Loving the Past

As a girl who's always been looking for love, I hate its effect on people. I've always wanted someone to love me as much as I love them. Achieving that, sadly, is not so simple..

I'm 24. I can go down the list of guys that has ever made me feel something extravagant inside. Let's begin. (I'm excited.)

1. 12 years old. Christian Vanegas. He was the first guy I ever fell in love with. It was definitely not love at first sight, but it felt like it. I didn't notice him in fifth grade, but once 6th grade came aroud, it was like nothing I've ever experienced. It was then that I started writing poetry because he touched my heart so much. It was puppy love. I know because when I got my first aol screenname, it was puppylove2487. lol. I thought I would never love anyone else. I remember filling a jar up with red crunch m&m's because red was his favorite color and crunch was his favorite. Do you know how many individual m&m packets I had to buy and sort through?? Maybe that's why I'm overweight. haha. But yea. I still remember his phone number. Stole it from someone. I called it once and it was crazy! And here's why. His number is 591-1_ _ _. I guess I didn't press the 5 hard enough and I accidentally called.. the authorities!!! It was like, 'hello, police department. How can I assist you?' and I was like 'omg, I'm so sorry. I got the wrong number!' I bet the police dude was like, 'who calls the police by accident?!' lol. But yeah, that was the last time I ever did that.. and that's why I still remember his number.. Sad.

2. 13 years old. Steven Assous. Ah, the first time I saw him, it was ridiculous. I couldn't take my eyes off him. It was in art class. He was this short, chubby guy with the darkest pair of eyes. Funny and flirty. Man, I liked him so much that I was just lovestrucked. And he definitely knew.. He had 2 guys that I think spied on me. He definitely sees me checking him out. I wonder if he checked me out too. Sigh.. He changed schools after a year, but I met him again in high school. I remember finding him in the phone book and writing a letter to him. I was so embarrassed and mortified afterwards that I tried avoiding him at all costs in high school. When I first saw him again in high school, he was taller and skinnier. He was very good looking, but my feelings changed. He stood next to me once on the bus and asked if I knew him. I acted like I didn't but he knew I knew. He was in one of my classes in college as well. He's too good looking for me. Too clean. That was the last time I ever saw him.

3. 16 years old. Alex Levine. High school, sophomore year. He was one of my friend's friends and boy did I like him! He was really nice and he's funny. I could have talked to him all day! His hand was warm and sweaty. Sadly, I knew him for only a year because he changed schools after a year. He took the same bus home as me so I would see him sometimes on my bus. One time when we still didn't know each other that much, we were on a crowded bus and I was holding onto the handle and he was sitting down. The bus stopped so abruptly that I lost footing and sat on him. I was so mortified!!! I couldn't have apologized enough!! Ahh. Yeah. I liked him so much. Now, I see him on Facebook and he's totally changed. He's not that shy kid that I once knew. He's more of a partyer and kind of creepy. I don't know what to think of him, but I hope under all that, he's still the same guy I fell for.

4. 17 years old. Danny Kang. Never spoke to him. He just seemed like a really nice guy. That's all.
There was also this new kid. He took the same bus to school as me at the same bus stop. He has long gelled bangs and smokes. So bad ass! I guess that's why I liked him. Smitten. I think his name was Philip. Never met him.

