Fishes in the Sea

Skout guy with the girlfriend texted me up a week after the first meeting to ask me if I was free for dinner. I told him I was busy hoping he'd get the hint. He texted the week after and because he started with the text "Hey friend", I thought he finally got the hint that I didn't really want a friends with benefits kind of relationship with him as I had previously told him. So I decided to meet him after work for dinner. We had Joe's Shanghai. He wanted sake. I was like fine. It's so weird because we barely talk when we meet. We have nothing in common and neither of us are engaging each other. The alcohol will loosen us up. After dinner, he wanted to go to a bar. We went to a bar for soju. Then another place for soju. This place was pretty ghetto. We had our own private booth, but we were sitting so far across from each other. There were curtains that can be drawn so we can get our "privacy". Eventually, he came over and sat next to me. I leaned back. He put his arm around me. "Really? This again?" He told me he was going back to Virginia mid-August to finalize the break up. Again, I told him that this means nothing to me. That making out was just for fun. Agreed. So we kissed. Sigh.. curse my uber desire to kiss. Then we went for karaoke. We had a huge room. He was singing a song and drunk me started licking his face.. his ears. I bit them too. Then we started making out. We both got handsy... Someone walks in and tells us we couldn't do that there.. So embarrassed and ashamed, I got off of him. That was the end of the night. He asked if I was free that weekend. I told him that it wasn't working out for me anymore and that we should go our separate ways. Sometimes I miss the kissing.. But ultimately, I would hate myself more... he had a girlfriend and there were no feelings. And each time we met, things escalated. We had nothing in common. It had to be done.

I told Andrew about it on my ride to work the next day. He was astonished. I jokingly told him that it was his fault. That I missed him so much that I needed an outlet for it. He thought I was being serious. I called him when I got in to work and we talked about it because he wanted to know the details. He told me he was a little jealous. He told me that even though we had feelings for each other, due to the distance, that we would never work. He also added that I was his favorite person to talk to on the phone because it was so easy. This made me like him more that day.

But my feelings for him comes and goes. Because we're in a fake relationship, I don't let it ruin my fun with other guys and I'm sure it's the same for him. We don't talk as much as we used to and I'm talking to some really cool guys right now so I'm happy. But now that I'm starting to like talking to these other guys, I feel weird calling Andrew pet names..

"The Others":

Japan is cool beans. He's funny and he calls me China. We talk about nonsense like Streetfighters II and weird videos/news. He still wanted to talk to me even though I told him I might never meet him. That's always an ok in my book.

Andy the Viet is cool too. I was looking at profiles and I came upon his one night. When I was trying to scroll down, I accidentally winked at him. So he said hi to me. I told him it was a mistake because I don't wink at people, but that it must be fate. He's pretty fun to talk to. I talk to him everyday. On weekdays, I ask him what's for lunch. At night, he would tell me a funny joke before I sleep which is awesome.

Canadian Ken. He's cool too. He's funny, but I don't like when he compliments me. It feels a little weird. He's really nice. He tells me fun jokes too. I haven't spoken to him in a week. He's moving to Australia for law school. So awesome that he's worldly.

Last but not least, Jason. I only recently started talking to him, but currently, I like talking to him the most. He messaged me with a joke and I decided to write back because he lived in Minnesota, 1000+ miles away. Turns out, he's there for his Pharm D degree and he's actually a New Yorker. He's really funny and easy to talk to. His pervertedness doesn't even make me cringe as do some other guys. He was a psychology major, so he knows how to manipulate. So far it's working. He has one more year of schooling to go. I doubt this will work out, but I think he'll be fun to play with.

This world is such a big place. I'm just trying to connect with people far and wide. This is me putting myself out there right? Right??

I think all of them have told me to have more confidence in myself. As of currently, I am feeling more beautiful about myself..

 "I'm not beautiful like you. I'm beautiful like me"