China Love

When I went to my dad's hometown in Taishan, China, it was a whole different world. Completely rural, and even the city looked suburban. Thank God that my aunt bought an apartment with a decent bathroom, but oh how I dreaded the public bathrooms.. My first time was at a McDonalds. I went in and the floor was wet.. yuck. The bathrooms are on the floor, like a sink. It's nasty. I squatted and I was wondering if I was doing it right. I turned my body and wondered perhaps I was doing it in the wrong direction. lol. But I was right the first time. But it was messy. I'll say no more..

The people there are starers. I didn't know whether I loved that or loathed it. You see, in a.m.e.r.i.c.a., staring is rude. But these people, on the other side of the world stare like there's no tomorrow; even when they see you staring, they won't stop staring. I would joke when my family and I were walking that people were staring at them instead, but clearly I was the focal point. I don't know what it was about me.. I wore regular clothes, I wasn't wearing makeup, and I think I blended in.. Well, except, of course, my pasty fair skin and that I'm fatter than the average Asian. I remember I was at the school where my cousin taught gym (rest in peace, my cousin, and all those who died in the tragic accident... *kiss, kiss, kiss*.) there was this one girl who stared at me as she got out of class. She just stared at me. I stared back, and I think she glared a little.. stupid bitch* (I meant, little kid).

One thing I realized in China was that when waiters wait on you saying, 'what do you want pretty girl?' that they are lying. They don't think you're pretty. I was at the restaurant and this dude said it to this chick. She was an ugly chick. They lied. Never take them seriously!

There was no good looking guys in China.. it was very disappointing. I think I had a crush on 3 guys in my five week stay there. One was the driver. He was pretty light skinned, and he's a pretty nice person. I guess that's why I crushed on him. But that's it. I heard his dad is arranging a marriage between him and this country girl. I can't imagine being forced to do that. I'm more rebellious when it comes to being forced to love someone. There was this other guy I met through one of my dad's best friends' friend. He was so worldly and he's an expert at something, and he's an entrepreneur!!! He travels a lot, which is pretty awesome. He's an expert at fishing, and I think he won prizes for it. And back then, he bought all these houses and collected on rent, and got his income on that.. That's pretty awesome! He smokes though, and his teeth is rotting. Oh, and he spoke a bit English too!! That's really impressive. So yeah. Moving on the guy that practically stole my heart. It was a beautiful day. I always wanted to catch fish at the pond where my dad owns, at the village where he was raised in. Yeah, my dad and his siblings are a pretty big deal, because they came to the US for a better life, and they would send money home to the village. Yeah. The whole village came to see me fish out the fishes! I thought it was a no biggie thing. I thought I would have fish food to lure them, and I catch them with a net. Oh no. So wrong. They had 8 people, 4 on each side of the pond holding a pond long net and dragged it across the pond to bring all the fishes to one side. Everyone was there. It was sooo weird and awkward. I didn't want to be the center of attention. But I realized that everyone wasn't there to look at me catch fish. They were there to get a fish to bring home to cook. That was when I saw this guy in the red t-shirt. Man was he cute.. I couldn't stop staring.. But he got his fish and left. Later that night, we dined out. We had fish soup and I saw him there. He was sooo cute.. eek! I wanted to take a picture of him, but I didn't. Oh wells. My dad's friend drove us home, and coincidentally, he gave a ride to Red Shirt.. The situation with him is that he is the son of someone my dad knew. His parents live in Boston right now.. which gave me hope that if he came to US, that we would meet again. And when he was answering my dad, he turned to the back of the car and I swear he was looking at me when he was talking. I was staring too. It was dark, but man, our beady eyes were checking the other out. But I realized something about him when I first saw him. He had a great smile, but his teeth was horrendous! Like ew, it was soo black. blah. I mean they look like they could get a good cleaning and wallah, it'll look decent! But no. Sigh. I struggled whether if we had relations, that my parents would approve. The good: He's from my dad's hometown and he's cute. The bad: He sells cellphones and his teeth is blah. Yeah. I don't know if it'll work though. He doesn't speak English. That means that he won't be able to understand my humor or jokes, which is a major biggie. I want to be able to make my hubby laugh, and clearly, I can't do it if he doesn't understand my American humor. He might think I'm a major bitch since I have some sarcastic humor and he's translating it wrong.

I saw him 3 more times. One was an awesome night.

We were having dinner and we had 2 tables. Since I came in the car with my dad, I sat with him. I didn't realize I was at the "guys table", which was what it was. I sat with all guys. My mom told me to sit with her, but my uncle wanted me to sit with him, I guess because he's shy like me, and wanted me around. So I sat there. And then he came. I heard he said his name was Moon. That was cute. So he was sitting across from me. The rice came, and he gave me the cutest eyebrow. Like a 'have some' wink. I didn't know what to do, except giggle like a girl with a crush. He did it a second time.. and I looked away. Then he just started staring.. like intensely. I look up, there he was staring.. I look again, there he was... I started panicking.. I couldn't look at him, or his direction for the rest of the night. I liked the panic. I felt a rush. It was pretty awesome. It was one of the best nights there.