5. 17.5 years old. Jun Jeong. That jerk face. It was definitely not love at first site, because he was in one of my classes sophomore year and I didn't even realize it until 2 years later. I think I started liking him on my birthday in math class. I guess I took his niceness for love and I was smitten with him. I would write about him on xanga and he would read them because he had one too and we would look at each other's. He didn't know the person I was writing about was him. One of my xanga posts was a poem that ended in "___" which was supposed to be his name. So I guess that's how he figured it out. I didn't know he started ignoring me in college until one day on his birthday, I wrote on his Facebook wishing him a happy birthday and he erased it the second I posted it. I confronted him on it too and he just walked away from me. And that's how our friendship ended. To add insult to injury, years later, he started dating Joann Lin. We knew each other because we were in the same high school. She was one of my close friends whom I took the bus home with. She knew I liked Jun. I didn't care that they went out. What I cared about was that she first refused my request to add her as a friend on Facebook. She accepted the second time. This made me wonder if Jun was talking shit about me. I've done nothing wrong to him, so what could he possibly say about me? That this fat ass bitch liked him and won't leave him alone? I just don't understand what I did. And she knew I liked him so it shouldn't have come to a shock if he told her that I liked him. Oh wells. I was so stupid. One time, I saw a picture of them two at the beach and I commented on it saying '2 Commodorians!' since that was the Bayside HS mascot. But it was so stupid that I erased it. I knew she was ignoring me too when I wrote on her wall asking how she was doing and she didn't respond. Well, I didn't want that negativity to bring me down so I deleted her as a friend. She later created a new Facebook and added me so I accepted after a couple of days of thinking about it. She actually responded to me this time so I'm willing to put it behind us. They're not dating anymore, but still friends, it seems. That's all I have to say about that. I gained no closure as to why they treated me as such because according to him, I am one of the nicest people he has ever meet. I guess I understand that if someone you don't like likes you, you don't want to deal with it. But I thought it was ridiculous how he handled it. He just totally zoned me out. If we spoke about it, I would have surely backed off. It's not like I would have acted on my feelings or sabotage his relationships. Fucking bullshit. But yea. That's it. Talking about it brings back such hate in me, yet I know he's not a bad guy so I can't wish harm onto him. I hope he gets mad mosquito bites!!! Moving on.

6. 19 years old. Joe Ferrara. He was difficult for me to let go when I tried. I met him when I volunteered at Chapin Home for the Aging. He was my boss's son. He was 24 at the time. He was the nicest guy I've ever met. So I thought. I guess he took interest in me because I was around his age. But I see how he interacts. He's nice to everyone. But I was so hooked and blinded by him. When I started working there as an on-call, he would ask me to work on certain days. Of course, I said yes. Always yes because I wanted to work with him. But it wasn't until I fell out of love with him that I realized that he was using me. He wanted to take certain days off and used me to replace him for those days he requested. He wanted me to work because he can't take off unless he finds someone to take his place. I was a fool, but I can't blame him. I would have done the same thing if I knew a guy liked me. I remember he told me he knows whenever a girl likes him. Many times, he tried to get me to reveal my feelings. One time, I asked him for help and he leaned over and put his hand on mine. At that moment, I didn't know what to do. But after, I thought, man the table was so big. Out of everywhere that he could have placed his hand, it had to be on mine. I think he liked a lot of people. Why shouldn't he? He was a really nice guy, and there were mad college girls who came to volunteer from St. John's. He even started dating one of them. He told me about it, but I already knew then. He told me that when he likes someone, that's where all his mind goes to and I saw that in his work. He zones out a lot. It was crazy. But I stopped liking him before they started dating. I remember once that I cried myself to sleep when I heard he was leaving the nursing home. But I got over it. But when I was crying my eyes out, I thought I could never have stopped loving him. I was that infatuated. But it was a turn off that he said he focuses 100% on the person he's with. I don't want to be the cause of people's incompetence. It's funny to think that, but it's quite sad. I went to my first bar with him. He asked why it always takes me so long to respond. And it literally took me long to respond to that question because I was shocked. LOL. I don't know. I guess I want to think about what I say before I say it. Maybe because my mind is blank most of the time. But he made me realize that no matter how much you can like a person, feelings will eventually change and we move on. I was always shy around him. He just made me very awkward. Maybe because I liked him. Not sure, but I don't want to see him. I think I saw him once bicycling with a girl near my house and I ran across the street just to avoid someone who could have been him. I think I fear the fact that he still thinks I like him the way I used to. I fear that a lot because nothing pisses me off more than when people misunderstand my feelings. He's such a nice person that I do not doubt he'll make someone really happy one day. I'm just really happy I was over him. I remember telling him how I like how White guys kiss because they were so passionate compared to Asian kisses in movies. I can't believe I said that! And I was drunk, indeed!

