What I noticed lately is that I'm becoming more and more.. dare I say.. irrationally mean? All this pent-up anger inside.. it's rearing its ugly head... and I don't know what to do.. :*( This is indeed an inside battle that I have yet to overcome.
Well, I made up with Jenny. I texted her exactly a month after the last time we spoke. Anyone who really knows me knows it's hard for me to apologize when I don't think I'm wrong. Annette told me to be the bigger person.. and it was hard.. because I didn't think I was wrong.. Bygones be bygones. I hope she doesn't bring it up. I don't like bringing up the past.
In other news... my list of guys are dwindling... Let's see..
"Chicago" is getting on my utmost nerves. He would text me randomly "what's up?" or "how are you?" And I would reply. Then he wouldn't respond until hours or days later. Do it once, it's fine. Do it often and it gets me annoyed. Why would you text me if you're busy? I'd rather you not text me at all than leave me hanging. He apologized. I asked what was he apologizing for? Hours later.. he said he was sorry for not texting more. He doesn't know what bothers me. I'm over it. Hyemi wanted to take a little trip and she suggested Chicago. It would be nice to go there and see the sights.. but the mere fact that he's there.. I don't want to go at all. I don't want to see him. I think it's the same reason I don't want to FaceTime with him. The fact that I thought he was this perfect guy in the beginning.. I'm just scared that bubble will pop. Subconsciously, that bubble was gone a while back.. but the confirmation scares me.
"Chicago #2 aka Lizard Man 87" is still fun to talk to but he's unpredictable. I would talk to him weeks at a time. The last time we spoke, he was telling me about his one night stand. Man, was that steamy.. He asked me how descriptive I wanted him to be and I told him 'as descriptive as my stories to him'.. I was never that descriptive. haha. It was kind of awkward.. a lotta awkward to hear. It made me less attracted to him.. His sexuality was a little alarming. I had this perfect image of him in my head. He was this cute, nerdy guy to me. That image was shattered and he's not as fun to me anymore.
"Connecticut" has a girlfriend now.. so our conversations are scarce. Actually, the last time we spoke was about a month ago. This is fine. I knew this day would come and it's exactly how I would want it to be. All these guys.. they are just fillers in my life until I find that special someone. I needed a male companion that I enjoyed talking with to keep me company during those lonely nights. I enjoy the fun conversations about nothingness while maintaining enough distance to satiate my growing phobia of commitment.. Back to Connecticut. He was fun to talk to because he was funny. And even though he's a fob, he got my jokes. Sometimes, I miss the early days where we would talk passed midnight and I would wake up cranky for work because I didn't get enough sleep. I miss those nights where he would tell me a Viet joke right before bed time. I missed seeing his dimples on videochat. But, honestly, I'm glad he's found someone. We wouldn't have worked out. I know we wouldn't... But one time, I was so tempted to buy that train ticket to go see him. He would have taken me to see the Yale art museum. I bet it wasn't all that anyway.
"Canada Ken" is long gone. Haven't heard from him is a million years. Hope he's alright and well. I wish him the best. He was nice.
"Canada Duc" is another random one. But he's got a lot on his plate. Constantly working overtime to make enough money for his future. Super admirable, but he needs to rest. I sort of have a soft side for him. He seems sad. I just want to give him a long hug. A long, long one.
"Minnesota" doesn't really exist anymore. I haven't heard from him in so long. A part of me wishes he'd come back to New York. A part of me wanted to be with him because he was so funny and a dufus. But most of me knew he's not the one. Why? Not sure. Aren't soulmates supposed to know the other when they see them? Besides, he's was a psych major. We knew how Chris ended... They know how to manipulate.. And I have the easiest mind to do so.. everyone is honest until proven otherwise, right?
"Guy With a GF" should now be single by now. he hasn't contacted me.. which is good. The guy who likes Hyemi is also an intern at the same hospital as him.. I'm too embarrassed to ask about him.. So weird..
"Nurse Guy" is out of the picture too. Sure, he was the last to text me, but was I supposed to make the next move? He was a good kisser.. but I'm not into him like that. It's not fair to initiate when I see no future with him. I don't want to give him the wrong idea.
"Japan" is the consistent one. He went to South Africa for two weeks and boy did I miss him. I'm not sure if he's my type. He's another one that I'm scared to meet because I'm scared to ruin this image I created of him in my head. And vice versa. What if I did like him and he doesn't like me? Rejection is what holds me back on a lot of things. He showed me a picture of him dressed like a menguin with all the penguins in South Africa... Jerkass me cropped his picture and used the image of the penguins without telling him to enter this Uniqlo contest to win a heattech shirt. And I won.. When I told Jenny that I won and that I used his picture for the contest, she said I should have told him. She was right.. it made me feel really bad about it, especially because I should have known better. The fact that it didn't even occur to me that it was stealing pains me. I told him about it after. I'm not sure if he was upset or not. He hid it well. I did tell him that I no longer wanted that 'stinking shirt' and that he could have it. Hopefully, it comes.. and I guess we're going to finally meet. We don't talk as much as we did before he left for South Africa.. perhaps another lady is in the picture? Which is fine.. That's what fillers are, right? I do like talking to Japan though. He showed me a short video and it had a clip of him smiling. He has a cute smile.. smiling with his eyes.
"Aussie" is a new guy. 20 year old .. I'm not exactly sure how he found me on kik because you can't randomly talk to people. You either find people by name or number. At first, I didn't believe him that he was some stranger. And also, I didn't believe in talking to him because he was so young. I thought, I don't want to talk to this guy. I have so many guys I'm talking to right now. And he's soo young. He's going to be too childish! Well... color me a child then because I really enjoy talking to him. And the 16 hour difference matches up perfectly with my schedule. I like talking to someone on my ride to work and at night time when I'm laying in bed. And he's funny. He even has the simian line on his right hand, just like me!
This is no longer about finding someone special. It's about connecting with people far and wide. And it's a pretty special thing. And hopefully, in this process, I don't get hurt..
So I'm trying to be less bitchy. I need to find peace within myself so that I don't let other people frustrate me. Young Me wouldn't like the Present Me. I've always said that I'm not like most girls and that I don't get mad over petty things. Is me getting mad at Chicago being petty? I don't know, but at this point, I don't really care.
Remember.. breathe.. one...two..three.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Deep Rooted Monster
It's now been three weeks since Jenny and I have last spoken. This went down over something I said. I've always held my tongue when I talk to her because I knew she was sensitive. I remember telling her that she was sensitive one time and she got emotional over it.. Ok, you're not sensitive..
The text started out with her listing how much laundry, candy, food, and stickers cost. She does this so often that finally I asked her not to talk about money with me. She makes more than me, so imagine my frustration when she bitches about how little she makes. She once made a comment how her job was harder than mine. I held my tongue. I hold my tongue a lot when we talk.
The conversation eventually went into me telling her that I think she complains a lot about things I don't see are that big of a deal. She went into "whoa is me" mode and accused me of saying that I don't want to hear any of her worries and what not. I mean, it's an opinion. You asked. I answered. I even told her that it's my fault that I was raised with a cold heart.
18 years of friendship. I thought about apologizing to her. But there was nothing to apologize for. She asked me what it was. I told her. I didn't say it in an attacking way. At one point, I told her to forget what I said. She made a comment that we should always be honest.. Yea? Look where it got us. She doesn't want honesty. She wants me to stay quiet and listen to her rant about mostly money crap. Yea, sorry if I don't understand her first-world problems.
