I Have Lost My Will To Live

This happens to be one of the most gut wrenching weeks of my life. This is comparable to when I had the period of depression and I didn't know what to do with myself.

All my life... I've lived to look forward to one thing. And that is love. That was my aim in life. That is what I wanted most in the whole world. Now... I feel like I've lost my will to live.

Valentine's Day was bittersweet. Jersey sent me my first bouquet of flowers and they were beautiful. He remembered where I worked when I casually told him on our first date. We met up and we went to karaoke. It was unlimited drinks, so I drank my fair share of it. I drank passed the state of intoxication. And I did the dumbass move of taking the train alone. Jersey insisted greatly, but I'm such a stubborn person that I refused it. And I was caught drunk by my parents. They were livid.

A week later, my dad asked me if I was dating. I told him I was. And once he found out that he wasn't Chinese, he flipped out. And he did nothing but speak bad about him. That angered me because he didn't know Jersey. He didn't know how well he treated me and how nice and thoughtful he was. This is what happens when the old Chinese only hang around with other Chinese people. They remain set in their own stuck up ways and they refused to accept change. If I  could take back that day, I would. It's just ammo that my parents could use against him later on.

I thought my mom would be softer to the notion but she was worst. How dare you look down on someone I liked this much? How dare you judge him by his race. Who are you and how dare you?

I broke up with him last Sunday after the talk with mom. It was so hard because I liked him so much. The most upsetting part is that even though I said that my parents could control every aspect of my life, but that the one thing they can't control is whom I love.. I had let happen. The mere thought that they would never accept him is not fair to him. Why should he have people feel ill towards him when they didn't even know him? I can't bear the fact that it was because of me that he would have these people dislike him and look down on him so much. So I ended things.

I wanted to do it face to face, but he wanted to know what I wanted to talk about. He was out with his friends that Sunday. When I asked what he was doing, he replied "missing you" and that angered me because of what I had to do. When I told him I don't think we should see each other anymore, he said "oh ok. That's fine". Was is just that easy for you, Jersey? He pointed out that it was apparently that easy for me. And we went back and forth as I begged him to meet up with me on Monday to talk about it. He was being a jerk about it refusing to meet me. Even saying that we weren't even together. So.. I wrote what I was going to say to him via text. "Fine. I'll write what I have to say then. You don't have to reply. I know you're being a jerk so you can spare seeing my cry, but I just want to apologize to you in person for hurting you even if it's a tiny speck of your heart. You're right. We weren't together. But do you think it's fucking easy for me? This is fucking breaking my heart and I can't stand the fact that my parents will never accept you bc you're not what they want. It's not fair to you that they feel this way and I'll never get over them feeling that way about you. I've always said that I'll never let them decide who I choose to love yet here it is. I don't ever want anyone to feel bad feelings towards you. And yes it was fun while it lasted. I don't regret anything with you and I'm just really sorry. You're going to make someone really lucky someday. Jersey, you're awesome and I hope we could be friends but I understand if that's a no." And then I sent him a painting that was Banksy inspired saying that he was the inspiration to my first original piece of art.

He asked me what happened but I tried changing the subject to the weather. I always did that to him when I didn't want to talk about something. "I guess it's just a joke to you then." "Don't you dare say that to me." "So why are you talking about the weather when I asked you something about us?" "My dad is against our relationship. I thought my mom would be softer to the notion but she was even worst.. All they care about is someone Chinese. And they wouldn't budge. I fought for us, so don't you dare say I didn't care about you. It wasn't easy for me to let you go so stop being such a jerk about me not caring."

He called me late that night but I cried myself to sleep. I didn't even hear my phone ring. It was 1:40 in the morning.

The next day, I spoke to Annette about it and I could barely keep my cool. I just burst into tears and I could barely read the conversation Jersey and I had. But the day went better as Jersey accepted to stay friends with me and we were talking normal. He was being so nice about it too. "Besides we've only known each other for a couple of months. We were basically friends. Not that I didn't feel anything for you besides friendship cuz I certainly did. I felt heaps, but I remember when we just started talking before we met I told you that I thought you were cool enough that even if we met and it didn't work out, I'd still like for us to be friends." That was the most perfect reply and I respected him so much for saying that. He was being so understanding and it meant a lot to me.

