Hiding From Love

So I finally got a new itouch after having my second generation one for about 3 years. I mean, can you blame me when my old one can't even update anymore? And I really want the camera.. I bought it on Black Friday when it was about $20 cheaper. I was positive I'd get it, but what to put as the engraving was the problem. I needed something that defined me as a person. I wanted something that I wouldn't get sick of looking at. I needed inspirational words and what's more inspirational than Plato? Here were a couple of lines I was considering but they were either too long or too short.

1. What's that smell? The answer my friend is blowing in the wind.
2. Fortune favors the bold.
3. Skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair as black as ebony.

Now I'm just waiting for it. Oh, I just love my quote. I thought about how romantic it'd be if a guy gave me an engraving like that and then wrote a poem to me..

It's almost the end of the year and I still haven't accomplished everything I wanted to by the end of this year. This was supposed to be my year. The Year of the Rabbit. I was supposed to lose weight, have a boyfriend, and a stable job. But I have neither.. But at least I got my Masters. That's a pretty big accomplishment that I should be proud of. And I am.

If some divine Destiny writer is saving someone great for me, I sure hope that I don't have to wait much longer for him. And if he was indeed already in my life, then bygone it, I wish I get a clearer sign. We all know how clueless I get with these things.

This leads me to the topic worth discussing. It came across to me when I was listening to Elliot Yamin's "Fight For Love".

"I see that some people fight for love
they stick with it
just can't quit it
some people hide from love
they run from it
cause they don't want it"

This got me thinking. I'm shy. There's no doubt about it. People see it because when they talk to me, I get like a little girl hiding behind mommy's dress. The question is, do I use my shyness to hide from love? There's no doubt that I want love. Badly. There's nothing in this world I want more than the love of a man who sees me as their other half, and he is mine. But the very thought of a guy flirting with me is so awkward that I shake it off as a joke. When a guy cares about me, I get scared. I'm scared of not being a good girlfriend. What if I ruin things? What then?

Some guys scare me. Those, I can't be myself around. They have a tendency to make me nervous. Is that love? Maybe. But I want a comfortable love. I want to be able to be my goofy self. To marry prince charming is not something I want. I was raised a certain way and I get a kick out of being sarcastic. Prince charming would only inhibit this side of me. I just want a good person with a good head on his shoulder. I could write a list of all the qualities I want in a guy, but most things on that list is negotiable. It's the attraction that really hits me hard.

Am I self-sabotaging by being myself?

Fighting to Feel Positively Thankful

I'm thankful for everything positive. Nothing will bring me down faster than negativity. As contagious as laughter is, a person's unhappiness is like a virus that spreads to whomever they came into contact with. It's true that life is truly really short. Why spend all this time worrying about the future and the things that make us sad?

My best friend once told me that I was awesome for always looking at the brighter side of things. And I loved that she noticed. I'd be grateful if this attitude could rub off on her. Everyone has self esteem issues. I am no exception. If anything, I'm so self-conscious that I keep my feelings hidden so far inside that people can't get to know me wholeheartedly. I know I'm self-conscious because of body issues. I keep myself closed from the world because of the way I was raised. I wished my parents showed me more affection growing up. Then I wouldn't feel awkward hugging people and telling people that I love them.

Being positive is hard sometimes when you live in hostile environments. This is not to say that I live in some hood gangster town. I'm talking about family. People are surprised that I don't really talk to my brother. I told this guy once that my brother and I don't really speak to each other even if we live together. We normally try to keep out of the others' business. When he's in the living room watching TV, I'm usually in my room on my Macbook. When I go out to the living room to eat, he'll let me watch the TV and he'll go back to his room. That's our relationship. It's not a bad one. It's just quiet. We're communicating somewhat more now, but still quiet.

Same with my parents. We don't sit around and talk about our feelings. My dad works all day. He comes home around 11 and would sometimes come to my room and we would bump fists. If he had something to share, he'd bring it up. I like these little conversations because unlike my brother and mom, I don't really judge. He's the type that likes to send money to his hometown and make their quality of life a little bit better. It's not like we're rich, but we're better off than people in his hometown. There's nothing wrong with helping even if that means we have to keep our super old refrigerator for another year.

I'd normally tell my mom about my day if it's juicy enough. She's weird about her space. Two days ago, I was baking cookies and I was finishing up my last 2 batches when she came home. She saw me in the kitchen and made a nasty comment about how I was going to be in her way when she cooks dinner. I snapped at her. I told her that it wasn't that serious. All she had to say was that she needs the counter top and I'd move my stuff somewhere else. It made me feel like I was in her way so I try to stay out of her way most of the time. She stepped on my feet yesterday and she didn't even apologize for it. It wasn't her first time doing it either. My room was basically my sanctuary. She also kicks me out of the living room when she wants to watch TV or sit in a certain sofa seat. She knows that she can pick on me so she does. Sometimes I'd say nothing and walk away. Sometimes I yell back. When I stay quiet, she says that it's unhealthy to hold things in. When I yell, she calls me a bitch. She has a bipolarness about her. Sometimes, I just want to leave this house. I don't feel loved half the time. It's heartbreaking being here when I have to live in such an environment where I'm not respected most of the time by her. What can I do when all I want to be is positive and people just bring me down with their attitudes? I cope. I cry. I take care of my own feelings. I try to look at the positive. I try to make sure that I find some happiness from all of this because there are people in sadder situations.