Thinking about this fight and how petty is was just made me mad. Do I let go of an 18 year friendship over some petty fight like this? If I have to.. then yes. Here's why:
I know what it's like to be depressed. I know that awful feeling of not knowing why you're sad. You just are. I worked hard to push those feelings down deep inside me so that I don't have to ever feel that nothingness again. So I surround myself with happy thoughts. I am my own best friend. I talk and rationalize with my subconsious so when I'm being stupid, I know it. When I'm being unreasonable, I know it. I don't like getting mad. I like to be in control of my emotions. When people talk about their petty problems, it frustrates me. I don't care about those problems. They are not worth being bothered over. Here I am trying to be as happy as I can possibly fake it and you're tearing me down with your negativity. I don't need that in my life. I'm trying not to go back to that dark place of crying uncontrollably. I'm not trying to go back. Having OCD doesn't help either. My compulsive anxiety isn't something I can handle when I'm in a funky mood.
Yea, she has low self-esteem. We all do. She can see someone she likes and pursue them. Her standards are relatively high. Me? I see someone I like and I don't pursue them. My standards are average. And I know when someone is too good for me; that they deserve better. What a world we live in where there's doublethink. To stress how everyone is created equal, yet some people are better than me while others are not. Why must it be this way?
How long will this last? I don't know. But the problem remains.
The text started out with her listing how much laundry, candy, food, and stickers cost. She does this so often that finally I asked her not to talk about money with me. She makes more than me, so imagine my frustration when she bitches about how little she makes. She once made a comment how her job was harder than mine. I held my tongue. I hold my tongue a lot when we talk.
The conversation eventually went into me telling her that I think she complains a lot about things I don't see are that big of a deal. She went into "whoa is me" mode and accused me of saying that I don't want to hear any of her worries and what not. I mean, it's an opinion. You asked. I answered. I even told her that it's my fault that I was raised with a cold heart.
18 years of friendship. I thought about apologizing to her. But there was nothing to apologize for. She asked me what it was. I told her. I didn't say it in an attacking way. At one point, I told her to forget what I said. She made a comment that we should always be honest.. Yea? Look where it got us. She doesn't want honesty. She wants me to stay quiet and listen to her rant about mostly money crap. Yea, sorry if I don't understand her first-world problems.
Thinking about this fight and how petty is was just made me mad. Do I let go of an 18 year friendship over some petty fight like this? If I have to.. then yes. Here's why:
I know what it's like to be depressed. I know that awful feeling of not knowing why you're sad. You just are. I worked hard to push those feelings down deep inside me so that I don't have to ever feel that nothingness again. So I surround myself with happy thoughts. I am my own best friend. I talk and rationalize with my subconsious so when I'm being stupid, I know it. When I'm being unreasonable, I know it. I don't like getting mad. I like to be in control of my emotions. When people talk about their petty problems, it frustrates me. I don't care about those problems. They are not worth being bothered over. Here I am trying to be as happy as I can possibly fake it and you're tearing me down with your negativity. I don't need that in my life. I'm trying not to go back to that dark place of crying uncontrollably. I'm not trying to go back. Having OCD doesn't help either. My compulsive anxiety isn't something I can handle when I'm in a funky mood.
Yea, she has low self-esteem. We all do. She can see someone she likes and pursue them. Her standards are relatively high. Me? I see someone I like and I don't pursue them. My standards are average. And I know when someone is too good for me; that they deserve better. What a world we live in where there's doublethink. To stress how everyone is created equal, yet some people are better than me while others are not. Why must it be this way?
How long will this last? I don't know. But the problem remains.
Love is a Dead Sea
My sea of plenty o' fish have become the Dead Sea this past month. Slowly, these guys I've been talking to are slipping from my grip..
The guy with the girlfriend.. Sometimes I miss him because he was someone to hang with. He wasn't bad looking either. But then I think about the dead conversations we have.. and I come back to reality.
I met a new guy back in early September. He was a nurse, which was the main reason I agreed to meet with him. Nurse means the guy is nice, right? He was ok. He offered to pay for dinner, but he wasn't as proactive as I would have liked him to be at insisting on paying, which was actually a turn off. I always felt like going Dutch made me independent.. but subconciously, I feel like a guy should pay. And this is what I told one of my guy friends when he asked me about whether a guy should pay or not. He was a hella good kisser though.. But there was no potential. We texted a few weeks after that, but then it died. I think it's because I wasn't proactive with the texting. I just rather text other people. But I miss kissing him sometimes. But I refuse to text him. I don't want him to think I'm interested in him. So that's that.
Viet guy from Connecticut. I really liked talking to him. I even Facetimed with him twice! But he has a girlfriend now.. so we don't talk that much. I miss those nights when right before I went to bed, he would tell me a viet joke. He would say 99 (night night) and I would reply 100. At one point, I wanted to take the MetroNorth to visit him. And hopefully he would take me to the Yale museum in Connecticut. But it would be too weird. I don't think his girlfriend would appreciate that. I'm happy for him. Moving on.
The guy from Minnesota.. I miss talking to him a lot. We've only had 2 conversations, but he was awesome. We don't talk anymore. I guess it's fine. He'll be the guy that I make up stories about in my head of when we meet. Sometimes, I think about how when he finishes school and comes back to New York, we would meet and how it would be love at first sight.. I'm convinced I want to marry a pharmacist or an engineer.
There's another Viet guy. He's from NJ. He's pretty cool. Cute too. He's a physical therapist, studying for his GMATs so that he could go back school for his CPA. We've talked about museums. I'd like to go to a museum with a guy. Maybe he'll ask me to one.
Japan is still cool. We talk via regular message now so our texts aren't confined to just nighttime when I log on to Skout. He went to South Africa for 2 weeks. I miss talking to him. The day he left, I had a dream about him. It's so weird. He was just holding my hand and touching my face. I mean, yeah I miss him, but I don't think there's potential there. I have no clue what my dream is trying to tell me.
I don't really talk to Chicago that much anymore. Occasionally, I get a text from him asking why I don't text him anymore. When I do, I don't hear from him until hours later. What is that?! It makes me not want to text him. We lost that connection.
There's another new guy. He's Indonesian. He's quiet as hell when we text so I have no idea why he even talks to me. He asks me a million questions. And when I asked him about himself, they're one word answers. -_- I can't live like that! We were supposed to meet one weekend, but he didn't even tell me the details. When I texted him that Friday about which day we were meeting, he didn't reply until Sunday. No, dude. I'm not going to sit around and wait for when you're free. I ignored him until Monday. I pretended nothing happened. I think he did the same.
Miso Horney guy was the first guy I talked to. I actually asked him out one weekend because I had the lip jitters. I needed a fix.. Perhaps, I was just lonely and wanted male companionship. We were supposed to meet on Saturday for lunch. I texted him that day noon asking when we were going to meet. I didn't hear from him until 3:45 apologizing for oversleeping.. -_- Really? Is that even possible? I was so mad that I didn't text him until 8 that night. At least I didn't stand in Flushing waiting for him with my heavily made up face. I would have been mad if I had put make up on for no reason. But it's forgiven and I moved on. After being rejected from both guys when I wanted to meet them, I felt disheartened. I'm not making the first move anymore. This shit cray.
And after Annette told me this crazy story about some Canadian guy who tried catfishing guys on dating sites so as to lure them in and kill them, I was scared. Apparently, he was a horror story writing and wanted material for his stories. He was caught and his stories were found. That scared the shit out of me. I need to remember that there are crazy people out there.
The guy with the girlfriend.. Sometimes I miss him because he was someone to hang with. He wasn't bad looking either. But then I think about the dead conversations we have.. and I come back to reality.