So we spoke normal for a few days and I was happy. I still liked him as a person and I wanted to remain on friend terms with him.

Then, another conversation with dad that just broke my heart. I was still pissed off that I had to stop dating Jersey so I was ignoring my dad. They didn't know I broke things off. He wanted to talk, but I didn't want to hear him talk down on Jersey again so I said I didn't want to talk about it. The conversation was so intense. I broke my dad's heart. But apparently, my heart breaking means absolutely nothing.

The next day as I was riding the bus, I realized that it has never been my choice to choose whom I love. I was never my own person. I was just an extension of my parents and I will forever live that way. 'I'm not suicidal, but I have lost my will to live. If I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't care.' When I got to work, tears started falling as I waited for Annette to come in to work. When she got in, I asked her to go to the back with me so that I could tell her what happened as I cried hysterically at the Fate I never knew I had. All I've ever wanted was to find love and that's no longer my choice in the matter. So what is it that I'm living for? That's what I asked Annette.. What am I living for now?

Friday, he wished me a "good morning gorgeous" and I was like eww because what was Jersey thinking? I thought we went through this. So I changed the conversation so that it looks like he's calling the cold weather gorgeous. But no, he came back to it. "No I was calling you gorgeous." He asked if I wanted to see the Lego Movie. I'm dying to see that movie and he knows that. But to see him on a Friday night like I have done every friday night would raise suspicion from my parents so I declined. It's so hard when you have Annette telling me that she approves of Jersey and our relationship. And then you have Jersey telling me that he's willing to learn Chinese for me and saying that his great great great grandmother might have been Chinese. His sweetness just breaks my heart. And it just makes me angrier at my parents for looking down on such a great guy. Fine, I won't date him, but don't look down on him. Fucked up.

I feel like I'm going into my dark place again because all I want to do is to be alone and cry. Cry for the life I thought was my own. Cry for the great love I might have lost. Cry for the part of my heart that died. Cry for the pain I've cost another. Cry for the pride my parents have. I wasn't raised to care about money. It was never important to me. All I care about is finding someone worthy to love and just live a happy life. I've never been a happy person. I've just been good at burying my sadness. Now that I know it's not my life to live.. I've died on the inside. I'm just a zombie. Can someone die from a broken heart? If so, I might die sooner than I thought I would.

I'm alway happy come Friday because I had seeing Jersey to look forward to. He would have been the guy I looked forward to seeing in the summer when I have my hectic schedule when Annette goes on maternity leave. He would be my rejuvenation when I've had a long week at work. My parents took that away from me. The summer is going to be torturous and no one can comfort me.

I Found It in Jersey

Still single.. but hopefully not for long..

After the whole shirt thing with Japan, I felt like he's been distancing himself from me. At one point, I told him a hilarious, racy joke and he ignored me for a week. And I called him out on it. Then he ignored me for another week. Thinking that was the end of our online talks, I went back on to skout for male companionship. Japan shocked and kind of broke my heart when he ignored me. We've been talking for so long that he was someone I considered consistent in my life. He wasn't like Chicago bc Japan was closer. Even if I didn't think much of him in a romantic way, it was heartbreaking that he could stop talking to me like that.

And so I went back on skout. I went through my old messages and noticed this one guy that I've always seen on there. I didn't even realize he messaged me so I messaged him back. And that's when I started liking him. I liked that he got my jokes and played along with them. I liked that he remembers the things I tell him. I like that he's confident and funny. I like that we're different, but get along. It's been over a month of talking. He certainly is a smooth talker. We've established that we are just about opposites. But I like him nonetheless. And I met him for a brief moment the day after Christmas. I brought him some of my lemon cookies. We hugged hello and we hugged goodbye. I remember his face being ever so soft. I liked his voice.. Upon meeting him.. I wasn't sure if I liked him.. But the more I thought about it.. the more I seemed to like him and missed talking to him. We even texted for a whole 8 hours one night! And he won his first final fantasy football league :). He called me his lucky charm :).

