I Have Lost My Will To Live

This happens to be one of the most gut wrenching weeks of my life. This is comparable to when I had the period of depression and I didn't know what to do with myself.

All my life... I've lived to look forward to one thing. And that is love. That was my aim in life. That is what I wanted most in the whole world. Now... I feel like I've lost my will to live.

Valentine's Day was bittersweet. Jersey sent me my first bouquet of flowers and they were beautiful. He remembered where I worked when I casually told him on our first date. We met up and we went to karaoke. It was unlimited drinks, so I drank my fair share of it. I drank passed the state of intoxication. And I did the dumbass move of taking the train alone. Jersey insisted greatly, but I'm such a stubborn person that I refused it. And I was caught drunk by my parents. They were livid.

A week later, my dad asked me if I was dating. I told him I was. And once he found out that he wasn't Chinese, he flipped out. And he did nothing but speak bad about him. That angered me because he didn't know Jersey. He didn't know how well he treated me and how nice and thoughtful he was. This is what happens when the old Chinese only hang around with other Chinese people. They remain set in their own stuck up ways and they refused to accept change. If I  could take back that day, I would. It's just ammo that my parents could use against him later on.

I thought my mom would be softer to the notion but she was worst. How dare you look down on someone I liked this much? How dare you judge him by his race. Who are you and how dare you?

I broke up with him last Sunday after the talk with mom. It was so hard because I liked him so much. The most upsetting part is that even though I said that my parents could control every aspect of my life, but that the one thing they can't control is whom I love.. I had let happen. The mere thought that they would never accept him is not fair to him. Why should he have people feel ill towards him when they didn't even know him? I can't bear the fact that it was because of me that he would have these people dislike him and look down on him so much. So I ended things.

I wanted to do it face to face, but he wanted to know what I wanted to talk about. He was out with his friends that Sunday. When I asked what he was doing, he replied "missing you" and that angered me because of what I had to do. When I told him I don't think we should see each other anymore, he said "oh ok. That's fine". Was is just that easy for you, Jersey? He pointed out that it was apparently that easy for me. And we went back and forth as I begged him to meet up with me on Monday to talk about it. He was being a jerk about it refusing to meet me. Even saying that we weren't even together. So.. I wrote what I was going to say to him via text. "Fine. I'll write what I have to say then. You don't have to reply. I know you're being a jerk so you can spare seeing my cry, but I just want to apologize to you in person for hurting you even if it's a tiny speck of your heart. You're right. We weren't together. But do you think it's fucking easy for me? This is fucking breaking my heart and I can't stand the fact that my parents will never accept you bc you're not what they want. It's not fair to you that they feel this way and I'll never get over them feeling that way about you. I've always said that I'll never let them decide who I choose to love yet here it is. I don't ever want anyone to feel bad feelings towards you. And yes it was fun while it lasted. I don't regret anything with you and I'm just really sorry. You're going to make someone really lucky someday. Jersey, you're awesome and I hope we could be friends but I understand if that's a no." And then I sent him a painting that was Banksy inspired saying that he was the inspiration to my first original piece of art.

He asked me what happened but I tried changing the subject to the weather. I always did that to him when I didn't want to talk about something. "I guess it's just a joke to you then." "Don't you dare say that to me." "So why are you talking about the weather when I asked you something about us?" "My dad is against our relationship. I thought my mom would be softer to the notion but she was even worst.. All they care about is someone Chinese. And they wouldn't budge. I fought for us, so don't you dare say I didn't care about you. It wasn't easy for me to let you go so stop being such a jerk about me not caring."

He called me late that night but I cried myself to sleep. I didn't even hear my phone ring. It was 1:40 in the morning.

The next day, I spoke to Annette about it and I could barely keep my cool. I just burst into tears and I could barely read the conversation Jersey and I had. But the day went better as Jersey accepted to stay friends with me and we were talking normal. He was being so nice about it too. "Besides we've only known each other for a couple of months. We were basically friends. Not that I didn't feel anything for you besides friendship cuz I certainly did. I felt heaps, but I remember when we just started talking before we met I told you that I thought you were cool enough that even if we met and it didn't work out, I'd still like for us to be friends." That was the most perfect reply and I respected him so much for saying that. He was being so understanding and it meant a lot to me.