I met a new guy back in early September. He was a nurse, which was the main reason I agreed to meet with him. Nurse means the guy is nice, right? He was ok. He offered to pay for dinner, but he wasn't as proactive as I would have liked him to be at insisting on paying, which was actually a turn off. I always felt like going Dutch made me independent.. but subconciously, I feel like a guy should pay. And this is what I told one of my guy friends when he asked me about whether a guy should pay or not. He was a hella good kisser though.. But there was no potential. We texted a few weeks after that, but then it died. I think it's because I wasn't proactive with the texting. I just rather text other people. But I miss kissing him sometimes. But I refuse to text him. I don't want him to think I'm interested in him. So that's that.
Viet guy from Connecticut. I really liked talking to him. I even Facetimed with him twice! But he has a girlfriend now.. so we don't talk that much. I miss those nights when right before I went to bed, he would tell me a viet joke. He would say 99 (night night) and I would reply 100. At one point, I wanted to take the MetroNorth to visit him. And hopefully he would take me to the Yale museum in Connecticut. But it would be too weird. I don't think his girlfriend would appreciate that. I'm happy for him. Moving on.
The guy from Minnesota.. I miss talking to him a lot. We've only had 2 conversations, but he was awesome. We don't talk anymore. I guess it's fine. He'll be the guy that I make up stories about in my head of when we meet. Sometimes, I think about how when he finishes school and comes back to New York, we would meet and how it would be love at first sight.. I'm convinced I want to marry a pharmacist or an engineer.
There's another Viet guy. He's from NJ. He's pretty cool. Cute too. He's a physical therapist, studying for his GMATs so that he could go back school for his CPA. We've talked about museums. I'd like to go to a museum with a guy. Maybe he'll ask me to one.
Japan is still cool. We talk via regular message now so our texts aren't confined to just nighttime when I log on to Skout. He went to South Africa for 2 weeks. I miss talking to him. The day he left, I had a dream about him. It's so weird. He was just holding my hand and touching my face. I mean, yeah I miss him, but I don't think there's potential there. I have no clue what my dream is trying to tell me.
I don't really talk to Chicago that much anymore. Occasionally, I get a text from him asking why I don't text him anymore. When I do, I don't hear from him until hours later. What is that?! It makes me not want to text him. We lost that connection.
There's another new guy. He's Indonesian. He's quiet as hell when we text so I have no idea why he even talks to me. He asks me a million questions. And when I asked him about himself, they're one word answers. -_- I can't live like that! We were supposed to meet one weekend, but he didn't even tell me the details. When I texted him that Friday about which day we were meeting, he didn't reply until Sunday. No, dude. I'm not going to sit around and wait for when you're free. I ignored him until Monday. I pretended nothing happened. I think he did the same.
Miso Horney guy was the first guy I talked to. I actually asked him out one weekend because I had the lip jitters. I needed a fix.. Perhaps, I was just lonely and wanted male companionship. We were supposed to meet on Saturday for lunch. I texted him that day noon asking when we were going to meet. I didn't hear from him until 3:45 apologizing for oversleeping.. -_- Really? Is that even possible? I was so mad that I didn't text him until 8 that night. At least I didn't stand in Flushing waiting for him with my heavily made up face. I would have been mad if I had put make up on for no reason. But it's forgiven and I moved on. After being rejected from both guys when I wanted to meet them, I felt disheartened. I'm not making the first move anymore. This shit cray.
And after Annette told me this crazy story about some Canadian guy who tried catfishing guys on dating sites so as to lure them in and kill them, I was scared. Apparently, he was a horror story writing and wanted material for his stories. He was caught and his stories were found. That scared the shit out of me. I need to remember that there are crazy people out there.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Fishes in the Sea
Skout guy with the girlfriend texted me up a week after the first meeting to ask me if I was free for dinner. I told him I was busy hoping he'd get the hint. He texted the week after and because he started with the text "Hey friend", I thought he finally got the hint that I didn't really want a friends with benefits kind of relationship with him as I had previously told him. So I decided to meet him after work for dinner. We had Joe's Shanghai. He wanted sake. I was like fine. It's so weird because we barely talk when we meet. We have nothing in common and neither of us are engaging each other. The alcohol will loosen us up. After dinner, he wanted to go to a bar. We went to a bar for soju. Then another place for soju. This place was pretty ghetto. We had our own private booth, but we were sitting so far across from each other. There were curtains that can be drawn so we can get our "privacy". Eventually, he came over and sat next to me. I leaned back. He put his arm around me. "Really? This again?" He told me he was going back to Virginia mid-August to finalize the break up. Again, I told him that this means nothing to me. That making out was just for fun. Agreed. So we kissed. Sigh.. curse my uber desire to kiss. Then we went for karaoke. We had a huge room. He was singing a song and drunk me started licking his face.. his ears. I bit them too. Then we started making out. We both got handsy... Someone walks in and tells us we couldn't do that there.. So embarrassed and ashamed, I got off of him. That was the end of the night. He asked if I was free that weekend. I told him that it wasn't working out for me anymore and that we should go our separate ways. Sometimes I miss the kissing.. But ultimately, I would hate myself more... he had a girlfriend and there were no feelings. And each time we met, things escalated. We had nothing in common. It had to be done.
I told Andrew about it on my ride to work the next day. He was astonished. I jokingly told him that it was his fault. That I missed him so much that I needed an outlet for it. He thought I was being serious. I called him when I got in to work and we talked about it because he wanted to know the details. He told me he was a little jealous. He told me that even though we had feelings for each other, due to the distance, that we would never work. He also added that I was his favorite person to talk to on the phone because it was so easy. This made me like him more that day.
But my feelings for him comes and goes. Because we're in a fake relationship, I don't let it ruin my fun with other guys and I'm sure it's the same for him. We don't talk as much as we used to and I'm talking to some really cool guys right now so I'm happy. But now that I'm starting to like talking to these other guys, I feel weird calling Andrew pet names..
"The Others":
Japan is cool beans. He's funny and he calls me China. We talk about nonsense like Streetfighters II and weird videos/news. He still wanted to talk to me even though I told him I might never meet him. That's always an ok in my book.
Andy the Viet is cool too. I was looking at profiles and I came upon his one night. When I was trying to scroll down, I accidentally winked at him. So he said hi to me. I told him it was a mistake because I don't wink at people, but that it must be fate. He's pretty fun to talk to. I talk to him everyday. On weekdays, I ask him what's for lunch. At night, he would tell me a funny joke before I sleep which is awesome.
Canadian Ken. He's cool too. He's funny, but I don't like when he compliments me. It feels a little weird. He's really nice. He tells me fun jokes too. I haven't spoken to him in a week. He's moving to Australia for law school. So awesome that he's worldly.
Last but not least, Jason. I only recently started talking to him, but currently, I like talking to him the most. He messaged me with a joke and I decided to write back because he lived in Minnesota, 1000+ miles away. Turns out, he's there for his Pharm D degree and he's actually a New Yorker. He's really funny and easy to talk to. His pervertedness doesn't even make me cringe as do some other guys. He was a psychology major, so he knows how to manipulate. So far it's working. He has one more year of schooling to go. I doubt this will work out, but I think he'll be fun to play with.
This world is such a big place. I'm just trying to connect with people far and wide. This is me putting myself out there right? Right??
I think all of them have told me to have more confidence in myself. As of currently, I am feeling more beautiful about myself..
"I'm not beautiful like you. I'm beautiful like me"
I told Andrew about it on my ride to work the next day. He was astonished. I jokingly told him that it was his fault. That I missed him so much that I needed an outlet for it. He thought I was being serious. I called him when I got in to work and we talked about it because he wanted to know the details. He told me he was a little jealous. He told me that even though we had feelings for each other, due to the distance, that we would never work. He also added that I was his favorite person to talk to on the phone because it was so easy. This made me like him more that day.
But my feelings for him comes and goes. Because we're in a fake relationship, I don't let it ruin my fun with other guys and I'm sure it's the same for him. We don't talk as much as we used to and I'm talking to some really cool guys right now so I'm happy. But now that I'm starting to like talking to these other guys, I feel weird calling Andrew pet names..
