to make me smile and when to just lend an ear. You're always patient and understanding.

Make sure to hold my hand often, for it's something I enjoy a lot. And hugging of course. I've always been a stiff hugger because of my intimacy issues with everyone. But give me some time and I'll be the best hugger in the world! I can't wait to feel your warmth.

Love,

Your Future Girlfriend