He calls me Rikers. He seems awesome... I hope he's not going to be another Chris.. I fear that the most... That I might fall for someone really fast and fall out of it just as fast. Whoever Jersey is.. I really want to get to know him... <3>

Dwindling Ball of Boy Yarn

What I noticed lately is that I'm becoming more and more.. dare I say.. irrationally mean? All this pent-up anger inside.. it's rearing its ugly head... and I don't know what to do.. :*( This is indeed an inside battle that I have yet to overcome.

Well, I made up with Jenny. I texted her exactly a month after the last time we spoke. Anyone who really knows me knows it's hard for me to apologize when I don't think I'm wrong. Annette told me to be the bigger person.. and it was hard.. because I didn't think I was wrong.. Bygones be bygones. I hope she doesn't bring it up. I don't like bringing up the past.

In other news... my list of guys are dwindling... Let's see..

"Chicago" is getting on my utmost nerves. He would text me randomly "what's up?" or "how are you?" And I would reply. Then he wouldn't respond until hours or days later. Do it once, it's fine. Do it often and it gets me annoyed. Why would you text me if you're busy? I'd rather you not text me at all than leave me hanging. He apologized. I asked what was he apologizing for? Hours later.. he said he was sorry for not texting more. He doesn't know what bothers me. I'm over it. Hyemi wanted to take a little trip and she suggested Chicago. It would be nice to go there and see the sights.. but the mere fact that he's there.. I don't want to go at all. I don't want to see him. I think it's the same reason I don't want to FaceTime with him. The fact that I thought he was this perfect guy in the beginning.. I'm just scared that bubble will pop. Subconsciously, that bubble was gone a while back.. but the confirmation scares me.

"Chicago #2 aka Lizard Man 87" is still fun to talk to but he's unpredictable. I would talk to him weeks at a time. The last time we spoke, he was telling me about his one night stand. Man, was that steamy.. He asked me how descriptive I wanted him to be and I told him 'as descriptive as my stories to him'.. I was never that descriptive. haha. It was kind of awkward.. a lotta awkward to hear. It made me less attracted to him.. His sexuality was a little alarming. I had this perfect image of him in my head. He was this cute, nerdy guy to me. That image was shattered and he's not as fun to me anymore.

"Connecticut" has a girlfriend now.. so our conversations are scarce. Actually, the last time we spoke was about a month ago. This is fine. I knew this day would come and it's exactly how I would want it to be. All these guys.. they are just fillers in my life until I find that special someone. I needed a male companion that I enjoyed talking with to keep me company during those lonely nights. I enjoy the fun conversations about nothingness while maintaining enough distance to satiate my growing phobia of commitment.. Back to Connecticut. He was fun to talk to because he was funny. And even though he's a fob, he got my jokes. Sometimes, I miss the early days where we would talk passed midnight and I would wake up cranky for work because I didn't get enough sleep. I miss those nights where he would tell me a Viet joke right before bed time. I missed seeing his dimples on videochat. But, honestly, I'm glad he's found someone. We wouldn't have worked out. I know we wouldn't... But one time, I was so tempted to buy that train ticket to go see him. He would have taken me to see the Yale art museum. I bet it wasn't all that anyway.

"Canada Ken" is long gone. Haven't heard from him is a million years. Hope he's alright and well. I wish him the best. He was nice.

"Canada Duc" is another random one. But he's got a lot on his plate. Constantly working overtime to make enough money for his future. Super admirable, but he needs to rest. I sort of have a soft side for him. He seems sad. I just want to give him a long hug. A long, long one.

"Minnesota" doesn't really exist anymore. I haven't heard from him in so long. A part of me wishes he'd come back to New York. A part of me wanted to be with him because he was so funny and a dufus. But most of me knew he's not the one. Why? Not sure. Aren't soulmates supposed to know the other when they see them? Besides, he's was a psych major. We knew how Chris ended... They know how to manipulate.. And I have the easiest mind to do so.. everyone is honest until proven otherwise, right?

"Guy With a GF" should now be single by now. he hasn't contacted me.. which is good. The guy who likes Hyemi is also an intern at the same hospital as him.. I'm too embarrassed to ask about him.. So weird..

"Nurse Guy" is out of the picture too. Sure, he was the last to text me, but was I supposed to make the next move? He was a good kisser.. but I'm not into him like that. It's not fair to initiate when I see no future with him. I don't want to give him the wrong idea.