"The Others":
Japan is cool beans. He's funny and he calls me China. We talk about nonsense like Streetfighters II and weird videos/news. He still wanted to talk to me even though I told him I might never meet him. That's always an ok in my book.
Andy the Viet is cool too. I was looking at profiles and I came upon his one night. When I was trying to scroll down, I accidentally winked at him. So he said hi to me. I told him it was a mistake because I don't wink at people, but that it must be fate. He's pretty fun to talk to. I talk to him everyday. On weekdays, I ask him what's for lunch. At night, he would tell me a funny joke before I sleep which is awesome.
Canadian Ken. He's cool too. He's funny, but I don't like when he compliments me. It feels a little weird. He's really nice. He tells me fun jokes too. I haven't spoken to him in a week. He's moving to Australia for law school. So awesome that he's worldly.
Last but not least, Jason. I only recently started talking to him, but currently, I like talking to him the most. He messaged me with a joke and I decided to write back because he lived in Minnesota, 1000+ miles away. Turns out, he's there for his Pharm D degree and he's actually a New Yorker. He's really funny and easy to talk to. His pervertedness doesn't even make me cringe as do some other guys. He was a psychology major, so he knows how to manipulate. So far it's working. He has one more year of schooling to go. I doubt this will work out, but I think he'll be fun to play with.
This world is such a big place. I'm just trying to connect with people far and wide. This is me putting myself out there right? Right??
I think all of them have told me to have more confidence in myself. As of currently, I am feeling more beautiful about myself..
"I'm not beautiful like you. I'm beautiful like me"
Saturday, July 13, 2013
The Virgin Hooker
I met my first guy on Skout. The only reason I chose to meet up with him only days of meeting him is because he had a girlfriend and I thought we could be friends. He just moved from Virginia to do residency here in New York and I thought we could both use more friends. So I met him.
We went to Koreatown for lunch. It was awkward. Half the time we weren't talking and I was just looking around awkwardly. During lunch, he was planning what we were doing next. I guess that's a good sign that he liked me. He suggested we go get a beer. Because there was nothing else to do and I know I'd be more relaxed when I drink, I went along with it. We went for a beer and then we went back to K-town to get Soju. We went to this place and then we went to another. Throughout the afternoon, I had a tall glass of beer and shared two bottles of Soju. I was pretty tipsy at that moment. After that, when we were walking to the train station, he held my hand. I was like whatever. He suggested that we go back to Brooklyn to the park by his house. I didn't want to go but he convinced me that it wasn't far and that it was still early. I went with it. #yolo, right?
When we got off the train, he said we should go back to his apartment for some "coffee". Yeah, ok man. I'm drunk, but I'm not stupid. I told him I didn't drink coffee and that I wouldn't go inside. No dude, not even for a minute. So he went in and I sat outside and waited for him. He went in and came out after a long 5 minutes. Then we walked to the park. We sat in the middle of the grass which was really nice. We sat together and then he put his arm around my waist.
O: Can I kiss you?
L: You know you have a girlfriend, right?
O: *takes arm off me* I know..
L: Yeah, it's not a good idea.
O: But we're in the process of breaking up.
L: Yeah, but this is still cheating.
O: *puts arm on me again* I know.. Can I kiss you?
L: I just haven't kissed in a really long time. If we kissed, it would mean nothing to me.
O: What do you mean?
L: I don't know how I feel about you, so this means nothing to me.
He pulls me closer and I turned to him. Then we kissed. He wasn't the best kisser. I did most of the work. So we kissed for about 5 minutes. Then we headed out. I told him I should be going home because it was Sunday and I had work the next day. He walked me to the train station. When we were waiting to cross the street, he stood close to me and I kissed him again.
When we were outside the train station, he tried dragging me back to his place again. I told him that I was a virgin and that I'm not that kind of girl. I told him that I had a really nice time after he said it was well. I don't know how much truth that statement contained because I felt pretty crappy about what I did. I told him he was pretty slutty because he tried several times to get me to go in his house. Yeah, "coffee", ok man. If I'm not safe with a guy with a girlfriend, I'm not safe with anyone. Are all guys douchebags? Maybe I should forever stay in a long distance relationship and be completely oblivious to what he is doing so that I could live inside a fairy tale bubble.
I checked my phone and I got texts from Annette and Jenny. They were worried sick about me because they thought something bad happened to me. It was really my fault. I didn't check my phone the whole time I was with him. I know better now.
I was pretty disappointed in myself. Of what I did with someone else's boyfriend, regardless of whether they were about to break up or not. Never in a million years I would have thought I'd do that. Yes, the alcohol made me have loose inhibitions. But it was my choice. My regret.
That night, I talked to Andrew about it. That was a good talk for the both of us. He liked talking to drunk me because I'm more flirty with him. haha. He's so silly. I love talking to him even when half the time, we only hear the other breathing. haha. He told me that in a few months, we would be married and then divorced. He said not to worry because we're going to get back together again. haha. I don't know what I'm doing with him, but right now, I'm pretty happy. I can go out and have fun with guys if I wanted, and then come home and be able to have that mental connection of a fake boyfriend like him. It's kind of like having multiple lovers. haha. It's terrible, I know. But our relationship is just a game. I've never liked talking on the phone, but talking to him just feels so right.
Annette said what I'm doing with him is wrong because I'm going to get attached and disregard the guys around me. She threatened to text him saying that I hate him and to never talk to me again. I told her if she did that, I would be really upset at her. I like the fact that he thinks about me before he sleeps and when he wakes up. I like that. Even if it's fake, he still thinks about me from 740 miles away.
I'm getting attached, yes. I wonder what will happen once one of us finds someone else. Obviously, we have to stop. But how would I feel about it? I don't know if I want to let him go? I guess we could still be close pen pals. We just have to replace 'baby' and 'honey' with 'dude' and 'yo'.
We went to Koreatown for lunch. It was awkward. Half the time we weren't talking and I was just looking around awkwardly. During lunch, he was planning what we were doing next. I guess that's a good sign that he liked me. He suggested we go get a beer. Because there was nothing else to do and I know I'd be more relaxed when I drink, I went along with it. We went for a beer and then we went back to K-town to get Soju. We went to this place and then we went to another. Throughout the afternoon, I had a tall glass of beer and shared two bottles of Soju. I was pretty tipsy at that moment. After that, when we were walking to the train station, he held my hand. I was like whatever. He suggested that we go back to Brooklyn to the park by his house. I didn't want to go but he convinced me that it wasn't far and that it was still early. I went with it. #yolo, right?
When we got off the train, he said we should go back to his apartment for some "coffee". Yeah, ok man. I'm drunk, but I'm not stupid. I told him I didn't drink coffee and that I wouldn't go inside. No dude, not even for a minute. So he went in and I sat outside and waited for him. He went in and came out after a long 5 minutes. Then we walked to the park. We sat in the middle of the grass which was really nice. We sat together and then he put his arm around my waist.
O: Can I kiss you?
L: You know you have a girlfriend, right?
O: *takes arm off me* I know..
L: Yeah, it's not a good idea.
O: But we're in the process of breaking up.
L: Yeah, but this is still cheating.
O: *puts arm on me again* I know.. Can I kiss you?
L: I just haven't kissed in a really long time. If we kissed, it would mean nothing to me.
O: What do you mean?
L: I don't know how I feel about you, so this means nothing to me.
He pulls me closer and I turned to him. Then we kissed. He wasn't the best kisser. I did most of the work. So we kissed for about 5 minutes. Then we headed out. I told him I should be going home because it was Sunday and I had work the next day. He walked me to the train station. When we were waiting to cross the street, he stood close to me and I kissed him again.
