Dwindling Ball of Boy Yarn

What I noticed lately is that I'm becoming more and more.. dare I say.. irrationally mean? All this pent-up anger inside.. it's rearing its ugly head... and I don't know what to do.. :*( This is indeed an inside battle that I have yet to overcome.

Well, I made up with Jenny. I texted her exactly a month after the last time we spoke. Anyone who really knows me knows it's hard for me to apologize when I don't think I'm wrong. Annette told me to be the bigger person.. and it was hard.. because I didn't think I was wrong.. Bygones be bygones. I hope she doesn't bring it up. I don't like bringing up the past.

In other news... my list of guys are dwindling... Let's see..

"Chicago" is getting on my utmost nerves. He would text me randomly "what's up?" or "how are you?" And I would reply. Then he wouldn't respond until hours or days later. Do it once, it's fine. Do it often and it gets me annoyed. Why would you text me if you're busy? I'd rather you not text me at all than leave me hanging. He apologized. I asked what was he apologizing for? Hours later.. he said he was sorry for not texting more. He doesn't know what bothers me. I'm over it. Hyemi wanted to take a little trip and she suggested Chicago. It would be nice to go there and see the sights.. but the mere fact that he's there.. I don't want to go at all. I don't want to see him. I think it's the same reason I don't want to FaceTime with him. The fact that I thought he was this perfect guy in the beginning.. I'm just scared that bubble will pop. Subconsciously, that bubble was gone a while back.. but the confirmation scares me.

"Chicago #2 aka Lizard Man 87" is still fun to talk to but he's unpredictable. I would talk to him weeks at a time. The last time we spoke, he was telling me about his one night stand. Man, was that steamy.. He asked me how descriptive I wanted him to be and I told him 'as descriptive as my stories to him'.. I was never that descriptive. haha. It was kind of awkward.. a lotta awkward to hear. It made me less attracted to him.. His sexuality was a little alarming. I had this perfect image of him in my head. He was this cute, nerdy guy to me. That image was shattered and he's not as fun to me anymore.

"Connecticut" has a girlfriend now.. so our conversations are scarce. Actually, the last time we spoke was about a month ago. This is fine. I knew this day would come and it's exactly how I would want it to be. All these guys.. they are just fillers in my life until I find that special someone. I needed a male companion that I enjoyed talking with to keep me company during those lonely nights. I enjoy the fun conversations about nothingness while maintaining enough distance to satiate my growing phobia of commitment.. Back to Connecticut. He was fun to talk to because he was funny. And even though he's a fob, he got my jokes. Sometimes, I miss the early days where we would talk passed midnight and I would wake up cranky for work because I didn't get enough sleep. I miss those nights where he would tell me a Viet joke right before bed time. I missed seeing his dimples on videochat. But, honestly, I'm glad he's found someone. We wouldn't have worked out. I know we wouldn't... But one time, I was so tempted to buy that train ticket to go see him. He would have taken me to see the Yale art museum. I bet it wasn't all that anyway.

"Canada Ken" is long gone. Haven't heard from him is a million years. Hope he's alright and well. I wish him the best. He was nice.

"Canada Duc" is another random one. But he's got a lot on his plate. Constantly working overtime to make enough money for his future. Super admirable, but he needs to rest. I sort of have a soft side for him. He seems sad. I just want to give him a long hug. A long, long one.

"Minnesota" doesn't really exist anymore. I haven't heard from him in so long. A part of me wishes he'd come back to New York. A part of me wanted to be with him because he was so funny and a dufus. But most of me knew he's not the one. Why? Not sure. Aren't soulmates supposed to know the other when they see them? Besides, he's was a psych major. We knew how Chris ended... They know how to manipulate.. And I have the easiest mind to do so.. everyone is honest until proven otherwise, right?

"Guy With a GF" should now be single by now. he hasn't contacted me.. which is good. The guy who likes Hyemi is also an intern at the same hospital as him.. I'm too embarrassed to ask about him.. So weird..

"Nurse Guy" is out of the picture too. Sure, he was the last to text me, but was I supposed to make the next move? He was a good kisser.. but I'm not into him like that. It's not fair to initiate when I see no future with him. I don't want to give him the wrong idea.

"Japan" is the consistent one. He went to South Africa for two weeks and boy did I miss him. I'm not sure if he's my type. He's another one that I'm scared to meet because I'm scared to ruin this image I created of him in my head. And vice versa. What if I did like him and he doesn't like me? Rejection is what holds me back on a lot of things. He showed me a picture of him dressed like a menguin with all the penguins in South Africa... Jerkass me cropped his picture and used the image of the penguins without telling him to enter this Uniqlo contest to win a heattech shirt. And I won.. When I told Jenny that I won and that I used his picture for the contest, she said I should have told him. She was right.. it made me feel really bad about it, especially because I should have known better. The fact that it didn't even occur to me that it was stealing pains me. I told him about it after. I'm not sure if he was upset or not. He hid it well. I did tell him that I no longer wanted that 'stinking shirt' and that he could have it. Hopefully, it comes.. and I guess we're going to finally meet. We don't talk as much as we did before he left for South Africa.. perhaps another lady is in the picture? Which is fine.. That's what fillers are, right? I do like talking to Japan though. He showed me a short video and it had a clip of him smiling. He has a cute smile.. smiling with his eyes.

"Aussie" is a new guy. 20 year old .. I'm not exactly sure how he found me on kik because you can't randomly talk to people. You either find people by name or number. At first, I didn't believe him that he was some stranger. And also, I didn't believe in talking to him because he was so young. I thought, I don't want to talk to this guy. I have so many guys I'm talking to right now. And he's soo young. He's going to be too childish! Well... color me a child then because I really enjoy talking to him. And the 16 hour difference matches up perfectly with my schedule. I like talking to someone on my ride to work and at night time when I'm laying in bed. And he's funny. He even has the simian line on his right hand, just like me!

This is no longer about finding someone special. It's about connecting with people far and wide. And it's a pretty special thing. And hopefully, in this process, I don't get hurt..

So I'm trying to be less bitchy. I need to find peace within myself so that I don't let other people frustrate me. Young Me wouldn't like the Present Me. I've always said that I'm not like most girls and that I don't get mad over petty things. Is me getting mad at Chicago being petty? I don't know, but at this point, I don't really care.

Remember.. breathe.. one...two..three.