"Japan" is the consistent one. He went to South Africa for two weeks and boy did I miss him. I'm not sure if he's my type. He's another one that I'm scared to meet because I'm scared to ruin this image I created of him in my head. And vice versa. What if I did like him and he doesn't like me? Rejection is what holds me back on a lot of things. He showed me a picture of him dressed like a menguin with all the penguins in South Africa... Jerkass me cropped his picture and used the image of the penguins without telling him to enter this Uniqlo contest to win a heattech shirt. And I won.. When I told Jenny that I won and that I used his picture for the contest, she said I should have told him. She was right.. it made me feel really bad about it, especially because I should have known better. The fact that it didn't even occur to me that it was stealing pains me. I told him about it after. I'm not sure if he was upset or not. He hid it well. I did tell him that I no longer wanted that 'stinking shirt' and that he could have it. Hopefully, it comes.. and I guess we're going to finally meet. We don't talk as much as we did before he left for South Africa.. perhaps another lady is in the picture? Which is fine.. That's what fillers are, right? I do like talking to Japan though. He showed me a short video and it had a clip of him smiling. He has a cute smile.. smiling with his eyes.

"Aussie" is a new guy. 20 year old .. I'm not exactly sure how he found me on kik because you can't randomly talk to people. You either find people by name or number. At first, I didn't believe him that he was some stranger. And also, I didn't believe in talking to him because he was so young. I thought, I don't want to talk to this guy. I have so many guys I'm talking to right now. And he's soo young. He's going to be too childish! Well... color me a child then because I really enjoy talking to him. And the 16 hour difference matches up perfectly with my schedule. I like talking to someone on my ride to work and at night time when I'm laying in bed. And he's funny. He even has the simian line on his right hand, just like me!

This is no longer about finding someone special. It's about connecting with people far and wide. And it's a pretty special thing. And hopefully, in this process, I don't get hurt..

So I'm trying to be less bitchy. I need to find peace within myself so that I don't let other people frustrate me. Young Me wouldn't like the Present Me. I've always said that I'm not like most girls and that I don't get mad over petty things. Is me getting mad at Chicago being petty? I don't know, but at this point, I don't really care.

Remember.. breathe.. one...two..three.

Deep Rooted Monster

It's now been three weeks since Jenny and I have last spoken. This went down over something I said. I've always held my tongue when I talk to her because I knew she was sensitive. I remember telling her that she was sensitive one time and she got emotional over it.. Ok, you're not sensitive..

The text started out with her listing how much laundry, candy, food, and stickers cost. She does this so often that finally I asked her not to talk about money with me. She makes more than me, so imagine my frustration when she bitches about how little she makes. She once made a comment how her job was harder than mine. I held my tongue. I hold my tongue a lot when we talk.

The conversation eventually went into me telling her that I think she complains a lot about things I don't see are that big of a deal. She went into "whoa is me" mode and accused me of saying that I don't want to hear any of her worries and what not. I mean, it's an opinion. You asked. I answered. I even told her that it's my fault that I was raised with a cold heart.

18 years of friendship. I thought about apologizing to her. But there was nothing to apologize for. She asked me what it was. I told her. I didn't say it in an attacking way. At one point, I told her to forget what I said. She made a comment that we should always be honest.. Yea? Look where it got us. She doesn't want honesty. She wants me to stay quiet and listen to her rant about mostly money crap. Yea, sorry if I don't understand her first-world problems.

Thinking about this fight and how petty is was just made me mad. Do I let go of an 18 year friendship over some petty fight like this? If I have to.. then yes. Here's why:

I know what it's like to be depressed. I know that awful feeling of not knowing why you're sad. You just are. I worked hard to push those feelings down deep inside me so that I don't have to ever feel that nothingness again. So I surround myself with happy thoughts. I am my own best friend. I talk and rationalize with my subconsious so when I'm being stupid, I know it. When I'm being unreasonable, I know it. I don't like getting mad. I like to be in control of my emotions. When people talk about their petty problems, it frustrates me. I don't care about those problems. They are not worth being bothered over. Here I am trying to be as happy as I can possibly fake it and you're tearing me down with your negativity. I don't need that in my life. I'm trying not to go back to that dark place of crying uncontrollably. I'm not trying to go back. Having OCD doesn't help either. My compulsive anxiety isn't something I can handle when I'm in a funky mood.