When we were outside the train station, he tried dragging me back to his place again. I told him that I was a virgin and that I'm not that kind of girl. I told him that I had a really nice time after he said it was well. I don't know how much truth that statement contained because I felt pretty crappy about what I did. I told him he was pretty slutty because he tried several times to get me to go in his house. Yeah, "coffee", ok man. If I'm not safe with a guy with a girlfriend, I'm not safe with anyone. Are all guys douchebags? Maybe I should forever stay in a long distance relationship and be completely oblivious to what he is doing so that I could live inside a fairy tale bubble.
I checked my phone and I got texts from Annette and Jenny. They were worried sick about me because they thought something bad happened to me. It was really my fault. I didn't check my phone the whole time I was with him. I know better now.
I was pretty disappointed in myself. Of what I did with someone else's boyfriend, regardless of whether they were about to break up or not. Never in a million years I would have thought I'd do that. Yes, the alcohol made me have loose inhibitions. But it was my choice. My regret.
That night, I talked to Andrew about it. That was a good talk for the both of us. He liked talking to drunk me because I'm more flirty with him. haha. He's so silly. I love talking to him even when half the time, we only hear the other breathing. haha. He told me that in a few months, we would be married and then divorced. He said not to worry because we're going to get back together again. haha. I don't know what I'm doing with him, but right now, I'm pretty happy. I can go out and have fun with guys if I wanted, and then come home and be able to have that mental connection of a fake boyfriend like him. It's kind of like having multiple lovers. haha. It's terrible, I know. But our relationship is just a game. I've never liked talking on the phone, but talking to him just feels so right.
Annette said what I'm doing with him is wrong because I'm going to get attached and disregard the guys around me. She threatened to text him saying that I hate him and to never talk to me again. I told her if she did that, I would be really upset at her. I like the fact that he thinks about me before he sleeps and when he wakes up. I like that. Even if it's fake, he still thinks about me from 740 miles away.
I'm getting attached, yes. I wonder what will happen once one of us finds someone else. Obviously, we have to stop. But how would I feel about it? I don't know if I want to let him go? I guess we could still be close pen pals. We just have to replace 'baby' and 'honey' with 'dude' and 'yo'.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
He's Not Quite It, But I'm Okay With It
I joined a new dating site called Skout about two weeks ago. I sort of missed perverts hitting me up and calling me 'mami'. So I joined. Lone and behold, the first day, someone said 'how you doing, mami?' This is more of an app based site than anything. It's simple to use.
The first guy I met was Ken. He seemed pretty cute so I started talking to him. I'm on the fence about him because he didn't finish college. Heck, he didn't graduate from high school either. I'm not sure what his reason was. He just said that school just wasn't for him. My other quibble with him is that even though he came from Hong Kong when he was 9 and speaks English pretty well, he doesn't get the American lingo. That's a pretty big problem since my best trait is my sense of humor. Oh man.. the funniest convo happened though. We were texting about how guys can be horny and stuff. Annette saw the word 'horny' on my phone.
A: Look, he doesn't even know how to spell horny. It's H-O-R-N-E-Y.
L: No! It's spelt H-O-R-N-Y. What the frack? Horney? It's not French.
A: Oh my God. French. hahah. 'Hi, my name is Annette Horney.
L: Lol. Oh my God. Miso Horney!
A: hahahah. I'm going to text Ken that your real name is Miso Horney.
L: No, don't you dare! He's a fob, he won't get it!
*texts* My real name ... Miso horney.
L: Don't you do it! Don't you press that button!
*clicks send*
L: Oh my gahhhhhhh. Nooooooo.
Text:
K: You So horny?? Lol.
L: In France. Nooooo. That's what they call me in Europe.
K: I see. Haha... my bad.
L: Bc I'm Asian. Like miso soup.
And he fell for it! Whaaaatttt. I don't know how I feel about that. haha.
I started talking to another guy, Andrew, as well who said I had a really cute pic. The only reason I messaged him was because he was 720 miles away in Illinois. We talked for a couple of days before I gave him my number. Our relationship blossomed based on a lie. On June 25, my shady bus driver asked me out. He was this mid-forties, balding big white guy. After a couple of minutes of awkward talking, he asked me if I had a boyfriend. I let out the longest 'yessssssss' of my life. Then I told Andrew about it. I said 'now I can't say I've never been asked out.' So he said 'do you wanna go out with me?? make that 2x.' I told him that he should be my fake boyfriend to fend off creepers. And he said it was a deal. I asked him where my flowers were and he sent me a picture of some dead flowers. That's how the relationship started. I had told him before I gave him my number that I didn't like talking on the phone because I'm really quiet and he agreed not to. He called me last friday night at 1:15 in the morning. At the time, I thought it was my alarm ringing. When I saw it was him, I was a really shocked, but I picked up.. It was a sleep yolo moment. And we talked for 1 hour 52 minutes.. It was awesome! I've never been so comfortable talking to someone before. Half the time we didn't even talk. I just hear him breathing. haha. He had a nice calming voice. He called me baby and I called him honey. We decided to be fake boyfriend and girlfriend. It's getting harder and harder because I seem to like him more and more. When I told him that it was weird that we were calling each other 'baby' and 'honey', he didn't see the weirdness. He said that we're friends and that we're playing around; and that if we don't like it anymore, we can just stop talking to each other. That hit me quite hard. I know it's a game and I know I shouldn't be falling for him. Annette said I'm going to get screwed if I fell for him. It's just a game. I told her that I like the fact that someone thinks about me right before they sleep and when they wake up. I like the fact that I matter to someone.
Even though it's a game, talking to Andrew is helping be become better at talking to guys and talking sweet talk to them. He's teaching me and I'm learning. He's great because he supports me in finding someone special, as I wish it for him too. We're both great people. I think we should find someone awesome someday. Hopefully soon.
I went out for Annette birthday to a biergarten in Williamsburg. She said there is a good mix of race and that there are a lot of Asian guys in Williamsburg. She pointed out a group of them, whom looked like players so I wasn't interested.She said there was one behind me and to turn around. I looked back and I saw this really cute Chinese guy. When he looked at me, I turned upward like I was looking at the ceiling. haha. That's my problem with eye contact. I could feel like he was looking at me. Even Annette was telling me so, but I couldn't make eye contact. I was too shy. I wished I did. He was really cute and I regret it so much that just last night, I dreamt I was doing all this research to try to find out who he was. I mean, if it was meant to be, he would have made the move. If it was meant to be, I would see him again. I did see him again at the pizza place we went after the second bar, but he didn't see me. And I was too drunk to act on my desire to go up to him and say 'Hey, wanna hear a pick up line? I wished I lived in your socks so that I can be with you every step of the way.' hahhahah. Sigh. I missed my chance, but fate is FATE! There was this other guy who apparently was hitting on me. When he walked into the bar, we all looked at him and made an ewww face. He looked like the guy on a pizza box. Apparently he was talking to me from behind. Annette told me to turn around. I was already a little drunk so I turned around, looked straight through him and turned right back to Annette. I felt like a hot bitch and I liked it. I didn't mean to be rude, but I can't say it didn't make me feel like the shiz. I'm sorry!
Today is Independence Day. Happy Fourth of July! I was supposed to go out with Jenny to a BBQ, but I backed out. I didn't know that Jeff didn't know she was bringing me. I don't have anything to bring to the party. There's going to be a lot of people there. When I told her I didn't want to go, she went bonkers at me saying that I didn't care to see her and all this shit. Guilt. I'm too tired to be guilted like this. And she had the audacity to say that I've been sassier since I started talking to Andrew.. what the fuck? I started talking to him two weeks ago. I didn't change because of him. He has nothing to do with my choice of not going and it pissed me the fuck off that it was even brought up to be thrown in my face. All those memories of awkward hang outs made me say no. Fucking. Andrew?? Really? For serial?
