Look, But Don't Touch

There's one thing wrong with being painfully shy around guys: looking like you're very disinterested or looking like you are interested when you're not. You can like things about guys that make you act shy around them, or you're just not interested and they think you like them. It's stupid. Either boys are stupid, or girls are just way too confusing.

Let's start with the shy girl who is way too scared to seem interested in the guy because the handsomeness of the guy makes her heart pump way too hard. The one thing I realize is that when I see a handsome guy, I am too afraid to look at him especially if I'm by myself. So what do I do? I look straight through them, like they don't even exist. I could be really interested, but I wouldn't behave that way even though I feel that way. It's not that I don't think I'm not good enough to be with an extremely handsome man, I just feel like I'm not physically pretty enough to be in the same level to be accepted by other people. I can see the problems we would have. I would get jealous at how friendly he would be with the hot bartenders and waitresses. And if he has the personality to match, I'd wonder what I did to deserve him? What I did to stand out to catch his eye? Doubts. These doubts would ruin me. Ruin us.. Maybe I do feel like he would be too good for me. I don't know. I know I have things to offer. But... whatever.

And what about those ugly guys that think they are the "foshizzle". People say that people are most attractive to those with confidence; that if they portray themselves as hot, then others will as well. I must say it's sort of works depending on the level of ugly. If you're hideous and you walk around with swag, that's just pathetic in my opinion. That's why my confidence is low. I don't think I'm pretty enough to pull it off. I'm fat and who will like me? I'm too shy to have that many friends that if I were to ask them all out, there would be a good enough chance at least one will say yes. But I have no more than those that I can count with my two hands. I think most of my friends are the type that contain a low profile. Work, school, home. That's basically their life in a jar. I don't like to go out at night. I don't like creepers. I don't have what they're after. I don't like being disrespected... However, I do like to play. As boring as my life is, I do have a vivid imagination.

I've always had this deep desire to live a double life. I want to work and go to grad school on week days, and by week's end, I would put on a wig and go have a wild time. Drink some booze and forget my worries. Yes, that would be a nice way to efficiently live a fulfilling life. But alas, all I do on weekends is study, tv, and go to my grandma's house. That's what I did for the past decade. Nothing has changed. Still single, and not loving it. I'm boring enough to be okay in a relationship, and not feel like I'm trapped. People say that dating is bad; boys are bad. I don't care. I want to experience it for myself. I want to feel the heartache. I want to feel the pain and joy, the roller coaster ride; everything. I know that there are level-headed people who trusted their heart to the wrong person, who just seemed so right at that moment. There's no surpassing these types to get to the better ones out there. You need to experience the jerks to know what you really want in life. And what I want is to meet guys. I'm 23. If I want to get married by the age of 28, I need to get moving. Time is ticking away regardless of how unproductive I am in my life.

Time is a moving. Better start cracking.

Here's One For the Dogs.

"The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have
Is yours"
-Leo Marks
How I love this stanza from Leo Marks? It wasn't until Chelsea Clinton got married that I found this lovely poem since it was the "official" wedding poem. And how these words ring true. Marriage is about finding the right person, and being able to be vulnerable with him. We only have one life to live, and before we hit the big 3-0, we're most likely giving it to who I'd like to call "my better half". We get one life; we choose one person. And we must choose oh so wisely because weddings are expensive, and presents don't really cover the cost of everything. Materially, the bride and groom lose. Emotionally, they are at the bargain end of the deal if they found their better halves. Sometimes I feel like people do not get the bigger picture, and that's when they marry wrong. Being crazy about that person doesn't make the relationship work because what happens when it all fizzles? Where do you go from there? When a relationship develops, and the guy knows you are his forever, will he feel the need to impress you or be chivalrous? No. And we can't be mad at them for being this way because we are the same way. Once you're his, there's no need for chase. There's no need for impressing. The hunt is over.
I find it really hard to find the right guy. Any guy for that matter. I'm 23 and single. All my life. No action, no nothing. I'm too shy, and let's face it, I can be a bit intimidating because I rarely smile in public. My emo make up doesn't help make things any better. And when I am attracted to a guy I see, I get too nervous to look at him, and so I look through him. I literally look his way, but right passed him. That's a very conceited thing to do, but I can't help it. Guys scare the hell out of me. And my friends don't paint a better picture for me about them either. If anything, they make me wear a pair of non-rose colored glasses. They call them jerks and douches. And it sometimes surprises me to meet a guy and think he's someone decent, then to find out he has multiple girlfriends. I've come to believe that all guys are the same. That they have no feelings. That they don't care about girls. They just want us for our goods and they leave when it runs out. Or if she becomes crazy, of course.
I'm not quite sure what type of girlfriend I'll be. In my head, I seem like a nonchalant type, but I have my obsessive episodes. I remember finding a crush who moved away's address through the phonebook, and one time I obsessively Facebooked stalked this guy for 2 weeks during Freshman year of college. I took his 'you can come and talk to me about anything' phrase on Facebook too seriously, and I talked on his wall. When he didn't respond, I went all apes on him asking why he wasn't responding to me, and asked if he thought I was crazy. I later felt disgusted and embarrassed by my behavior that I stopped talking to him, and deleted him off Facebook. Never doing that again! I hated to think I was "that" crazy stalker girl that people talked about. yikes!
So my approach to relationships is that if it happens, then it happens. If he cheats, then it's better to find out now, before you are tied down. I don't think love should be so hard. It should just fit. If there are doubts, then there will be 'what ifs' haunting the relationship, and instigate when things are at its worst. Love should be bam bam, I'm in love. He looks at me, and I just can't stop looking back at him. I believe in this magic.
On a non-related note. I was walking home today, and I found this hot dog 3 houses away. He seemed lost because the door he was standing in front of was closed. He stared at me, and I stared at him. It was a good 5 seconds. I made some smooching noises, and he ran to me. He jumped on me like there was no tomorrow. At first, I was like eww, but a flashback of a few years ago where I found this dog wandering the streets in the rain, and how bad I felt not stopping to help it. I think I saw signs of a missing dog the next day for him. :( So I stopped. I saw a tag so I knew he wasn't a stray. I could hardly hold him long enough to read the number off his tag, when he ran away. I hesitated whether I should go home, or follow him... And I chose the latter. I followed him as he went into a neighbor's yard. I tried making the noise again to no avail. I bent over and he charged at me. Yes, long enough for me to dial the number! I told her I found her dog, and a guy came out of the house the dog was in. omg. Here I was trying to lure him away from that house, when that's where he lived. -_- Felt like a dork. The dog's name was Tips. But that jerk didn't even say thanks. He just called the dog and that's it. Whatever, man. I liked his dog, though. So energetic. I have lots of paw prints on my black pants. I didn't even care that he was all over me. And I have OCD! lol. I want a dog of my own. In the words of Britney Spears: my loneliness is killing me.