Crying Is For the Weak; Weakness is Life

Well, I recently found out I'm SAD. That's right. Social Anxiety Disorder. I saw an ad asking if I was this and that and I was like, wow, that's totally me. I guess, it's not just shyness. Great, add another disorder to my resume along with OCD. Man, my future hubby will have some baggage to get used to.. hopefully, he'll love me all the same.

I remembered trying to speak to my Business Communications professor Professor Cayo about this. I remember talking to him after class, and the first sentence out of my mouth was "Social anxiety disorder. How do you deal when presenting." I remembered feeling my words tremble, and that caused the next thing to happen. One tear came down. At that moment, I wasn't really listening to his advice. It was more of me wondering if this was really happening. Was I really crying? The tear was so miniature that by the time it reached my chin, it evaporated. Then a bigger one started falling. At one point, I was like "I don't know why I'm crying", and he said "Yeah, I was going to ask you about that. I don't know why you're crying either." I think that triggered the waterfall. I was so embarrassed that I started crying like crazy. Snot and all. I wished I never read that stupid article about SAD. I was perfectly happy being just "shy".

If that wasn't embarrassing enough, Prof. Cayo tried to relate presenting to going on a bad date. Wow, the awkwardness that was on my mind..
Cayo: Think about a bad date.
Me: Err...
Cayo: You've ever been on a bad date?
Me: No...
Cayo: You've never been on a bad date?
Me: I've never dated...

The Crying Prude. Nice ring, isn't it?

Yup, tried to avoid going down that road, but I couldn't. lol. That was embarrassing. Yeah, turning 24 in less than a month and still nobody. So embarrassed that I can't even talk to him. I can't even look at him. I'm just so ashamed that I started crying. I don't know what came over me. I've tried to analyze the situation, and I think I've just been so overwhelmed with everything and something triggered inside of me. School was crazy tough and love was nonexistent. I'm the type of person that keeps my feelings in and sometimes write about my feelings on Facebook, or this blog if I don't want anyone I know to read it. I haven't told anyone about this blog. I've told people that I have a blog, but never linked them to it. I doubt anyone has read any of them. These are my very private thoughts. Why is my blog public then? Well, no one knows me. No one cares to read about my stuff anyway. So why not let Fate decide the one or two people who find and read them?

Professor Cayo, in case you googled yourself and ended up on my blog, I would like to thank you so much. You gave me an A-, which I know is the highest grade you will ever give because you don't believe in perfection.. I feel like you gave me this grade because of my teary breakdown. I feel uneasy about it because I felt like I cheated. If I knew you would give anyone an A- if they cried in front of you, I wouldn't have done so.. I'm sorry if my tears affected your decision. But I appreciate that you saw this progress in me. And hopefully, I will take this confidence you've given me and use it in the future.. I hope I don't disappoint you. I didn't get to say good bye to you or shake your hand. I hope all is well with you, and I hope for the best in your life. I remember you telling us that your class was the most important class in my college career. Well, it definitely had the most impact on me. Thanks again!

Look, But Don't Touch

There's one thing wrong with being painfully shy around guys: looking like you're very disinterested or looking like you are interested when you're not. You can like things about guys that make you act shy around them, or you're just not interested and they think you like them. It's stupid. Either boys are stupid, or girls are just way too confusing.

Let's start with the shy girl who is way too scared to seem interested in the guy because the handsomeness of the guy makes her heart pump way too hard. The one thing I realize is that when I see a handsome guy, I am too afraid to look at him especially if I'm by myself. So what do I do? I look straight through them, like they don't even exist. I could be really interested, but I wouldn't behave that way even though I feel that way. It's not that I don't think I'm not good enough to be with an extremely handsome man, I just feel like I'm not physically pretty enough to be in the same level to be accepted by other people. I can see the problems we would have. I would get jealous at how friendly he would be with the hot bartenders and waitresses. And if he has the personality to match, I'd wonder what I did to deserve him? What I did to stand out to catch his eye? Doubts. These doubts would ruin me. Ruin us.. Maybe I do feel like he would be too good for me. I don't know. I know I have things to offer. But... whatever.