Everyone has things that will bring them down. No one is an exception to this regardless of how perfect they seem from the outside looking in. We are all human. We all need some repairing. That's probably why I want someone to love and to be loved back. I want someone to by a healing soul.

I am thankful for the positive things in my life. I want to smile with my lips, my eyes, and my heart.

I know people can't be positive all the time. I'm thankful for the times people do stay positive. I respect people for trying to stay positive through the sadness people face.

If I Hit Stuff, I'd Hit That

"Did You Just Fart? Because You Just Blew Me Away"
Nothing excites my heart more than to hear corny flirtatious jokes shared in good taste. My cousin, Fannie, was telling me a bunch of them and it made me laugh uncontrollably. I told her that she had to stop or else she'll turn me into an incestuous lesbian. lol.

Are you Vietnamese? Because I'm falling PHO you!
This one got my head thrown back and hyuking for a couple of Mississippis as I was ladling soup for myself at our early Thanksgiving feast at my grandparents' house. This is what life should be about. Family and sharing fun times.

I realized that pick up lines only work for certain people. If you're fairly good looking, then these corny lines make you seem charming and personable. If it was some guy that repulses you, then it's not so charming. I guess that's why I refuse to flirt. They might look at me like I'm some sort of creeper. Handsome people get away with a lot of things. They make friends easily and get all the attention. I guess I wasn't meant to be a pretty girl. And that's fine, I guess. I hate attention, anyways. I don't like people eying me down and analyzing me. I want to live in somewhat obscurity. I want guys to observe my personality rather than make me share my beef. You can't tell much about me just by talking to me because I can be shy and indifferent. If you studied me, I think I'd be likable on most days. With my OCD, I'm sure you'd occasionally see me knocking on wood and walls. Maybe even see me stepping on my favorite pavement cracks.

All I need is one or two great loves in my life. I don't need a bunch of guys to pay attention to me. All I need is one great one at a time. There are over 3 billion guys out there. I refuse to believe that there is not one person out there for me. I refuse to believe that when a great love is over, that there isn't a greater one out there waiting.

But if I were to hide myself in a cave somewhere, would I still be able to have love come looking for me? I've lived life pretty mundanely. What have I done for a guy to go to all that trouble to come find me? Maybe they're like me. They know there is a great love out there for them. If I knew of my great love, I'd go searching for him too. Simply put: it's all about love, baby.

Boys Will Be Boys

I occasionally Google Eliud, this guy that was obsessed with me on OkCupid! and found out that he started a blog. When I read what he wrote, at first, I thought he was talking about me. (Conceited, I know but could you blame me? He seemed to have been really taken by me on that site.) When I read further, I found out that it was actually about a girl that he knew a while back and had gotten reacquainted with.

I am a lucky man to have such a great person back in my life, Lovely bird (that’s what I’ll call her)

At first, I thought, 'wow, he sure falls in love easily!' I was a bit jealous that I was that easy to get over. But did I really give him the time to let his feelings for me grow? I tried to get out of his life as fast as I could. I didn't want to leave any trails behind for him to sniff me out. All he knew was that my name is simply Li and how I look like. Not in a million years would he ever find out who I am. Never in a million years will we ever cross paths. I, on the other hand, knew his whole name, which eventually lead me to find that he has multiple dating accounts, MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, and a blog. Though most of them are private, it steal feels intimidating that he's putting himself out there with his real name. At least I have the caution to make an Alias. Yes, it's nice to open yourself up to the world, but that just makes you the more vulnerable to getting hurt. The main reason I do not want anyone I know reading my inner most thoughts that I put on this blog is because I don't want people to read it and judge me. I don't want them to think that I'm this vulnerable girl, desperate for love. I don't want some guy to feel bad for me and ask me out out of sympathy. I don't take charity especially when it comes to love. I don't need people to feel sorry for me. I'll find love, eventually. Everyone moves at their own pace. How am I any different?