Zen.
Zen.
Zen.
The first guy I met was Ken. He seemed pretty cute so I started talking to him. I'm on the fence about him because he didn't finish college. Heck, he didn't graduate from high school either. I'm not sure what his reason was. He just said that school just wasn't for him. My other quibble with him is that even though he came from Hong Kong when he was 9 and speaks English pretty well, he doesn't get the American lingo. That's a pretty big problem since my best trait is my sense of humor. Oh man.. the funniest convo happened though. We were texting about how guys can be horny and stuff. Annette saw the word 'horny' on my phone.
A: Look, he doesn't even know how to spell horny. It's H-O-R-N-E-Y.
L: No! It's spelt H-O-R-N-Y. What the frack? Horney? It's not French.
A: Oh my God. French. hahah. 'Hi, my name is Annette Horney.
L: Lol. Oh my God. Miso Horney!
A: hahahah. I'm going to text Ken that your real name is Miso Horney.
L: No, don't you dare! He's a fob, he won't get it!
*texts* My real name ... Miso horney.
L: Don't you do it! Don't you press that button!
*clicks send*
L: Oh my gahhhhhhh. Nooooooo.
Text:
K: You So horny?? Lol.
L: In France. Nooooo. That's what they call me in Europe.
K: I see. Haha... my bad.
L: Bc I'm Asian. Like miso soup.
And he fell for it! Whaaaatttt. I don't know how I feel about that. haha.
I started talking to another guy, Andrew, as well who said I had a really cute pic. The only reason I messaged him was because he was 720 miles away in Illinois. We talked for a couple of days before I gave him my number. Our relationship blossomed based on a lie. On June 25, my shady bus driver asked me out. He was this mid-forties, balding big white guy. After a couple of minutes of awkward talking, he asked me if I had a boyfriend. I let out the longest 'yessssssss' of my life. Then I told Andrew about it. I said 'now I can't say I've never been asked out.' So he said 'do you wanna go out with me?? make that 2x.' I told him that he should be my fake boyfriend to fend off creepers. And he said it was a deal. I asked him where my flowers were and he sent me a picture of some dead flowers. That's how the relationship started. I had told him before I gave him my number that I didn't like talking on the phone because I'm really quiet and he agreed not to. He called me last friday night at 1:15 in the morning. At the time, I thought it was my alarm ringing. When I saw it was him, I was a really shocked, but I picked up.. It was a sleep yolo moment. And we talked for 1 hour 52 minutes.. It was awesome! I've never been so comfortable talking to someone before. Half the time we didn't even talk. I just hear him breathing. haha. He had a nice calming voice. He called me baby and I called him honey. We decided to be fake boyfriend and girlfriend. It's getting harder and harder because I seem to like him more and more. When I told him that it was weird that we were calling each other 'baby' and 'honey', he didn't see the weirdness. He said that we're friends and that we're playing around; and that if we don't like it anymore, we can just stop talking to each other. That hit me quite hard. I know it's a game and I know I shouldn't be falling for him. Annette said I'm going to get screwed if I fell for him. It's just a game. I told her that I like the fact that someone thinks about me right before they sleep and when they wake up. I like the fact that I matter to someone.
Even though it's a game, talking to Andrew is helping be become better at talking to guys and talking sweet talk to them. He's teaching me and I'm learning. He's great because he supports me in finding someone special, as I wish it for him too. We're both great people. I think we should find someone awesome someday. Hopefully soon.
I went out for Annette birthday to a biergarten in Williamsburg. She said there is a good mix of race and that there are a lot of Asian guys in Williamsburg. She pointed out a group of them, whom looked like players so I wasn't interested.She said there was one behind me and to turn around. I looked back and I saw this really cute Chinese guy. When he looked at me, I turned upward like I was looking at the ceiling. haha. That's my problem with eye contact. I could feel like he was looking at me. Even Annette was telling me so, but I couldn't make eye contact. I was too shy. I wished I did. He was really cute and I regret it so much that just last night, I dreamt I was doing all this research to try to find out who he was. I mean, if it was meant to be, he would have made the move. If it was meant to be, I would see him again. I did see him again at the pizza place we went after the second bar, but he didn't see me. And I was too drunk to act on my desire to go up to him and say 'Hey, wanna hear a pick up line? I wished I lived in your socks so that I can be with you every step of the way.' hahhahah. Sigh. I missed my chance, but fate is FATE! There was this other guy who apparently was hitting on me. When he walked into the bar, we all looked at him and made an ewww face. He looked like the guy on a pizza box. Apparently he was talking to me from behind. Annette told me to turn around. I was already a little drunk so I turned around, looked straight through him and turned right back to Annette. I felt like a hot bitch and I liked it. I didn't mean to be rude, but I can't say it didn't make me feel like the shiz. I'm sorry!
Today is Independence Day. Happy Fourth of July! I was supposed to go out with Jenny to a BBQ, but I backed out. I didn't know that Jeff didn't know she was bringing me. I don't have anything to bring to the party. There's going to be a lot of people there. When I told her I didn't want to go, she went bonkers at me saying that I didn't care to see her and all this shit. Guilt. I'm too tired to be guilted like this. And she had the audacity to say that I've been sassier since I started talking to Andrew.. what the fuck? I started talking to him two weeks ago. I didn't change because of him. He has nothing to do with my choice of not going and it pissed me the fuck off that it was even brought up to be thrown in my face. All those memories of awkward hang outs made me say no. Fucking. Andrew?? Really? For serial?
Zen.
Zen.
Zen.
Monday, May 27, 2013
A Nobody's Love
I was prepared to take the dive
To fuel the reason why I'm still alive
Ready to throw myself in head first
Into the deep with a heart filled with thirst
And if I find that we shan't work
Better you, than I, that be the jerk
What I was not prepared to gain
Was another person's stain
That left him unable to leave the past
So he holds onto this idea that we'd last
A broken promise that broke his heart
I didn't know how I would play my part
If our fate should separate into two
Wish me well as I would wish it for you
And if I shan't see you for a while
Remember me as the one who made you smile
Like two puzzle pieces that almost fit
Close to perfect but not quite it
I was prepared to get my foot in the door
But not if I knew I'd hurt you more
If I should get the short end later on
I'll fix myself when you're gone
I'm just a nobody waiting for a nobody too
So I might not be that somebody for you
[I wrote this a while back. I guess it's about starting a relationship and being afraid of the future. My biggest fear is to let someone in and I end up hurting him. I guess this is what I was talking about when I called myself a considerate person. Humble? sometimes. haha.
I think emotionally, I'm stronger than a lot of people. My emotions are something I can control. At least, my emotions are my own problem. But when it comes to other people and their feelings.. it gets complicated. I've always been by myself. I like my alone time and I hate when people depend on me. I guess it's a fear of letting people down. Will I ever consider myself? Will I give up this fear and take the chance of possibly breaking someone's heart?
Like Emily Dickinson's poem: I'm just a nobody looking for a nobody..]
I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!
They'd banish us; you know!
How dreary to be somebody!
How public like a frog
To tell one's name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!
To fuel the reason why I'm still alive
Ready to throw myself in head first
Into the deep with a heart filled with thirst
And if I find that we shan't work
Better you, than I, that be the jerk
What I was not prepared to gain
Was another person's stain
That left him unable to leave the past
So he holds onto this idea that we'd last
A broken promise that broke his heart
I didn't know how I would play my part
If our fate should separate into two
Wish me well as I would wish it for you
And if I shan't see you for a while
Remember me as the one who made you smile
Like two puzzle pieces that almost fit
Close to perfect but not quite it
I was prepared to get my foot in the door
But not if I knew I'd hurt you more
If I should get the short end later on
I'll fix myself when you're gone
I'm just a nobody waiting for a nobody too
So I might not be that somebody for you
[I wrote this a while back. I guess it's about starting a relationship and being afraid of the future. My biggest fear is to let someone in and I end up hurting him. I guess this is what I was talking about when I called myself a considerate person. Humble? sometimes. haha.