And what about those ugly guys that think they are the "foshizzle". People say that people are most attractive to those with confidence; that if they portray themselves as hot, then others will as well. I must say it's sort of works depending on the level of ugly. If you're hideous and you walk around with swag, that's just pathetic in my opinion. That's why my confidence is low. I don't think I'm pretty enough to pull it off. I'm fat and who will like me? I'm too shy to have that many friends that if I were to ask them all out, there would be a good enough chance at least one will say yes. But I have no more than those that I can count with my two hands. I think most of my friends are the type that contain a low profile. Work, school, home. That's basically their life in a jar. I don't like to go out at night. I don't like creepers. I don't have what they're after. I don't like being disrespected... However, I do like to play. As boring as my life is, I do have a vivid imagination.

I've always had this deep desire to live a double life. I want to work and go to grad school on week days, and by week's end, I would put on a wig and go have a wild time. Drink some booze and forget my worries. Yes, that would be a nice way to efficiently live a fulfilling life. But alas, all I do on weekends is study, tv, and go to my grandma's house. That's what I did for the past decade. Nothing has changed. Still single, and not loving it. I'm boring enough to be okay in a relationship, and not feel like I'm trapped. People say that dating is bad; boys are bad. I don't care. I want to experience it for myself. I want to feel the heartache. I want to feel the pain and joy, the roller coaster ride; everything. I know that there are level-headed people who trusted their heart to the wrong person, who just seemed so right at that moment. There's no surpassing these types to get to the better ones out there. You need to experience the jerks to know what you really want in life. And what I want is to meet guys. I'm 23. If I want to get married by the age of 28, I need to get moving. Time is ticking away regardless of how unproductive I am in my life.

Time is a moving. Better start cracking.

Here's One For the Dogs.