Yea, she has low self-esteem. We all do. She can see someone she likes and pursue them. Her standards are relatively high. Me? I see someone I like and I don't pursue them. My standards are average. And I know when someone is too good for me; that they deserve better. What a world we live in where there's doublethink. To stress how everyone is created equal, yet some people are better than me while others are not. Why must it be this way?

How long will this last? I don't know. But the problem remains.

Love is a Dead Sea

My sea of plenty o' fish have become the Dead Sea this past month. Slowly, these guys I've been talking to are slipping from my grip..

The guy with the girlfriend.. Sometimes I miss him because he was someone to hang with. He wasn't bad looking either. But then I think about the dead conversations we have.. and I come back to reality.

I met a new guy back in early September. He was a nurse, which was the main reason I agreed to meet with him. Nurse means the guy is nice, right? He was ok. He offered to pay for dinner, but he wasn't as proactive as I would have liked him to be at insisting on paying, which was actually a turn off. I always felt like going Dutch made me independent.. but subconciously, I feel like a guy should pay. And this is what I told one of my guy friends when he asked me about whether a guy should pay or not. He was a hella good kisser though.. But there was no potential. We texted a few weeks after that, but then it died. I think it's because I wasn't proactive with the texting. I just rather text other people. But I miss kissing him sometimes. But I refuse to text him. I don't want him to think I'm interested in him. So that's that.

Viet guy from Connecticut. I really liked talking to him. I even Facetimed with him twice! But he has a girlfriend now.. so we don't talk that much. I miss those nights when right before I went to bed, he would tell me a viet joke. He would say 99 (night night) and I would reply 100. At one point, I wanted to take the MetroNorth to visit him. And hopefully he would take me to the Yale museum in Connecticut. But it would be too weird. I don't think his girlfriend would appreciate that. I'm happy for him. Moving on.

The guy from Minnesota.. I miss talking to him a lot. We've only had 2 conversations, but he was awesome. We don't talk anymore. I guess it's fine. He'll be the guy that I make up stories about in my head of when we meet. Sometimes, I think about how when he finishes school and comes back to New York, we would meet and how it would be love at first sight.. I'm convinced I want to marry a pharmacist or an engineer.

There's another Viet guy. He's from NJ. He's pretty cool. Cute too. He's a physical therapist, studying for his GMATs so that he could go back school for his CPA. We've talked about museums. I'd like to go to a museum with a guy. Maybe he'll ask me to one.

Japan is still cool. We talk via regular message now so our texts aren't confined to just nighttime when I log on to Skout. He went to South Africa for 2 weeks. I miss talking to him. The day he left, I had a dream about him. It's so weird. He was just holding my hand and touching my face. I mean, yeah I miss him, but I don't think there's potential there. I have no clue what my dream is trying to tell me.

I don't really talk to Chicago that much anymore. Occasionally, I get a text from him asking why I don't text him anymore. When I do, I don't hear from him until hours later. What is that?! It makes me not want to text him. We lost that connection.

There's another new guy. He's Indonesian. He's quiet as hell when we text so I have no idea why he even talks to me. He asks me a million questions. And when I asked him about himself, they're one word answers. -_- I can't live like that! We were supposed to meet one weekend, but he didn't even tell me the details. When I texted him that Friday about which day we were meeting, he didn't reply until Sunday. No, dude. I'm not going to sit around and wait for when you're free. I ignored him until Monday. I pretended nothing happened. I think he did the same.

Miso Horney guy was the first guy I talked to. I actually asked him out one weekend because I had the lip jitters. I needed a fix.. Perhaps, I was just lonely and wanted male companionship. We were supposed to meet on Saturday for lunch. I texted him that day noon asking when we were going to meet. I didn't hear from him until 3:45 apologizing for oversleeping.. -_- Really? Is that even possible? I was so mad that I didn't text him until 8 that night. At least I didn't stand in Flushing waiting for him with my heavily made up face. I would have been mad if I had put make up on for no reason. But it's forgiven and I moved on. After being rejected from both guys when I wanted to meet them, I felt disheartened. I'm not making the first move anymore. This shit cray.