I just remembered one of my dad's best friends who died in a very tragic car crash, that also took the lives of my cousin and my dad's other best friend. It was horrible. We all cried. I couldn't imagine how my dad felt. Will we be going back? Not sure. My dad's friends made the trip the best. They brought us places and they were so funny. I loved them. They made life beautiful and comedic. The world was at a loss when they died. They made me so comfortable, and it takes something special for me to be comfortable around them. Very special. Loved them dearly. Miss them a lot..

Does love die slowly with memory, or do they make us die?

I felt like it killed a part of my heart.

Olive Juice

You know what's tough? Saying 'I Love You'. I've never been one to throw that phrase around. It's a funny thing. I've known my best friend, Jenny since 2nd grade. That's over 14 years. I'm 23 now. I was 7. She's always saying I Love You, and the best I could say is 'Love ya'. I think it's a lesbianic phobia type thing. I don't like saying it, unless it's to a guy. I was never fond of saying it to family either. My family wasn't the emotional type. My family is mean and talks a lot of shit about everyone. And I hate that about them. Every time they get barbaric with their manners, I always think to myself, 'See, this is EXACTLY why I can't marry a prince. Because my family is like THAT!' There's no doubt that they're gonna talk about my future husband. They don't really talk smack about my dad, but that's because he doesn't smoke, drink, and he's a constant workaholic. I don't want my hubby to be a workaholic. I want to actually see my husband and chill with him. I want him to be witty, smart, and hella funny. No doubt they'll talk smack. I don't care. I know them too well. And they have a problem with EVERYONE. It's surprising my grandparents actually have friends, the way they talk about them. It's really rude, I'd have to say. So yeah, my family? Not the emotional type. I remember when I was like 16 and my dad was like, 'how come you never kiss me anymore?'. And I'm like, do you not know me? Do you not know how I was raised?! lol. So yeah. I guess what I'm trying to say is that saying those words are difficult for me. Especially when a guy is involved and the timing is uncertain...

If I follow a timeline, it would be like this:
Day 1: Date the guy.
Date 3: Kiss the guy.
Month 3? 6? Say I love you.
3 years later: Marry him.

I never know when I will transition from liking him, to being infatuated, to loving him. What's the difference between liking them deeply and loving them? I feel like I won't ever say 'I love you' until he utters those words first. I don't know if it's too soon or not. And if he says it first, will I feel obligated to say it back, or do what I always do when someone says something like that to me, and say 'thanks..'. Grr. It's really hard. I don't know if I love a person or not. I've had times where I've liked a guy so bad that it made me cry at night because he was leaving.. but I got over it. I realized he wasn't this perfect guy I thought he was, and realized that I didn't like his personality all that much when it comes to being the guy of my dreams. And then there was this other guy. Perfect. He was exactly like me in every way. He's Hoisan, which is the Chinese dialect that I speak. He has the same hand as me, where my right palm has only 2 major lines, instead of 3 and one of them is too long to be normal. That's when I basically fell for him. And his cheesy humor. I loved all those things. I liked him when I only saw him a few hours a week during my Asian Studies class. But when I took summer classes with him, I came to dislike him as a potential suitor. He was way too corny for me, and I think I hurt his feelings one time. I know I can be kind of mean about certain things I say, but it's supposed to be funny. Oh wells. Yeah, he was just like me. I've always thought that I would date myself because I'm so awesome, but I guess I'm kind of annoying as well. lol. In fact, here's a conversation I had with my younger cousin Michelle:

Me: If you met a guy version of yourself, would you date him?
Michelle: No, would you?
Me: I did. Sam. He's just like me, except he's more annoying. Am I annoying?
Michelle: Yes.
Me: Fine, he's EXACTLY like me, and I can't date him. So I can't date myself.

I hope I'll teach my children to love. Say it well and say it often. Sometimes, when my brother comes home really late, my mom would curse his name for being out all the time. She gets quite mad. The question is should you be mad, or mad worried? God forbid, something happened to him, and all you did was get pissed. That's something I don't want to feel. But maybe that's her way of expressing worry. I express mine by knocking on wood.

I think it's an OCD thing, but I worry a lot about every thing. When my mom gets home later than usual, or my brother, or my dad, I worry like hell. I get so scared. As an OCDian, I get these scary imaged in my head, which leads me to worry and knock on my wall to ease this stress. It's scary when you feel like something happened to a loved one. I hate that feeling. That constant worry until you finally know whether they're alright or not. It upsets me a great deal.