When it comes to love, I always feel that when it dies for one person, that it's better to leave sooner than later. Sympathy should not be the driving force to sticking around because you know that you would leave eventually. The longer it's prolonged, the harder it will be for the other to cope. Eliud was complimenting me more than I could comfortably accept. I had to leave before I do to him what another has done to me. We are not puppets. I'd rather cut the strings and run away than to keep him in my room collecting dust. Many people would keep him so that they have a safe second to go back to when their first choice doesn't work out. This is a selfish deed. No one wants to be another's second choice. Why keep him and force him to be on the back burner when he would go out into the world and look for their number one? Why did I Google him? I guess I wanted to see if he would write about me. I've never had someone write about me. It's nice to be thought of. I think about people all the time. Why can't someone return a favor and think about me for a change?

So anyway. I found a temporary job at Chapin helping them pull out and copy files for an audit. There, I met a pretty 20 year old aka Am. She's really nice, but like Jenny, she complains a lot. When I'm with her, I guess I'm not the cute, quirky one that the guys seem to have an eye for anymore. It reminds me of that time when there was this old man who moved to an apartment near my grandma, and everyday he would go to the corner store and sit there and just people watch. Whenever he sees me, he's call out to me, blow a kiss at me, and calls me beautiful. It really crept me out, but he was an old man with a limp. He couldn't do anything to me. So one day, I was dreading passing him, so I prepared myself. I waved hello to him just for him to ignore me for a "prettier" girl. I looked at her. She was none other than Zoora, a girl I knew from elementary school. She was such a mean, unpopular girl. She was known for having lice on her head so no one really liked her. She also flips the bird at people for no reason. [I remember one time in summer school, my teacher said I had lice. I remember that day too. She pointed at my head 2 feet away claiming I had lie, so I wondered how she could possibly see it from that far. She separated me from all the other students. I was so lonely for a couple of weeks. My family didn't see anything when they checked my head. My mom brought me to the doctor and he didn't find anything either. All that commotion for nothing. That stupid teacher probably saw a dandruff. She ought to be condemned for something that isn't true! I hope she farts somewhere public and have people pointing at her. A nice, big smelly fart.] So I was shocked that he was blowing kisses and calling someone who was mean and formerly liced 'beautiful'.

There was this guy that would always say hi to me in such a pleasant way that I thought he was somewhat crushing on me. One day, Am told me that when he first saw her, he told her that she was so beautiful that she's 'like God-sent'. I was like 'what? He never said that to me! I'm jealous.' And I was. What a compliment! I've been called beautiful by perverts, but never a God-sent. Yeesh. I was like "Am, why do you have to be so beautiful?" She told me never to say that to her again. haha.

There was this other guy, Miguel. He works in accounting. The first time I ever saw him, I was awestrucked at how pretty he was. I didn't like him that way though. He's too pretty to be my type. He hits on her too. He doesn't do it in front of me though. He definitely has game, but too bad that Am and I talk about these things. He's 10 years older than her and he has a girlfriend. I would never want my boyfriend to be talking to girls the way he talks to us. Just the other day, Am and I were off because they had a board meeting, and we were kicked out of our work area for the day. I took the chance to have lunch with Kathy. That day, I was so lazy to go to the gym, that I just slept in and used the treadmill in my basement. I took a shower and headed over there. When I got there, Kathy's office was closed so I waited outside. Miguel walks in and sits in front of me. He wanted to talk to Kathy too. So he looked at me. This is how it went:

M: Look at your in jeans with your wet hair. Trying to be all sexy.
L: What? I just came from the gym, so I took a shower.
M: You have cute shoes on. It's girly. You're not very girly, are you?
L: I've worn these shoes everyday that I've worked upstairs..so
M: Your pants are ripped.
L: That's because it's the cool thing right now.
M: I don't like your shirt. It doesn't show enough cleavage.
L: Well, you can imagine.. never mind. I don't know what to say to that.
M: No, you have to show it to guys. We don't have an imagination.
L: Stupid Miguel. This conversation is over!

He said some even more inappropriate things to Am, but that's for her blog if she had one. It's true that you don't know a person until you really know them.

What I know is that those aren't the guys I want. I want him to be humble. If he was cocky, I want it to be only the shell. I want him to be truly humble on the inside. I don't know who I want right now. I want Franky, but he's taken. When it comes to boys, when I really like a guy, the subconscious kicks in and sends me subliminal messages. I thought, there's no way I'll see his name around. It's such an uncommon name in NY. Well, there's a street called Franky Ave when I take the Q65 to the gym. There's a show called Franky when I search through onDemand for my shows. That stupid cartoon with the frog. My first expression was 'what the hell?!' I don't like him that much. And I hope it remains that way. I think my crush on him was overhyped by Annette and Michelle. I didn't like him any way when I first met him. He's a decent guy and seems like he has a good heart. That's it. He'd be a good boyfriend, but he and his girl friend seems great together. I must remember that saying: be careful who you fall in love with because someone somewhere won't approve. I don't want to love the wrong person. There's no doubt I will like many guys throughout my lifetime. But to love one person is what I plan on doing.