I have this best friend. I can't even tell her about this blog just in case I want to write about something that pertains to her.. Her name is Jenny. I've known her since the second grade. She came to our classroom as a new student who just came from China. The teacher asked who spoke Cantonese. I had a friend named Pearl in the class and since she raised her hand, so did I. I didn't know what 'canto' was. I knew I spoke the same language as Pearl, so I just raised my hand along with her. Of course, the teacher gave Jenny to Pearl to mentor. I was a stupid child back then. I didn't understand anything. I was just plain stupid. Maybe, it was a learning disability. Sometimes, I feel like I have one. I feel like I have to study harder than the average student..
Anyways, we became fast friends, mainly because we were both Chinese. I remember in third grade when my teacher gave out treats to the groups that were the best behaved. I remembered that I would always give Jenny my candy because I knew she loved it so. I consider myself as a pretty selfless person, whether people see through my exterior or not. Sometimes, I feel guilty not getting up to give my seat to an elderly person.. It's because I'm antisocial; and I fight my thoughts on whether I should or should not get up. Then, it feels like too much time has passed that it's too late to offer my seat.. it's an endless cycle..
So, we've been friends ever since. She is my best friend. Senior priority. But as time passes, we became such different people. There are certain things that I can't stand about her.. She came out of a relationship that she still can't let go of after 2 years.. She cried many tears for him and I tried to be supportive, but.. it's very hard when she can't say 'no' to him. Any progress she makes to steer away, she does a 360 and goes back to the starting point. And then she cries her tears about how hurt she is.. I may be a bitch for saying this, but if you're hurting and you know who is causing it.. why do you go back to him? Yeah, I agree he seems like an awesome guy. But he's indifferent sometimes. He wasn't sure about the relationship when Jenny was studying abroad. Isn't it a sign that he's not right for her? She says he's perfect. He's not. I like his personality, but I wouldn't want someone who's indecisive.. A good weekend together will make her super happy, but doesn't she know it would put her in a sadder state afterwards? That's what I can't understand. Is it because he was her first love? Is it because I haven't found my love yet? That's what I tell her. That I've never loved so I don't know how she feels.. No, I've never been in a relationship, but I've shed a good amount of tears for a guy..
His name was Joe. I met him over 4 years ago at a nursing home that I volunteered at down the block from my house. He works there as a recreational leader. Perfect guy. His mom was the boss of the department. She's the nicest lady ever! And he's great. Very nice, sweet, funny, good looking. I have found the perfect guy.. I was so blinded that I didn't see that he was slightly using me. He knew I liked him. He knew that very well. When I got a job there, he would ask if I wanted to work on certain days. Of course, I said yes. I wanted to see more of him! But those days.. none of those days were he present for. He used me because in order for him to take a day off, he needed someone to cover for him.. And guess who could be manipulated? me. I can't blame him. I would have done the same if I was in his shoes.. I was so foolish. I didn't realize this until I fell out of love with him. I remember him telling the staff that he was resigning. Man, did I cry hard on his last day. Tears fell so vigorously to the point I was hyperventilating and I was clenching on to my chest. And because it was when everyone was asleep, I tried very hard to tone down the crying. I think I cried for an hour. I slept and woke up with a terrible headache the next morning. My eyes were swollen and puffy from all the emotions. I thought I could never love again.. He did come back. His other job wasn't what he expected. Months later, he did find the job he wanted. Not only that, while working at the nursing home, he found himself a love interest from one of the volunteers from St. Johns. At least she had the guts to get her man.. he knew I liked him a lot. And he told me if I liked someone, I should ask him out.. well, I didn't. I remembered telling him how I like kissing white guys because their kisses are so passionate. Not like the Chinese people in Asian films. Joe is white. Italian. I was basing this opinion on movies. That was embarrassing. I remembered asking him about something at work, and he leaned over to look at it and his hand was on top of mine. I was sweating as I thought about how many other areas his hand could have landed, but he put it on mine. I was too nervous to move my hand. Regret. I should have done so.. Well, I got over him. The more I stepped back and looked at the situation, the more I saw that it was just an infatuation on my part. He told me how in love he was with her. How they dated for 3 weeks and already she confessed her love and her desire to move in together. I told him my input on it: It's way too fast to say I love you and it's too early to be moving in together. And that I think it's because of her girlish fantasies. I told him that with no sneaky intention. That's how I sincerely felt. And I said it to him as one concerned friend to another. He said that when he dates, that's all he could think about. Her. He can no longer focus on anything else. And I saw that in his work. I don't want a guy who can't focus on anything but me. That's too much pressure on my part to put the same amount of thought into him. So, here's this perfect guy that I thought I really loved. Now, I feel nothing. I heard he works weekends at a Century 21 realtor a block away from my house. I remember walking home once and I saw this dude bicycling with this girl who stopped in front of the Realty place. I swore it was him.. I panicked and crossed the street to avoid who might have looked like Joe. Why? I don't know. I heard they broke up. I hope he doesn't think I still like him. That's one of my biggest fears about meeting him again; that he thinks after all these years, that I still liked him.. Three weeks ago, when I was volunteering at the nursing home, on New Years Eve, I heard that he was going to come visit. I ran like the wind. I think I was embarrassed to see him. The thing with him was that I was always shy around him. I didn't feel comfortable around him. I was just sooo incredibly shy. What kind of relationship would we have had? I doubt a comfortable one. They broke up, you know. Just checked his friend list. She's no longer on it.. I guess it was too painful..
Getting a little off track here. The thing is, feelings can end. It's a good thing in my case because I got over it. But now that I think about it, it's sad because what does it say about love after marriage? Will is "just end" as well? It's pretty scary stuff. The divorce rate is about 50% in the US. That's insane. The odds are so high.. How will I know for sure if the one is the The One? Poo.. I'm an ordinary person. What chance do I have to beat the odds and marry the love of my life?
So back to Jenny. Yeah, I've heard her feelings about him. Everything from 'I love him', 'I will kill myself if he finds someone else', to 'I no longer give a shit'.. Obviously, it's not true. She will always give a shit. I know that she's my best friend and I should always side with her. When she asks for my opinion, I give her my unbiased opinion. She says I never side with her. Jenny, don't you understand that you're my best friend and I will always have your back? But I have my own opinion about this and I think you're being selfish. You get mad at him for not spending every weekend with you or tell you about his plans. It's been over 2 years. You no longer have that privilege to be mad at him. I think you play the victim too much. You put yourself in these situations. I know you can't help it, much like I couldn't help but cry over Joe leaving. You're so self conscious, and this is coming from someone who's been self-conscious her whole life. But you take it to a whole new level because you never think you're good enough for anyone. Always saying these people are too good for you. Sometimes I wonder if it's because you want people to feel bad for you or if you're really that down on yourself. If that's how he makes you feel, then screw him. How can you praise someone like that? I'm trying to give you a perspective of an outsider looking in. You want me to listen and agree with you. Sorry, but I can't do that. Maybe I'll tell you this to your face one day. I know it will hurt. That's why I've been keeping it in so long..