My mom isn't really the emotional type when it comes to showing it to her children. There were times where she tells my brother or me to eat shit, or even die. Like, who says that to her children? Especially when I've told her that I've been depressed. She goes and tells me to die. Well, not in the same night, but my depression should have been in the back of her head. The most recent time she said it to me was when we were in China last November. She told me to sit like 3 consecutive times and I said no, 3 consecutive times. And I guess I was louder than usual, and she was like 'Why are you yelling at me? I'm telling you to sit for your benefit. Go die.' As her daughter, I could not say it to her, even though my brother would have been bold enough to say it back. Sometimes, in my head, I would respond saying, 'Fine. But if I die, don't regret it!' and I make a stormy exit. I won't be surprised that I would eventually be mad enough to say that. Oh wells. What can be done? Nothing. She won't change.

I just want to be loved. I think I deserve it.

No Man On the Virgin Island

We often hear that no man is an island. Well, on this island,
I doubt anyone would even come near it. You would think there
were sirens surrounding my lonely island.

Shall I explain why?

I am 23 year old virgin living in New York. Carrie Bradshaw,
I am not. How's that life going? Not too well. Never kissed,
never dated, never nothing! Being a virgin can be tough
sometimes, especially at this age where no guy wants to
settle down. All they wanna do is play, play, play. That's
all they care about! How will I meet someone? Where? What
will they think when I suddenly blurt out that I'm a virgin?
I can just imagine how it's gonna go down...
Reminisce: the situation
You: Hey, do you want go to the museum with me, and then go
grab something to eat?
Me: Like on a date?
You: Yeah. I like you.
Me: Thanks, but you should know something before we go any
further. I don't want to waste your time or mine if this is
going to be an issue for you. The whole sex before marriage thing..
ain't gonna happen... soo..yeah.
You: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I like you, but not THAT much!
Me: Ok, laters.
You: Sayonara, prude.

I believe that guys take you out because they're investing
for a high return. I'm more of a long term investment. I'm
someone you can bring home to mom. Or be one of those people
who you can fake date to show your mom a nice girl, whilst
you date the chick you met on prison chat or something.

Abstinence is pretty dead right now. So for me to expect
to find a handsome, chivalrous guy that is completely and
utterly pure and untouched is pretty impossible. And if I
do find a person like that, more often than not, the guy
is abstaining because of religious reasons. I'm Buddhist.
A nonreligious one at that. If religion drove them to
practice celibacy, how will I convince them to marry
outside their religion? Very unlikely.

My reasons for abstinence are pretty simple. Whether
it's reasonable is another thing.
1. One obvious reason is to prevent pregnancy. I don't
want to get pregnant and have it ruin my future plans.
I want to go places and do stuff before I am tied down.
I want to lose weight and keep it off for a few years
before I ruin my body again! I don't believe in abortion
unless rape was involved. Yeah, condoms are 99.9 percent
effective and birth control makes it even safer to have
sex, but I ain't gonna risk it. My parents would probably
disown me if I were to get pregnant. My mom and grandmother
both had their first child at 23. But that was back when
marrying young was the thing to do. I want a career first,
be settled, and be in love and with The One. I don't want
to risk my future for something that was unplanned. I'm too
young for the responsibility.
2. The second is simple. If a guy is willing you wait years
for you to be ready to be intimate, then they really love
you. They're not driven by their ding dongs. They are
serious and committed to you. If they're willing to wait
that long, then they are more likely to not cheat on you
after being married. They show a faithful quality that I
want in a man.

Guys are always driven by sex. They think about it often.
Very often. Masturbation on a daily basis is actually normal
AND doctor recommended. How so? Well, if you don't ejaculate,
your old sperm will cause a build up of bacteria. Soooo those
who ejaculate often lessen their chances of getting colon
cancer. Speaking of colon cancer.. here's a fun joke:

"You can't get colon cancer with a semicolon!"
Lol. Loves it.

Of course guys my age think about sex. As much as I hate to
think every guy I meet has sex on his brain, it's pretty much
true. And to wonder whether my nerdy guy friends ever think
of me any certain way repulses me. Bleh.

How will I find love at this age? Guys play at this age.
They're not looking for anything serious. How do I convince
them that I'm a good enough catch to invest their futures
with? How do I make myself stand out when I'm naturally
a blender inner? How is a good guy to find me when I hide
myself so well?

My shy qualities are what do me in. They can be misinterpreted
for being disinterested. I'm just scared of getting rejected.
It's not easy falling in love. It's not easy to let people in.

I hope someone is out there waiting for me.

My shyness is what hides me from the world. It takes a man
to seek me out. If I'm lucky, he'll find me.

Highlight of the day: At work. (looking at pictures)
Me: Oh, who is that?
Boss: He's a volunteer. He's cute.
Me: He IS cute. You know who else is cute? Whopper Jr
(this guy names James who came to fix our computers.)
Boss: lol.
Me: Yeah, he has this cross-eyed thing going on. It's pretty
sexy.
Boss: lol.
Me: lol.
He WAS cute, though.