It's now been three weeks since Jenny and I have last spoken. This went down over something I said. I've always held my tongue when I talk to her because I knew she was sensitive. I remember telling her that she was sensitive one time and she got emotional over it.. Ok, you're not sensitive..
The text started out with her listing how much laundry, candy, food, and stickers cost. She does this so often that finally I asked her not to talk about money with me. She makes more than me, so imagine my frustration when she bitches about how little she makes. She once made a comment how her job was harder than mine. I held my tongue. I hold my tongue a lot when we talk.
The conversation eventually went into me telling her that I think she complains a lot about things I don't see are that big of a deal. She went into "whoa is me" mode and accused me of saying that I don't want to hear any of her worries and what not. I mean, it's an opinion. You asked. I answered. I even told her that it's my fault that I was raised with a cold heart.
18 years of friendship. I thought about apologizing to her. But there was nothing to apologize for. She asked me what it was. I told her. I didn't say it in an attacking way. At one point, I told her to forget what I said. She made a comment that we should always be honest.. Yea? Look where it got us. She doesn't want honesty. She wants me to stay quiet and listen to her rant about mostly money crap. Yea, sorry if I don't understand her first-world problems.
Thinking about this fight and how petty is was just made me mad. Do I let go of an 18 year friendship over some petty fight like this? If I have to.. then yes. Here's why:
I know what it's like to be depressed. I know that awful feeling of not knowing why you're sad. You just are. I worked hard to push those feelings down deep inside me so that I don't have to ever feel that nothingness again. So I surround myself with happy thoughts. I am my own best friend. I talk and rationalize with my subconsious so when I'm being stupid, I know it. When I'm being unreasonable, I know it. I don't like getting mad. I like to be in control of my emotions. When people talk about their petty problems, it frustrates me. I don't care about those problems. They are not worth being bothered over. Here I am trying to be as happy as I can possibly fake it and you're tearing me down with your negativity. I don't need that in my life. I'm trying not to go back to that dark place of crying uncontrollably. I'm not trying to go back. Having OCD doesn't help either. My compulsive anxiety isn't something I can handle when I'm in a funky mood.
Yea, she has low self-esteem. We all do. She can see someone she likes and pursue them. Her standards are relatively high. Me? I see someone I like and I don't pursue them. My standards are average. And I know when someone is too good for me; that they deserve better. What a world we live in where there's doublethink. To stress how everyone is created equal, yet some people are better than me while others are not. Why must it be this way?
How long will this last? I don't know. But the problem remains.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Love is a Dead Sea
My sea of plenty o' fish have become the Dead Sea this past month. Slowly, these guys I've been talking to are slipping from my grip..
The guy with the girlfriend.. Sometimes I miss him because he was someone to hang with. He wasn't bad looking either. But then I think about the dead conversations we have.. and I come back to reality.
I met a new guy back in early September. He was a nurse, which was the main reason I agreed to meet with him. Nurse means the guy is nice, right? He was ok. He offered to pay for dinner, but he wasn't as proactive as I would have liked him to be at insisting on paying, which was actually a turn off. I always felt like going Dutch made me independent.. but subconciously, I feel like a guy should pay. And this is what I told one of my guy friends when he asked me about whether a guy should pay or not. He was a hella good kisser though.. But there was no potential. We texted a few weeks after that, but then it died. I think it's because I wasn't proactive with the texting. I just rather text other people. But I miss kissing him sometimes. But I refuse to text him. I don't want him to think I'm interested in him. So that's that.
Viet guy from Connecticut. I really liked talking to him. I even Facetimed with him twice! But he has a girlfriend now.. so we don't talk that much. I miss those nights when right before I went to bed, he would tell me a viet joke. He would say 99 (night night) and I would reply 100. At one point, I wanted to take the MetroNorth to visit him. And hopefully he would take me to the Yale museum in Connecticut. But it would be too weird. I don't think his girlfriend would appreciate that. I'm happy for him. Moving on.
The guy from Minnesota.. I miss talking to him a lot. We've only had 2 conversations, but he was awesome. We don't talk anymore. I guess it's fine. He'll be the guy that I make up stories about in my head of when we meet. Sometimes, I think about how when he finishes school and comes back to New York, we would meet and how it would be love at first sight.. I'm convinced I want to marry a pharmacist or an engineer.
There's another Viet guy. He's from NJ. He's pretty cool. Cute too. He's a physical therapist, studying for his GMATs so that he could go back school for his CPA. We've talked about museums. I'd like to go to a museum with a guy. Maybe he'll ask me to one.
Japan is still cool. We talk via regular message now so our texts aren't confined to just nighttime when I log on to Skout. He went to South Africa for 2 weeks. I miss talking to him. The day he left, I had a dream about him. It's so weird. He was just holding my hand and touching my face. I mean, yeah I miss him, but I don't think there's potential there. I have no clue what my dream is trying to tell me.
I don't really talk to Chicago that much anymore. Occasionally, I get a text from him asking why I don't text him anymore. When I do, I don't hear from him until hours later. What is that?! It makes me not want to text him. We lost that connection.