And after Annette told me this crazy story about some Canadian guy who tried catfishing guys on dating sites so as to lure them in and kill them, I was scared. Apparently, he was a horror story writing and wanted material for his stories. He was caught and his stories were found. That scared the shit out of me. I need to remember that there are crazy people out there.

Fishes in the Sea

Skout guy with the girlfriend texted me up a week after the first meeting to ask me if I was free for dinner. I told him I was busy hoping he'd get the hint. He texted the week after and because he started with the text "Hey friend", I thought he finally got the hint that I didn't really want a friends with benefits kind of relationship with him as I had previously told him. So I decided to meet him after work for dinner. We had Joe's Shanghai. He wanted sake. I was like fine. It's so weird because we barely talk when we meet. We have nothing in common and neither of us are engaging each other. The alcohol will loosen us up. After dinner, he wanted to go to a bar. We went to a bar for soju. Then another place for soju. This place was pretty ghetto. We had our own private booth, but we were sitting so far across from each other. There were curtains that can be drawn so we can get our "privacy". Eventually, he came over and sat next to me. I leaned back. He put his arm around me. "Really? This again?" He told me he was going back to Virginia mid-August to finalize the break up. Again, I told him that this means nothing to me. That making out was just for fun. Agreed. So we kissed. Sigh.. curse my uber desire to kiss. Then we went for karaoke. We had a huge room. He was singing a song and drunk me started licking his face.. his ears. I bit them too. Then we started making out. We both got handsy... Someone walks in and tells us we couldn't do that there.. So embarrassed and ashamed, I got off of him. That was the end of the night. He asked if I was free that weekend. I told him that it wasn't working out for me anymore and that we should go our separate ways. Sometimes I miss the kissing.. But ultimately, I would hate myself more... he had a girlfriend and there were no feelings. And each time we met, things escalated. We had nothing in common. It had to be done.

I told Andrew about it on my ride to work the next day. He was astonished. I jokingly told him that it was his fault. That I missed him so much that I needed an outlet for it. He thought I was being serious. I called him when I got in to work and we talked about it because he wanted to know the details. He told me he was a little jealous. He told me that even though we had feelings for each other, due to the distance, that we would never work. He also added that I was his favorite person to talk to on the phone because it was so easy. This made me like him more that day.

But my feelings for him comes and goes. Because we're in a fake relationship, I don't let it ruin my fun with other guys and I'm sure it's the same for him. We don't talk as much as we used to and I'm talking to some really cool guys right now so I'm happy. But now that I'm starting to like talking to these other guys, I feel weird calling Andrew pet names..

"The Others":

Japan is cool beans. He's funny and he calls me China. We talk about nonsense like Streetfighters II and weird videos/news. He still wanted to talk to me even though I told him I might never meet him. That's always an ok in my book.

Andy the Viet is cool too. I was looking at profiles and I came upon his one night. When I was trying to scroll down, I accidentally winked at him. So he said hi to me. I told him it was a mistake because I don't wink at people, but that it must be fate. He's pretty fun to talk to. I talk to him everyday. On weekdays, I ask him what's for lunch. At night, he would tell me a funny joke before I sleep which is awesome.

Canadian Ken. He's cool too. He's funny, but I don't like when he compliments me. It feels a little weird. He's really nice. He tells me fun jokes too. I haven't spoken to him in a week. He's moving to Australia for law school. So awesome that he's worldly.

Last but not least, Jason. I only recently started talking to him, but currently, I like talking to him the most. He messaged me with a joke and I decided to write back because he lived in Minnesota, 1000+ miles away. Turns out, he's there for his Pharm D degree and he's actually a New Yorker. He's really funny and easy to talk to. His pervertedness doesn't even make me cringe as do some other guys. He was a psychology major, so he knows how to manipulate. So far it's working. He has one more year of schooling to go. I doubt this will work out, but I think he'll be fun to play with.

This world is such a big place. I'm just trying to connect with people far and wide. This is me putting myself out there right? Right??

I think all of them have told me to have more confidence in myself. As of currently, I am feeling more beautiful about myself..