I think emotionally, I'm stronger than a lot of people. My emotions are something I can control. At least, my emotions are my own problem. But when it comes to other people and their feelings.. it gets complicated. I've always been by myself. I like my alone time and I hate when people depend on me. I guess it's a fear of letting people down. Will I ever consider myself? Will I give up this fear and take the chance of possibly breaking someone's heart?
Like Emily Dickinson's poem: I'm just a nobody looking for a nobody..]
I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!
They'd banish us; you know!
How dreary to be somebody!
How public like a frog
To tell one's name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!
I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one's name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog! - See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15392#sthash.gwKAYspu.dpuf
I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one's name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog! - See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15392#sthash.gwKAYspu.dpuf
I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one's name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog! - See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15392#sthash.gwKAYspu.dpuf
I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one's name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog! - See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15392#sthash.gwKAYspu.dpuf]
Saturday, May 25, 2013
There is No Compass for Consideration
Something has been bugging me lately and I'm not sure how I can fix it..
I think I am an extremely considerate person in all its sense. Will I get up for an old lady every time on the bus/train? No, but I can't say I'm not torn between whether I should get up or not. Sometimes, it takes me too long to decide and my window of opportunity to give up my seat is over. I guess if I were truly considerate, I would get up in an instant, but still, I do consider it. I think about everything and I think that makes me a reliable friend. I'm good that way.
What I'm extremely bad at is showing compassion. You can tell me about your life and I could be listening, but sometimes, I can care less about what you are saying. I feel nothing inside. Most of the time, I'm just thinking 'suck it up and stop being a pussy'. I guess that's how I was raised. My mom isn't that compassionate either. I remembered when I was younger and I had this cold for about two weeks. When I asked my mom to take me to the doctor, she said 'why are you such a burden!' I remembered thinking that I haven't gone to the doctor in over 1.5 years. I didn't think I was a burden... Never forgot it. I'm not heart-broken over it. It is what it is.
That's my motto in life. 'It is.. what it is.' When people tell me their problems, sometimes I would chime in and agree that this life sucks. But when it becomes routine that your life is just a big complaint, I get extremely annoyed and you can tell. I suck at hiding my feelings and I do like that about myself. I don't like thinking about sad things in life. I don't need constant negative outlooks in life when all I'm trying to do is live my life on this earth as sweet as I can. Compassion, I lack. Consideration, I am full of.
Maybe this whole keeping my feelings in is a bad thing. Like a ticking time bomb about to set off with every negative droplet of information I get. Yes, I'm probably one of the most drama-free people you will ever meet. So please, don't fill my life with your drama. I'm drama-free for a reason. I try not to take things to heart too much and I stay look at the greener side of life.
Let me be happy, won't you?
I think I am an extremely considerate person in all its sense. Will I get up for an old lady every time on the bus/train? No, but I can't say I'm not torn between whether I should get up or not. Sometimes, it takes me too long to decide and my window of opportunity to give up my seat is over. I guess if I were truly considerate, I would get up in an instant, but still, I do consider it. I think about everything and I think that makes me a reliable friend. I'm good that way.
What I'm extremely bad at is showing compassion. You can tell me about your life and I could be listening, but sometimes, I can care less about what you are saying. I feel nothing inside. Most of the time, I'm just thinking 'suck it up and stop being a pussy'. I guess that's how I was raised. My mom isn't that compassionate either. I remembered when I was younger and I had this cold for about two weeks. When I asked my mom to take me to the doctor, she said 'why are you such a burden!' I remembered thinking that I haven't gone to the doctor in over 1.5 years. I didn't think I was a burden... Never forgot it. I'm not heart-broken over it. It is what it is.
That's my motto in life. 'It is.. what it is.' When people tell me their problems, sometimes I would chime in and agree that this life sucks. But when it becomes routine that your life is just a big complaint, I get extremely annoyed and you can tell. I suck at hiding my feelings and I do like that about myself. I don't like thinking about sad things in life. I don't need constant negative outlooks in life when all I'm trying to do is live my life on this earth as sweet as I can. Compassion, I lack. Consideration, I am full of.
Maybe this whole keeping my feelings in is a bad thing. Like a ticking time bomb about to set off with every negative droplet of information I get. Yes, I'm probably one of the most drama-free people you will ever meet. So please, don't fill my life with your drama. I'm drama-free for a reason. I try not to take things to heart too much and I stay look at the greener side of life.
Let me be happy, won't you?
Baby, Are You Lonesome, Tonight?
So I guess my life's timeline isn't going the way I planned. I'm not exactly dating the guy I'm going to marry right now. I guess it becomes sad when I get excited seeing the "Boyfriend Pillow" on Groupon and my coworkers calling it "pathetic" if I bought one. Sigh..
So what is this feeling that I need to go out to a club and dance like a lunatic to David Guetta's Play Hard song ever since I heard it in the new Beats commercial? Maybe I'm lonesome.
My coworker said that if I really liked Chris, that I would have stayed with him no matter what my friends thought. At first, I really did like him. I really did. It wasn't my "imaginary penis" talking. I told her that at first, I could overlook his flaws, but when we were hanging together with my friends, I realized that those flaws were moving cross-borders and I didn't like his manners. There is a certain line that you can't cross with strangers. Everyone has a personal space that should be respected. That's all I ask.
So what is this feeling that I need to go out to a club and dance like a lunatic to David Guetta's Play Hard song ever since I heard it in the new Beats commercial? Maybe I'm lonesome.
My coworker said that if I really liked Chris, that I would have stayed with him no matter what my friends thought. At first, I really did like him. I really did. It wasn't my "imaginary penis" talking. I told her that at first, I could overlook his flaws, but when we were hanging together with my friends, I realized that those flaws were moving cross-borders and I didn't like his manners. There is a certain line that you can't cross with strangers. Everyone has a personal space that should be respected. That's all I ask.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
spoiled by riches? no thanks (unless it's the lottery)
I believe that, in life, to find happiness, you have to look within. To look outward is to be disappointed. You see all the things other people have. You become upset of all the things they have, when you have... less. I often look to myself to find happiness and it has worked pretty well for me so far. To call me spoiled will be taken with the utmost defense.
But life has dangled fruits in my face and it drives me mad that other people can be so... spoiled. Sure, I don't have to care for those people. I can just think about myself and the things I got on my own. The clothes I paid for. The food I paid for. The coupons I clipped. The pampering I learned to hate for their expensive, worthless nature. I've always tried to look in myself for happiness and count my blessings. The life I created for myself is a blessing. It has made me the person that I am, and I consider myself good and blessed. But the spoiled are still spoiled.
I don't care that other people are more fortunate than I am because I am more fortunate than some other people. Sure, it would be nice to win the lottery and live a generous and carefree life. I often get caught in those fantasies and then afterwards, I would go into work and flip everyone off. Then I can swearing and start throwing slang all over the place. Possibly moonwalk out of there.. but it's such a long walk out of there...
Happiness is from within. I try my best not to compare my life with others because everyone is different; everyone has their own problems that they deal with no matter how perfect their lives seem to the outside. I would be a terrible person if I made my life a tragedy. I would be in a really dark place.
So I look on the bright side. I look to the brighter side of things. I look to all the things that make me happy. Life is to live. Do I really want my CPA? What status do I even want? Why should my career define me? I love my life to enjoy all aspects of my life. Accounting is not my passion. I'd rather be doing other hobbies. I don't need to make that much money. I'm a humble girl. I can get by living a modest life.