"The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have
Is yours"
-Leo Marks
How I love this stanza from Leo Marks? It wasn't until Chelsea Clinton got married that I found this lovely poem since it was the "official" wedding poem. And how these words ring true. Marriage is about finding the right person, and being able to be vulnerable with him. We only have one life to live, and before we hit the big 3-0, we're most likely giving it to who I'd like to call "my better half". We get one life; we choose one person. And we must choose oh so wisely because weddings are expensive, and presents don't really cover the cost of everything. Materially, the bride and groom lose. Emotionally, they are at the bargain end of the deal if they found their better halves. Sometimes I feel like people do not get the bigger picture, and that's when they marry wrong. Being crazy about that person doesn't make the relationship work because what happens when it all fizzles? Where do you go from there? When a relationship develops, and the guy knows you are his forever, will he feel the need to impress you or be chivalrous? No. And we can't be mad at them for being this way because we are the same way. Once you're his, there's no need for chase. There's no need for impressing. The hunt is over.
I find it really hard to find the right guy. Any guy for that matter. I'm 23 and single. All my life. No action, no nothing. I'm too shy, and let's face it, I can be a bit intimidating because I rarely smile in public. My emo make up doesn't help make things any better. And when I am attracted to a guy I see, I get too nervous to look at him, and so I look through him. I literally look his way, but right passed him. That's a very conceited thing to do, but I can't help it. Guys scare the hell out of me. And my friends don't paint a better picture for me about them either. If anything, they make me wear a pair of non-rose colored glasses. They call them jerks and douches. And it sometimes surprises me to meet a guy and think he's someone decent, then to find out he has multiple girlfriends. I've come to believe that all guys are the same. That they have no feelings. That they don't care about girls. They just want us for our goods and they leave when it runs out. Or if she becomes crazy, of course.
I'm not quite sure what type of girlfriend I'll be. In my head, I seem like a nonchalant type, but I have my obsessive episodes. I remember finding a crush who moved away's address through the phonebook, and one time I obsessively Facebooked stalked this guy for 2 weeks during Freshman year of college. I took his 'you can come and talk to me about anything' phrase on Facebook too seriously, and I talked on his wall. When he didn't respond, I went all apes on him asking why he wasn't responding to me, and asked if he thought I was crazy. I later felt disgusted and embarrassed by my behavior that I stopped talking to him, and deleted him off Facebook. Never doing that again! I hated to think I was "that" crazy stalker girl that people talked about. yikes!
So my approach to relationships is that if it happens, then it happens. If he cheats, then it's better to find out now, before you are tied down. I don't think love should be so hard. It should just fit. If there are doubts, then there will be 'what ifs' haunting the relationship, and instigate when things are at its worst. Love should be bam bam, I'm in love. He looks at me, and I just can't stop looking back at him. I believe in this magic.
On a non-related note. I was walking home today, and I found this hot dog 3 houses away. He seemed lost because the door he was standing in front of was closed. He stared at me, and I stared at him. It was a good 5 seconds. I made some smooching noises, and he ran to me. He jumped on me like there was no tomorrow. At first, I was like eww, but a flashback of a few years ago where I found this dog wandering the streets in the rain, and how bad I felt not stopping to help it. I think I saw signs of a missing dog the next day for him. :( So I stopped. I saw a tag so I knew he wasn't a stray. I could hardly hold him long enough to read the number off his tag, when he ran away. I hesitated whether I should go home, or follow him... And I chose the latter. I followed him as he went into a neighbor's yard. I tried making the noise again to no avail. I bent over and he charged at me. Yes, long enough for me to dial the number! I told her I found her dog, and a guy came out of the house the dog was in. omg. Here I was trying to lure him away from that house, when that's where he lived. -_- Felt like a dork. The dog's name was Tips. But that jerk didn't even say thanks. He just called the dog and that's it. Whatever, man. I liked his dog, though. So energetic. I have lots of paw prints on my black pants. I didn't even care that he was all over me. And I have OCD! lol. I want a dog of my own. In the words of Britney Spears: my loneliness is killing me.

China Love

When I went to my dad's hometown in Taishan, China, it was a whole different world. Completely rural, and even the city looked suburban. Thank God that my aunt bought an apartment with a decent bathroom, but oh how I dreaded the public bathrooms.. My first time was at a McDonalds. I went in and the floor was wet.. yuck. The bathrooms are on the floor, like a sink. It's nasty. I squatted and I was wondering if I was doing it right. I turned my body and wondered perhaps I was doing it in the wrong direction. lol. But I was right the first time. But it was messy. I'll say no more..

The people there are starers. I didn't know whether I loved that or loathed it. You see, in a.m.e.r.i.c.a., staring is rude. But these people, on the other side of the world stare like there's no tomorrow; even when they see you staring, they won't stop staring. I would joke when my family and I were walking that people were staring at them instead, but clearly I was the focal point. I don't know what it was about me.. I wore regular clothes, I wasn't wearing makeup, and I think I blended in.. Well, except, of course, my pasty fair skin and that I'm fatter than the average Asian. I remember I was at the school where my cousin taught gym (rest in peace, my cousin, and all those who died in the tragic accident... *kiss, kiss, kiss*.) there was this one girl who stared at me as she got out of class. She just stared at me. I stared back, and I think she glared a little.. stupid bitch* (I meant, little kid).

One thing I realized in China was that when waiters wait on you saying, 'what do you want pretty girl?' that they are lying. They don't think you're pretty. I was at the restaurant and this dude said it to this chick. She was an ugly chick. They lied. Never take them seriously!