There's another new guy. He's Indonesian. He's quiet as hell when we text so I have no idea why he even talks to me. He asks me a million questions. And when I asked him about himself, they're one word answers. -_- I can't live like that! We were supposed to meet one weekend, but he didn't even tell me the details. When I texted him that Friday about which day we were meeting, he didn't reply until Sunday. No, dude. I'm not going to sit around and wait for when you're free. I ignored him until Monday. I pretended nothing happened. I think he did the same.
Miso Horney guy was the first guy I talked to. I actually asked him out one weekend because I had the lip jitters. I needed a fix.. Perhaps, I was just lonely and wanted male companionship. We were supposed to meet on Saturday for lunch. I texted him that day noon asking when we were going to meet. I didn't hear from him until 3:45 apologizing for oversleeping.. -_- Really? Is that even possible? I was so mad that I didn't text him until 8 that night. At least I didn't stand in Flushing waiting for him with my heavily made up face. I would have been mad if I had put make up on for no reason. But it's forgiven and I moved on. After being rejected from both guys when I wanted to meet them, I felt disheartened. I'm not making the first move anymore. This shit cray.
And after Annette told me this crazy story about some Canadian guy who tried catfishing guys on dating sites so as to lure them in and kill them, I was scared. Apparently, he was a horror story writing and wanted material for his stories. He was caught and his stories were found. That scared the shit out of me. I need to remember that there are crazy people out there.
The guy with the girlfriend.. Sometimes I miss him because he was someone to hang with. He wasn't bad looking either. But then I think about the dead conversations we have.. and I come back to reality.
I met a new guy back in early September. He was a nurse, which was the main reason I agreed to meet with him. Nurse means the guy is nice, right? He was ok. He offered to pay for dinner, but he wasn't as proactive as I would have liked him to be at insisting on paying, which was actually a turn off. I always felt like going Dutch made me independent.. but subconciously, I feel like a guy should pay. And this is what I told one of my guy friends when he asked me about whether a guy should pay or not. He was a hella good kisser though.. But there was no potential. We texted a few weeks after that, but then it died. I think it's because I wasn't proactive with the texting. I just rather text other people. But I miss kissing him sometimes. But I refuse to text him. I don't want him to think I'm interested in him. So that's that.
Viet guy from Connecticut. I really liked talking to him. I even Facetimed with him twice! But he has a girlfriend now.. so we don't talk that much. I miss those nights when right before I went to bed, he would tell me a viet joke. He would say 99 (night night) and I would reply 100. At one point, I wanted to take the MetroNorth to visit him. And hopefully he would take me to the Yale museum in Connecticut. But it would be too weird. I don't think his girlfriend would appreciate that. I'm happy for him. Moving on.
The guy from Minnesota.. I miss talking to him a lot. We've only had 2 conversations, but he was awesome. We don't talk anymore. I guess it's fine. He'll be the guy that I make up stories about in my head of when we meet. Sometimes, I think about how when he finishes school and comes back to New York, we would meet and how it would be love at first sight.. I'm convinced I want to marry a pharmacist or an engineer.
There's another Viet guy. He's from NJ. He's pretty cool. Cute too. He's a physical therapist, studying for his GMATs so that he could go back school for his CPA. We've talked about museums. I'd like to go to a museum with a guy. Maybe he'll ask me to one.
Japan is still cool. We talk via regular message now so our texts aren't confined to just nighttime when I log on to Skout. He went to South Africa for 2 weeks. I miss talking to him. The day he left, I had a dream about him. It's so weird. He was just holding my hand and touching my face. I mean, yeah I miss him, but I don't think there's potential there. I have no clue what my dream is trying to tell me.
I don't really talk to Chicago that much anymore. Occasionally, I get a text from him asking why I don't text him anymore. When I do, I don't hear from him until hours later. What is that?! It makes me not want to text him. We lost that connection.
There's another new guy. He's Indonesian. He's quiet as hell when we text so I have no idea why he even talks to me. He asks me a million questions. And when I asked him about himself, they're one word answers. -_- I can't live like that! We were supposed to meet one weekend, but he didn't even tell me the details. When I texted him that Friday about which day we were meeting, he didn't reply until Sunday. No, dude. I'm not going to sit around and wait for when you're free. I ignored him until Monday. I pretended nothing happened. I think he did the same.
Miso Horney guy was the first guy I talked to. I actually asked him out one weekend because I had the lip jitters. I needed a fix.. Perhaps, I was just lonely and wanted male companionship. We were supposed to meet on Saturday for lunch. I texted him that day noon asking when we were going to meet. I didn't hear from him until 3:45 apologizing for oversleeping.. -_- Really? Is that even possible? I was so mad that I didn't text him until 8 that night. At least I didn't stand in Flushing waiting for him with my heavily made up face. I would have been mad if I had put make up on for no reason. But it's forgiven and I moved on. After being rejected from both guys when I wanted to meet them, I felt disheartened. I'm not making the first move anymore. This shit cray.
And after Annette told me this crazy story about some Canadian guy who tried catfishing guys on dating sites so as to lure them in and kill them, I was scared. Apparently, he was a horror story writing and wanted material for his stories. He was caught and his stories were found. That scared the shit out of me. I need to remember that there are crazy people out there.
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