A Nobody's Love

I was prepared to take the dive
To fuel the reason why I'm still alive
Ready to throw myself in head first
Into the deep with a heart filled with thirst
And if I find that we shan't work
Better you, than I, that be the jerk

What I was not prepared to gain
Was another person's stain
That left him unable to leave the past
So he holds onto this idea that we'd last
A broken promise that broke his heart
I didn't know how I would play my part

If our fate should separate into two
Wish me well as I would wish it for you
And if I shan't see you for a while
Remember me as the one who made you smile
Like two puzzle pieces that almost fit
Close to perfect but not quite it

I was prepared to get my foot in the door
But not if I knew I'd hurt you more
If I should get the short end later on
I'll fix myself when you're gone
I'm just a nobody waiting for a nobody too
So I might not be that somebody for you

[I wrote this a while back. I guess it's about starting a relationship and being afraid of the future. My biggest fear is to let someone in and I end up hurting him. I guess this is what I was talking about when I called myself a considerate person. Humble? sometimes. haha.

I think emotionally, I'm stronger than a lot of people. My emotions are something I can control. At least, my emotions are my own problem. But when it comes to other people and their feelings.. it gets complicated. I've always been by myself. I like my alone time and I hate when people depend on me. I guess it's a fear of letting people down. Will I ever consider myself? Will I give up this fear and take the chance of possibly breaking someone's heart?

Like Emily Dickinson's poem: I'm just a nobody looking for a nobody..]
I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!
They'd banish us; you know!
How dreary to be somebody!
How public like a frog
To tell one's name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

I'm Nobody! Who are you? Are you – Nobody – too? Then there's a pair of us! Don't tell! they'd advertise – you know! How dreary – to be – Somebody! How public – like a Frog –  To tell one's name – the livelong June –  To an admiring Bog! - See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15392#sthash.gwKAYspu.dpuf

I'm Nobody! Who are you? Are you – Nobody – too? Then there's a pair of us! Don't tell! they'd advertise – you know! How dreary – to be – Somebody! How public – like a Frog –  To tell one's name – the livelong June –  To an admiring Bog! - See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15392#sthash.gwKAYspu.dpuf

I'm Nobody! Who are you? Are you – Nobody – too? Then there's a pair of us! Don't tell! they'd advertise – you know! How dreary – to be – Somebody! How public – like a Frog –  To tell one's name – the livelong June –  To an admiring Bog! - See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15392#sthash.gwKAYspu.dpuf

I'm Nobody! Who are you? Are you – Nobody – too? Then there's a pair of us! Don't tell! they'd advertise – you know! How dreary – to be – Somebody! How public – like a Frog –  To tell one's name – the livelong June –  To an admiring Bog! - See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15392#sthash.gwKAYspu.dpuf] 

There is No Compass for Consideration

Something has been bugging me lately and I'm not sure how I can fix it..

I think I am an extremely considerate person in all its sense. Will I get up for an old lady every time on the bus/train? No, but I can't say I'm not torn between whether I should get up or not. Sometimes, it takes me too long to decide and my window of opportunity to give up my seat is over. I guess if I were truly considerate, I would get up in an instant, but still, I do consider it. I think about everything and I think that makes me a reliable friend. I'm good that way.

What I'm extremely bad at is showing compassion. You can tell me about your life and I could be listening, but sometimes, I can care less about what you are saying. I feel nothing inside. Most of the time, I'm just thinking 'suck it up and stop being a pussy'. I guess that's how I was raised. My mom isn't that compassionate either. I remembered when I was younger and I had this cold for about two weeks. When I asked my mom to take me to the doctor, she said 'why are you such a burden!' I remembered thinking that I haven't gone to the doctor in over 1.5 years. I didn't think I was a burden... Never forgot it. I'm not heart-broken over it. It is what it is.

That's my motto in life. 'It is.. what it is.' When people tell me their problems, sometimes I would chime in and agree that this life sucks. But when it becomes routine that your life is just a big complaint, I get extremely annoyed and you can tell. I suck at hiding my feelings and I do like that about myself. I don't like thinking about sad things in life. I don't need constant negative outlooks in life when all I'm trying to do is live my life on this earth as sweet as I can. Compassion, I lack. Consideration, I am full of.

Maybe this whole keeping my feelings in is a bad thing. Like a ticking time bomb about to set off with every negative droplet of information I get. Yes, I'm probably one of the most drama-free people you will ever meet. So please, don't fill my life with your drama. I'm drama-free for a reason. I try not to take things to heart too much and I stay look at the greener side of life.

Let me be happy, won't you?

Baby, Are You Lonesome, Tonight?

So I guess my life's timeline isn't going the way I planned. I'm not exactly dating the guy I'm going to marry right now. I guess it becomes sad when I get excited seeing the "Boyfriend Pillow" on Groupon and my coworkers calling it "pathetic" if I bought one. Sigh..

So what is this feeling that I need to go out to a club and dance like a lunatic to David Guetta's Play Hard song ever since I heard it in the new Beats commercial? Maybe I'm lonesome.

My coworker said that if I really liked Chris, that I would have stayed with him no matter what my friends thought. At first, I really did like him. I really did. It wasn't my "imaginary penis" talking. I told her that at first, I could overlook his flaws, but when we were hanging together with my friends, I realized that those flaws were moving cross-borders and I didn't like his manners. There is a certain line that you can't cross with strangers. Everyone has a personal space that should be respected. That's all I ask.

spoiled by riches? no thanks (unless it's the lottery)

I believe that, in life, to find happiness, you have to look within. To look outward is to be disappointed. You see all the things other people have. You become upset of all the things they have, when you have... less. I often look to myself to find happiness and it has worked pretty well for me so far. To call me spoiled will be taken with the utmost defense.

But life has dangled fruits in my face and it drives me mad that other people can be so... spoiled. Sure, I don't have to care for those people. I can just think about myself and the things I got on my own. The clothes I paid for. The food I paid for. The coupons I clipped. The pampering I learned to hate for their expensive, worthless nature. I've always tried to look in myself for happiness and count my blessings. The life I created for myself is a blessing. It has made me the person that I am, and I consider myself good and blessed. But the spoiled are still spoiled.

I don't care that other people are more fortunate than I am because I am more fortunate than some other people. Sure, it would be nice to win the lottery and live a generous and carefree life. I often get caught in those fantasies and then afterwards, I would go into work and flip everyone off. Then I can swearing and start throwing slang all over the place. Possibly moonwalk out of there.. but it's such a long walk out of there...

Happiness is from within. I try my best not to compare my life with others because everyone is different; everyone has their own problems that they deal with no matter how perfect their lives seem to the outside. I would be a terrible person if I made my life a tragedy. I would be in a really dark place.

So I look on the bright side. I look to the brighter side of things. I look to all the things that make me happy. Life is to live. Do I really want my CPA? What status do I even want? Why should my career define me? I love my life to enjoy all aspects of my life. Accounting is not my passion. I'd rather be doing other hobbies. I don't need to make that much money. I'm a humble girl. I can get by living a modest life.

Life is worth as much as you make it out to be. If you live in sadness, then you have a sad life. If you live in greed, then you have a greedy life. If you live in happiness, then you have a happy life. Simple enough, right? Right?