Life is worth as much as you make it out to be. If you live in sadness, then you have a sad life. If you live in greed, then you have a greedy life. If you live in happiness, then you have a happy life. Simple enough, right? Right?
But life has dangled fruits in my face and it drives me mad that other people can be so... spoiled. Sure, I don't have to care for those people. I can just think about myself and the things I got on my own. The clothes I paid for. The food I paid for. The coupons I clipped. The pampering I learned to hate for their expensive, worthless nature. I've always tried to look in myself for happiness and count my blessings. The life I created for myself is a blessing. It has made me the person that I am, and I consider myself good and blessed. But the spoiled are still spoiled.
I don't care that other people are more fortunate than I am because I am more fortunate than some other people. Sure, it would be nice to win the lottery and live a generous and carefree life. I often get caught in those fantasies and then afterwards, I would go into work and flip everyone off. Then I can swearing and start throwing slang all over the place. Possibly moonwalk out of there.. but it's such a long walk out of there...
Happiness is from within. I try my best not to compare my life with others because everyone is different; everyone has their own problems that they deal with no matter how perfect their lives seem to the outside. I would be a terrible person if I made my life a tragedy. I would be in a really dark place.
So I look on the bright side. I look to the brighter side of things. I look to all the things that make me happy. Life is to live. Do I really want my CPA? What status do I even want? Why should my career define me? I love my life to enjoy all aspects of my life. Accounting is not my passion. I'd rather be doing other hobbies. I don't need to make that much money. I'm a humble girl. I can get by living a modest life.
Life is worth as much as you make it out to be. If you live in sadness, then you have a sad life. If you live in greed, then you have a greedy life. If you live in happiness, then you have a happy life. Simple enough, right? Right?
Thursday, March 7, 2013
It Is What It Is
Ah, life, how can you move on when I remain stagnate? I've been trying to be more of a positive person. Well, I think I've always been positive, but people are starting to take notice. Well, maybe positive is the wrong word. I just don't like when people are killing my funk with negativity. I just want to have fun conversations about nothing. Occasionally, I like talking serious to soothe my ancient American soul. One thing I like about myself is my nature for accepting things that I can not change. I'm not like that all the time, but I eventually come to the realization about certain things and I accept them.
'It Is What It Is' is an idiomatic phrase, indicating the immutable nature of an object or circumstance.
Single; single; single. I accept it, but man I'm getting tired of it though. The more I think about the Science tutor, the more I hate him. He just stopped contacting me and started going on that site again. Honestly, I'm glad we're not talking. What bugs me is that we pinky promised we would stay friends if we should ever break. He's a 29 year old child. Thinking back at our time together, I just feel like he pushed himself into my comfort zone; refusing to stop when I said 'stop' and guilting me into feeling a certain way when I wasn't sure how I felt.
My best friend wants to set me up with her boyfriend's best friend. Maybe it's the whole online dating mind set, but I'd rather get to know him via text first before meeting him. It would be major awkward.. Ahh.. a museum date would be perfect. We could stare mindlessly at art and poking fun at the blank canvases that made their way into the biggest museums in the city. I would get to know him and he would get a taste of my funny personality. But oh wells.. it's hard making a guy like you upon first meeting. I need to sweet talk him into liking me via text because I'm only charming with written words. Hmm.. I'm going to try extra hard this year to find someone. I'm going to keep an open mind.
The time has come. Love will not come via light rain. It's gonna hurricane.
whoosh
'It Is What It Is' is an idiomatic phrase, indicating the immutable nature of an object or circumstance.
Single; single; single. I accept it, but man I'm getting tired of it though. The more I think about the Science tutor, the more I hate him. He just stopped contacting me and started going on that site again. Honestly, I'm glad we're not talking. What bugs me is that we pinky promised we would stay friends if we should ever break. He's a 29 year old child. Thinking back at our time together, I just feel like he pushed himself into my comfort zone; refusing to stop when I said 'stop' and guilting me into feeling a certain way when I wasn't sure how I felt.
My best friend wants to set me up with her boyfriend's best friend. Maybe it's the whole online dating mind set, but I'd rather get to know him via text first before meeting him. It would be major awkward.. Ahh.. a museum date would be perfect. We could stare mindlessly at art and poking fun at the blank canvases that made their way into the biggest museums in the city. I would get to know him and he would get a taste of my funny personality. But oh wells.. it's hard making a guy like you upon first meeting. I need to sweet talk him into liking me via text because I'm only charming with written words. Hmm.. I'm going to try extra hard this year to find someone. I'm going to keep an open mind.
The time has come. Love will not come via light rain. It's gonna hurricane.
whoosh
Friday, February 8, 2013
Fishing Around the Wrong Pond
So many bipolar emotions packed in to the past 2 months.
The white guy wasn't as awesome as I thought he was. His looks were .. deceiving, to say the least. The hang out went fine. We walked through Central Park and then around for about 2.5 hours. Went to Sleepys so he could try on some beds. Hugged and said our good byes. As soon as I left him.. all I could think about was how I could let him down easy. Let's just say that as sweet as my words can be, I am the worst at saying "thank you, but no thank you."
So, let's just move on.
Mr. Google. I've pretty much given up on meeting him. He's not making any moves nor is he signaling that he wants to meet up. I have given up on him. But I occasionally miss talking to him. So I text him now and then.
Met another guy. He's a science teacher. Well, tutor for now. Still admirable. Went on my very first date Dec 7. It was good. We're so different, but I thought he would be good for me. He'll get me out of my shell. The funny part is that he majored in psychology. I swore I would have nothing to do with them psychologists. Maybe he's different. Had my first kiss with him. Boy do I like kissing. And apparently, it clouded my judgement. We are both so different. It wasn't apparent until we double dated with my best friend and he boyfriend. So different that I just can't overlook it. I need this to be over with fast. When I don't feel it, I don't want them to feel it either. How can I do it? How should I do it?
I thought guys were supposed to be the strong, silent ones. I know I'm pretty detached, but I need the guy to be less emotional than me. I don't want to have to constantly tell the guy that I'm in love. I want them to know, just by looking at me, that I am..
I'm just about done with online dating. It's not my thing. At lease I met some decent people.
The white guy wasn't as awesome as I thought he was. His looks were .. deceiving, to say the least. The hang out went fine. We walked through Central Park and then around for about 2.5 hours. Went to Sleepys so he could try on some beds. Hugged and said our good byes. As soon as I left him.. all I could think about was how I could let him down easy. Let's just say that as sweet as my words can be, I am the worst at saying "thank you, but no thank you."
So, let's just move on.
Mr. Google. I've pretty much given up on meeting him. He's not making any moves nor is he signaling that he wants to meet up. I have given up on him. But I occasionally miss talking to him. So I text him now and then.
Met another guy. He's a science teacher. Well, tutor for now. Still admirable. Went on my very first date Dec 7. It was good. We're so different, but I thought he would be good for me. He'll get me out of my shell. The funny part is that he majored in psychology. I swore I would have nothing to do with them psychologists. Maybe he's different. Had my first kiss with him. Boy do I like kissing. And apparently, it clouded my judgement. We are both so different. It wasn't apparent until we double dated with my best friend and he boyfriend. So different that I just can't overlook it. I need this to be over with fast. When I don't feel it, I don't want them to feel it either. How can I do it? How should I do it?
I thought guys were supposed to be the strong, silent ones. I know I'm pretty detached, but I need the guy to be less emotional than me. I don't want to have to constantly tell the guy that I'm in love. I want them to know, just by looking at me, that I am..
I'm just about done with online dating. It's not my thing. At lease I met some decent people.
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