 "I'm not beautiful like you. I'm beautiful like me"

The Virgin Hooker

I met my first guy on Skout. The only reason I chose to meet up with him only days of meeting him is because he had a girlfriend and I thought we could be friends. He just moved from Virginia to do residency here in New York and I thought we could both use more friends. So I met him.

We went to Koreatown for lunch. It was awkward. Half the time we weren't talking and I was just looking around awkwardly. During lunch, he was planning what we were doing next. I guess that's a good sign that he liked me. He suggested we go get a beer. Because there was nothing else to do and I know I'd be more relaxed when I drink, I went along with it. We went for a beer and then we went back to K-town to get Soju. We went to this place and then we went to another. Throughout the afternoon, I had a tall glass of beer and shared two bottles of Soju. I was pretty tipsy at that moment. After that, when we were walking to the train station, he held my hand. I was like whatever. He suggested that we go back to Brooklyn to the park by his house. I didn't want to go but he convinced me that it wasn't far and that it was still early. I went with it. #yolo, right?

When we got off the train, he said we should go back to his apartment for some "coffee". Yeah, ok man. I'm drunk, but I'm not stupid. I told him I didn't drink coffee and that I wouldn't go inside. No dude, not even for a minute. So he went in and I sat outside and waited for him. He went in and came out after a long 5 minutes. Then we walked to the park. We sat in the middle of the grass which was really nice. We sat together and then he put his arm around my waist.

O: Can I kiss you?
L: You know you have a girlfriend, right?
O: *takes arm off me* I know..
L: Yeah, it's not a good idea.
O: But we're in the process of breaking up.
L: Yeah, but this is still cheating.
O: *puts arm on me again* I know.. Can I kiss you?
L: I just haven't kissed in a really long time. If we kissed, it would mean nothing to me.
O: What do you mean?
L: I don't know how I feel about you, so this means nothing to me.

He pulls me closer and I turned to him. Then we kissed. He wasn't the best kisser. I did most of the work. So we kissed for about 5 minutes. Then we headed out. I told him I should be going home because it was Sunday and I had work the next day. He walked me to the train station. When we were waiting to cross the street, he stood close to me and I kissed him again.

When we were outside the train station, he tried dragging me back to his place again. I told him that I was a virgin and that I'm not that kind of girl. I told him that I had a really nice time after he said it was well. I don't know how much truth that statement contained because I felt pretty crappy about what I did. I told him he was pretty slutty because he tried several times to get me to go in his house. Yeah, "coffee", ok man. If I'm not safe with a guy with a girlfriend, I'm not safe with anyone. Are all guys douchebags? Maybe I should forever stay in a long distance relationship and be completely oblivious to what he is doing so that I could live inside a fairy tale bubble.

I checked my phone and I got texts from Annette and Jenny. They were worried sick about me because they thought something bad happened to me. It was really my fault. I didn't check my phone the whole time I was with him. I know better now.

I was pretty disappointed in myself. Of what I did with someone else's boyfriend, regardless of whether they were about to break up or not. Never in a million years I would have thought I'd do that. Yes, the alcohol made me have loose inhibitions. But it was my choice. My regret.

That night, I talked to Andrew about it. That was a good talk for the both of us. He liked talking to drunk me because I'm more flirty with him. haha. He's so silly. I love talking to him even when half the time, we only hear the other breathing. haha. He told me that in a few months, we would be married and then divorced. He said not to worry because we're going to get back together again. haha. I don't know what I'm doing with him, but right now, I'm pretty happy. I can go out and have fun with guys if I wanted, and then come home and be able to have that mental connection of a fake boyfriend like him. It's kind of like having multiple lovers. haha. It's terrible, I know. But our relationship is just a game. I've never liked talking on the phone, but talking to him just feels so right.

Annette said what I'm doing with him is wrong because I'm going to get attached and disregard the guys around me. She threatened to text him saying that I hate him and to never talk to me again. I told her if she did that, I would be really upset at her. I like the fact that he thinks about me before he sleeps and when he wakes up. I like that. Even if it's fake, he still thinks about me from 740 miles away.

I'm getting attached, yes. I wonder what will happen once one of us finds someone else. Obviously, we have to stop. But how would I feel about it? I don't know if I want to let him go? I guess we could still be close pen pals. We just have to replace 'baby' and 'honey' with 'dude' and 'yo'.