So we spoke normal for a few days and I was happy. I still liked him as a person and I wanted to remain on friend terms with him.

Then, another conversation with dad that just broke my heart. I was still pissed off that I had to stop dating Jersey so I was ignoring my dad. They didn't know I broke things off. He wanted to talk, but I didn't want to hear him talk down on Jersey again so I said I didn't want to talk about it. The conversation was so intense. I broke my dad's heart. But apparently, my heart breaking means absolutely nothing.

The next day as I was riding the bus, I realized that it has never been my choice to choose whom I love. I was never my own person. I was just an extension of my parents and I will forever live that way. 'I'm not suicidal, but I have lost my will to live. If I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't care.' When I got to work, tears started falling as I waited for Annette to come in to work. When she got in, I asked her to go to the back with me so that I could tell her what happened as I cried hysterically at the Fate I never knew I had. All I've ever wanted was to find love and that's no longer my choice in the matter. So what is it that I'm living for? That's what I asked Annette.. What am I living for now?

Friday, he wished me a "good morning gorgeous" and I was like eww because what was Jersey thinking? I thought we went through this. So I changed the conversation so that it looks like he's calling the cold weather gorgeous. But no, he came back to it. "No I was calling you gorgeous." He asked if I wanted to see the Lego Movie. I'm dying to see that movie and he knows that. But to see him on a Friday night like I have done every friday night would raise suspicion from my parents so I declined. It's so hard when you have Annette telling me that she approves of Jersey and our relationship. And then you have Jersey telling me that he's willing to learn Chinese for me and saying that his great great great grandmother might have been Chinese. His sweetness just breaks my heart. And it just makes me angrier at my parents for looking down on such a great guy. Fine, I won't date him, but don't look down on him. Fucked up.

I feel like I'm going into my dark place again because all I want to do is to be alone and cry. Cry for the life I thought was my own. Cry for the great love I might have lost. Cry for the part of my heart that died. Cry for the pain I've cost another. Cry for the pride my parents have. I wasn't raised to care about money. It was never important to me. All I care about is finding someone worthy to love and just live a happy life. I've never been a happy person. I've just been good at burying my sadness. Now that I know it's not my life to live.. I've died on the inside. I'm just a zombie. Can someone die from a broken heart? If so, I might die sooner than I thought I would.

I'm alway happy come Friday because I had seeing Jersey to look forward to. He would have been the guy I looked forward to seeing in the summer when I have my hectic schedule when Annette goes on maternity leave. He would be my rejuvenation when I've had a long week at work. My parents took that away from me. The summer is going to be torturous and no one can comfort me.

I Found It in Jersey

Still single.. but hopefully not for long..

After the whole shirt thing with Japan, I felt like he's been distancing himself from me. At one point, I told him a hilarious, racy joke and he ignored me for a week. And I called him out on it. Then he ignored me for another week. Thinking that was the end of our online talks, I went back on to skout for male companionship. Japan shocked and kind of broke my heart when he ignored me. We've been talking for so long that he was someone I considered consistent in my life. He wasn't like Chicago bc Japan was closer. Even if I didn't think much of him in a romantic way, it was heartbreaking that he could stop talking to me like that.

And so I went back on skout. I went through my old messages and noticed this one guy that I've always seen on there. I didn't even realize he messaged me so I messaged him back. And that's when I started liking him. I liked that he got my jokes and played along with them. I liked that he remembers the things I tell him. I like that he's confident and funny. I like that we're different, but get along. It's been over a month of talking. He certainly is a smooth talker. We've established that we are just about opposites. But I like him nonetheless. And I met him for a brief moment the day after Christmas. I brought him some of my lemon cookies. We hugged hello and we hugged goodbye. I remember his face being ever so soft. I liked his voice.. Upon meeting him.. I wasn't sure if I liked him.. But the more I thought about it.. the more I seemed to like him and missed talking to him. We even texted for a whole 8 hours one night! And he won his first final fantasy football league :). He called me his lucky charm :).

He calls me Rikers. He seems awesome... I hope he's not going to be another Chris.. I fear that the most... That I might fall for someone really fast and fall out of it just as fast. Whoever Jersey is.. I really want to get to know him... <3>