Dilemma

So there's this guy I like.. I haven't liked a guy in a while. I think it's been two years since I last crushed on a guy that much.. sigh..

Franky.

He was the guy who replaced me at Corporate Headquarters. I met him 3 times when I went to have lunch there with Annette. When I first saw him, I thought he was pretty cute, but I didn't think much about it. He seemed shy so I didn't think I would be able to connect with him. I mean, how do you connect with another person who doesn't talk. Two shy people will go no where. So I was like whatever..

The second time I had lunch with Annette, he actually came to lunch with us so I got to meet him.. It sucked that I had a major stomach ache and kept getting up to poop.. And they had to say something about it.. I was embarrassed because he was there.. But like everyone, Annette likes to be open and talk about each of our pooping habits.. and it made me feel less embarrassed.. But then, Annette was like "Li Ling, meet your future husband, Franky" and I was so embarrassed.. I glared at her. lol. I felt so awkward. After lunch, I still had a stomach ache after lunch, so I stayed at Corporate to make sure I didn't have to go again.. I stayed up front with Franky until my stomach settled and we got to talking. He wanted to go to grad school at Baruch so most of the stuff we were talking about was that. He was really easy to talk to. I left after an hour and went to my grandma's house. I found him on Facebook and showed him to Michelle and she was like "omg, he is soo hot. I would bang him!" In my head, I was like really? I think he's only ok.. But she made me like him more because she thought that way.

The last time I saw him was two days ago. I went to have lunch with Annette again. While Franky was waiting for the food, me and Annette was talking in the back of the office. She asked me if I thought he was cute and I was like, I guess.. >_< Then she told me he likes me; that she could tell. And I'm like -_- no way. She's such a liar! He has a girlfriend whom he loves. That's what he wrote on his Facebook. That's some dedication and something I don't want to touch.. After lunch was over, I stayed to talk to Franky again for about an hour. I don't know whether he liked my company or not.. but I feel like I'm overstaying my welcome.. lol. I think that we bonded. We would be good friends. But I don't think there's much that would ever make us have time to hang out. Except that he also bought a membership to Bodhi fitness! Not that I want him to see me sweaty and nasty at the gym, but I don't mind seeing him there sometimes. I don't know when he goes so I'm going to let Fate make our chance meetings.

Yesterday, I went to hang with Annette again at work because she said she's going to bring her dog and I was excited to see her. Franky said he might come. He didn't. Annette asked me if I liked him. I said no, but I couldn't keep a straight face.. I tried, but Annette was making me embarrassed and red.

I don't know what made me like him more now.. I mean, he has a girlfriend who seems really nice based on pictures. I guess because he has a great personality. And he is like the perfect size... I don't know. A part of me wants him to be single.. so that I could like him without guilt. But another part of me wants him to stay taken because if he wasn't, Annette would make him date me.. I don't want anyone to feel forced to date me. I want it to be easy flowing. Sad face. I don't think I'm pretty enough to get a guy like that.. I need to work on myself first. I need to love how I look first before expecting someone else to like it. I like that I can get giddie over a guy. I think it's good to let someone make you feel giddie. I'll get over him. He's just someone to help me feel like a little girl again.

I had a dream last night about a cute guy.. It was a beautiful dream. He took an interest in me and he was pursuing me. He was holding my hand and being all cutesy. I guess, if you like a guy, then the cuteness makes you fall for them badly. If you weren't interested, that's when it just seems gay and disgusting. I loved that dream. I wish it was real life..

Anyways, below is a poem I wrote about liking someone that I cannot have. The title is perfect. It was because of Annette and my cousin's comments that created my feelings. It was their fluffing that made me like him.

Letters of Recommendation [poem]

I never knew this existed,

Until she made me want it so,

Overwhelming me with what I once resisted,

Something I felt a long time ago.

I turned a blind eye to it,

But I guess it did not succeed.

I wonder if it has already found its fit,

Leaving mine alone to bleed.

If I did not want this,

Can I stop myself from feeling glum?

Since I know it is wrong to try for his,

Should I just wait for another to come?

How can I prevent the thoughts that linger,

When my heart is like a tyrant?

Slowly waiting to cause a stir,

When all I want is for it to silent?

Subconsciously breaking me apart,

And mocking me in my sleep.

What to do with this rogue heart,

That is deaf to logic and in too deep.

His shines like stars in a rural sky,

But it beams for only one unshaken.

Let me just watch with a blind eye,

Of my desire for one that is already taken.

[11/29/11 update: it's one thing to have other people tell you who's right for you, but when your subconscious takes part in it as well, it's pretty hard to avoid.. Why do I keep seeing his name everywhere? And every time I see it, I just say "what the fuck?!" because it's so random. I don't even think about him that often. Why am I being pushed into this? He has a girlfriend. I wanna forsake him. Why make me want someone that I do not want? Even my innards are against me.]

I Complain, Therefore I Hate Myself

What was it about my childhood that made me such a cynical bitch, I wonder? Why am I so skeptical? Was it because that's how I was raised? To never trust anyone, but family? eureka.. My problem with people stems from when people aren't thankful enough for what they actually have and they complain OR they're just one of those people who will never be satisfied... Like one of those people who complain about not getting something, and when they do get it, they say they regret it.. I don't like when people complain about everything. I used to listen to people without feeling anything bad about what they say, but I'm grown and matured enough to catch a spoiled brat when I see one..

My best friend is a nice person, but she has her days.. When she calls me to complain about something small, it's like why do I even need to hear that? She shares everything with me.. even others' secrets and it's annoying because apparently, it's still a secret if she tells me.. Of course I'd keep the secret, but still. Who knows if she does that with my secrets? I don't like when people complain about everything. I don't want to hear negative things when I'm trying to bring Zen into my life. Sometimes, she asks if she's being a bitch for saying certain things. I would say yes. I mean, she asked me because she probably thinks she's being mean. I'm not going to make her feel better by saying that what she's saying isn't mean. She complained about having to take a bus and LIRR to the police station and asks if she should take a taxi. She asked if she was being a spoiled brat. I just ignored her question because she's going to be upset. I mean, what do you want me to say to that? That you're not a brat for wanting to take a cab to Long Island?? Really, especially when you're totally broke? Please, this is why you're broke. Always with the convenience and never thinking about your debt. *Deep breath* ZEN! When we're being dumb and talking about the light stuff, then I love being around her.. I don't mind if she talks about her ex either. But now I do.. She's bipolar when it comes to him. It's like she loves him one minute, and then she calls him as asshole who she's totally over with. And the cycle repeats. Just when I thought she meant it this time.. it's like ridiculous that she can't control herself. She knows the consequences of her actions, yet she still does it because she wants instant gratification even when she knows it'll hurt much more later. We both know it's illogical. And I found it funny that when we were watching a movie, she called this girl dumb for doing/saying things that were totally inappropriate. She was blind. My best friend is blind too.

Yeah, I know I'm being a real hypocrite for being a complainer right now. But these are my thoughts in my diary. I know not everyone is like me and keeps all my feelings inside until I can't take it anymore and explode one day. But this is my vent. I do it because I need to let the steam out.. Yes, I'm a bitch because I'm cynical. Skeptical. But it's balanced by the good in me. So ha! Let me be the bitch.