Kiss

I think I'm in love with my virtual pen pal. He's the smartest guy I've had the pleasure to talk to. Everything I bring up, he has a opinion on. I feed on his knowledge and I'm so attracted to his wit. This is sad. I'm falling for someone who's not as interested in me. How do I know? Well, he wouldn't respond until days later because he's so into this game called Mass Effect. I shouldn't be feeling the way I do because it's not meant to be. If it were, we would have met in real life. But since that's not the case, it's just a great loss to me.. for us.

The more I look at him, the more I wonder why I'm attracted to him. I love talking to him, but what if I had met him in real life? Would I still like him? I don't know. I just.. don't know. He's an ISFJ as well. What the hell?! That's me!

I don't want to like him. I enjoy his messages so much. I'd be so sad if it ended. I wonder if he'd feel the same way? I wonder if he chuckles when he reads my responses as I do with his.

Mmm, I can't think about this now. No strings. This was what I was trying to avoid!

Can You See Me?

It's been a while since we last spoke
But not a day goes by do I not think about you
And the times that those pictures signify

Hard to believe that I screwed up
But I wouldn't go back and erase those feelings
I'd love you the same way again

Hard to let go of us
When you were all I wanted
Like a hunger for something never to be

I yearn for you with all my heart
Broken inside for the rest of my life
Stuck in the past and never to move on

I used my pride to hide from love
And I regret I lost you
Why didn't you see through it?

Dream

I had a dream that I was with Jenny at a small party with, dare I say it, boys. I remember this guy took an interest in me and he trapped me against a wall. His face was about 2 inches from mine staring at me. I was intimidated. I looked to the left side so that I could avoid his stare. Then he got closer and took off his necklace and he put it on me. He was so close to me. I made eye contact and then I looked away. He got annoyed because he thought I wasn't interested so he wanted his necklace back. But he took off mine instead and I was like, 'that's mine..'

This dream made me realize that I do hide from love. I knew that if I looked into his eyes and felt his warmth, I would have kissed him passionately. I say that I hate when people invade my personal space, but that only applies if the person isn't welcomed. If it was a love interest, I would love for him to get up in my face and try to trigger the lust I have for the love I so want in my life. Maybe that's why I don't look at a guy in the eyes. I'm scared I would fall for him and I'm scared of what I would do when I can't control my desires. Life is too short to not live passionately and vigorously. I wonder who will be bold enough to get up in my face and make me want it? I'm very delicate. You have to approach me in the right way. Please don't give up on me.

Virtual Guys

What am I doing with my life that would make me join an online dating site? I know they say that 1 of 4 people use online dating, but I never thought I would be one of them. I'm not trying to downplay other people who use them because God knows many people find their soul mates on there. I've tried this before last October, but was scared away by some passionate stalker. But my loneliness and desire for male companionship has lead me back there once again. I'm not planning on meeting anyone on there. I simply want some male pen pals that I share common interests with. I met a couple of guys who I exchange essay long responses with.

One is so smart and I love writing to him because he's so clever and funny that it makes me smile every time. He uses so many big words and references that I'm glad I need Google's help sometimes. I love talking to him nonetheless.

One of them is nice and we often talk about our jobs and friends. We complain some too. I guess I can tell why he's not dating. He has this friend vibe.

One likes to push my buttons. He offends me by questioning why I'm on the site when I have no intention of meeting anyone on there. He also called me crazy and dramatic, which shocked me. It's not my fault that he asks me about my psychological problems and not about the happier things I like to talk about. He asked me if I liked having my buttons pushed. I do. I like that feeling of fiery passion that he made me feel when he talks to me. I like having my buttons pushed when it's someone I'm attracted to. If it was some ugly guy, then I'd get annoyed. He seemed like a cool guy. He seems too cool for me.

One is probably serendipity. There's this guy that I met freshmen year of college. Well, I didn't meet him perse. He was hanging with one of my friends from high school. She told me his name and it kind of stuck with me all these years and I didn't know that until very recently when I saw his picture on the site and his whole name came to mind. He had an unusual last name and I thought he was really good looking back then. I guess that's why I remembered him. I messaged him and now he's trying to figure out who our mutual friend is. I bet I know what he's feeling. Intrigue from the unknown and curiosity about who this girl is. Boy, disappointment will ensue if he knew I wasn't as pretty as how my pictures portray me to be.

I was having a conversation with my friend at work and she asked me why I wouldn't meet this guy since we have a mutual friend. Well, I'm afraid I'm not pretty enough. I'm afraid of the mutual friend finding out and telling my other friends about it. Her circle consist of a guy that I hate with all my heart. The one who abandoned me with no closure as I stood there wondering why he stopped talking to me all of a sudden. The one who went out with a good friend of mine and she also ended up ignoring me as well. It wasn't until years later that she began talking to me again through Facebook, or at least replies to my wall posts. They talked smack about me and I don't like that. If he were to ask our mutual about me, I could imagine all the things she would say about me. Why should I have to go through that humiliation and rejection? Why couldn't he have been a mutual friend of one of my best friends? Is it really serendipity? I'd rather not think so. He's a guy that I thought was super good looking 6 years ago. That's it.

"Life's too short to even care at all, oh oh"