7. 22 years old. Samuel Wong. He was like the guy version of me. I really liked him too because he and I were so alike in so many ways. He even have the special hand lines that I have!! I thought he was my soulmate. He was funny, nice, and Taishan! It was ridiculous that he and I were like this. But getting to know him made me change my mind. He was still everything I described him to be, but I didn't feel it anymore. I guess you could say that I wouldn't date myself. I feel like he's funny all the time and I want someone who knows when to act a certain way. What if I want to talk about something serious and deep? I need someone to satisfy that part of me. I think I was a bitch to him once. That, or he was being sensitive and I called him out on it. I felt like a bitch for doing so. We're still friends. We challenge each other to games occasionally, but that's about it. We will never be anything more.. And it's good because he's a pretty good friend.

So looking back at all these guys I've liked, I see that they're not as important to me as I used to think. I'm glad to know that I can love hard, but I learned that love's lost doesn't mean love is over. There's over 7 billion people. Life is so short, yet the list of loves are endless! High hopes for love for a shy girl who's never been in a relationship. Some call me naive, but I believe he's out there and he's waiting for me.. <3

Playing with Cupid

It's a funny thing how people can easily find you attractive online just by talking to you, yet it's never like that in real life. I recently joined a dating site because Jenny was on it and I thought it would be fun. My main reason for joining was so that it would help me gain confidence about myself. I must say, when boys rate me 4 or 5 out of 5, it's pretty nice. Sometimes, I get the occasional message from dudes and many of them sound like it's been copy and pasted to every girl on the site, so I pay no attention to those. But there's this one guy, who sent me a second message about me not answering his first one, so I answered him back. He shared a riddle and a poem. I shared a poem and he seems mesmerized by my "soul". I don't know what to think. Since I'm skeptical, I think he's playing with me. But my caring nature makes me feel bad for him if he's being sincere. I made sure to put on my profile that I refuse to meet anyone on the site, yet he brushes it off like I'm going to change my mind in the future. He says he likes my honesty and calls me amazing/rare. I feel guilty that he's paying this much attention to me because it's not going anywhere. All I want out of this site is to see how guys are like and maybe share some jokes along the way.. I never wanted to get serious. Damn my honesty. I feel bad. I told him it makes me weird when he compliments me, but he still manages to do it... I don't know what to do.. I even went on his profile lately and I could see that he changed some of his stuff which leaned towards finding someone kind of like me.. Flattered, but guilting.

There's this other guy who started with a riddle which I thought was cool. He seemed like the type of person I want to chat with on this site. He keeps things funny and light. That's all I want. I don't want to proceed any further than that. He replied back after 2 days saying he wasn't sure if he wanted to talk to me still because I wasn't planning on meeting him, and he prefer physically seeing the people he become friends with. Completely understandable, but a shot to my heart. I'll admit, my feelings were hurt, but it's understandable. I told him it was ok to not talk to me. I'd rather it happen now, before he charms the pants off me. Figuratively of course, and I didn't write the pants part to him. haha.

There's this other guy who messaged me. The complete type of person that I loathe to be with the most. He has long hair, and he even said it himself that he spends 80% of the time fixing his hair.. He's mad skinny too, which obviously will make me look like a total orange. He's 3 years younger and a bit too emo for me. But he did seem like he'd be the type of friend I'd meet in school or something. Like those guys who are nerdy and outcastey.

Another guy said my "kissy face makes me want to kiss stuff" and I was both flattered yet totally creeped out by it. There's mad weird people out there. And this is the reason I refuse to meet anyone.

There was this black guy who said he wanted to ask me something but I got really scared because the site put him as 71% enemy. Yeesh. It was him who almost made me delete my account. And I think I'll be shutting down my account soon. It's messed up if I'm toying with people's emotions even if I don't intentionally do it. This is the problem most of the time. People mistake niceness with attraction. And I'll be the first to admit that I've fallen a victim to that before.

Love is so difficult. All I know is, even though the commercial for eHarmony says that 1 of 5 people meet on dating sites, it's really not for me. I shouldn't have opened an account if I'm not using the site for what it was intended for which is to meet people. Yeah, I'm going to have to delete it soon because I feel guilty.. I'm scared, however, to have to write a message of good bye to the people who I've spoken too. It'd be rude to just drop off the face of the site without telling them anything.. They might think I blocked them. There's no doubt I'll delete my account.. the main question is when. Definitely by the end of October..