There was no good looking guys in China.. it was very disappointing. I think I had a crush on 3 guys in my five week stay there. One was the driver. He was pretty light skinned, and he's a pretty nice person. I guess that's why I crushed on him. But that's it. I heard his dad is arranging a marriage between him and this country girl. I can't imagine being forced to do that. I'm more rebellious when it comes to being forced to love someone. There was this other guy I met through one of my dad's best friends' friend. He was so worldly and he's an expert at something, and he's an entrepreneur!!! He travels a lot, which is pretty awesome. He's an expert at fishing, and I think he won prizes for it. And back then, he bought all these houses and collected on rent, and got his income on that.. That's pretty awesome! He smokes though, and his teeth is rotting. Oh, and he spoke a bit English too!! That's really impressive. So yeah. Moving on the guy that practically stole my heart. It was a beautiful day. I always wanted to catch fish at the pond where my dad owns, at the village where he was raised in. Yeah, my dad and his siblings are a pretty big deal, because they came to the US for a better life, and they would send money home to the village. Yeah. The whole village came to see me fish out the fishes! I thought it was a no biggie thing. I thought I would have fish food to lure them, and I catch them with a net. Oh no. So wrong. They had 8 people, 4 on each side of the pond holding a pond long net and dragged it across the pond to bring all the fishes to one side. Everyone was there. It was sooo weird and awkward. I didn't want to be the center of attention. But I realized that everyone wasn't there to look at me catch fish. They were there to get a fish to bring home to cook. That was when I saw this guy in the red t-shirt. Man was he cute.. I couldn't stop staring.. But he got his fish and left. Later that night, we dined out. We had fish soup and I saw him there. He was sooo cute.. eek! I wanted to take a picture of him, but I didn't. Oh wells. My dad's friend drove us home, and coincidentally, he gave a ride to Red Shirt.. The situation with him is that he is the son of someone my dad knew. His parents live in Boston right now.. which gave me hope that if he came to US, that we would meet again. And when he was answering my dad, he turned to the back of the car and I swear he was looking at me when he was talking. I was staring too. It was dark, but man, our beady eyes were checking the other out. But I realized something about him when I first saw him. He had a great smile, but his teeth was horrendous! Like ew, it was soo black. blah. I mean they look like they could get a good cleaning and wallah, it'll look decent! But no. Sigh. I struggled whether if we had relations, that my parents would approve. The good: He's from my dad's hometown and he's cute. The bad: He sells cellphones and his teeth is blah. Yeah. I don't know if it'll work though. He doesn't speak English. That means that he won't be able to understand my humor or jokes, which is a major biggie. I want to be able to make my hubby laugh, and clearly, I can't do it if he doesn't understand my American humor. He might think I'm a major bitch since I have some sarcastic humor and he's translating it wrong.

I saw him 3 more times. One was an awesome night.

We were having dinner and we had 2 tables. Since I came in the car with my dad, I sat with him. I didn't realize I was at the "guys table", which was what it was. I sat with all guys. My mom told me to sit with her, but my uncle wanted me to sit with him, I guess because he's shy like me, and wanted me around. So I sat there. And then he came. I heard he said his name was Moon. That was cute. So he was sitting across from me. The rice came, and he gave me the cutest eyebrow. Like a 'have some' wink. I didn't know what to do, except giggle like a girl with a crush. He did it a second time.. and I looked away. Then he just started staring.. like intensely. I look up, there he was staring.. I look again, there he was... I started panicking.. I couldn't look at him, or his direction for the rest of the night. I liked the panic. I felt a rush. It was pretty awesome. It was one of the best nights there.

I just remembered one of my dad's best friends who died in a very tragic car crash, that also took the lives of my cousin and my dad's other best friend. It was horrible. We all cried. I couldn't imagine how my dad felt. Will we be going back? Not sure. My dad's friends made the trip the best. They brought us places and they were so funny. I loved them. They made life beautiful and comedic. The world was at a loss when they died. They made me so comfortable, and it takes something special for me to be comfortable around them. Very special. Loved them dearly. Miss them a lot..

Does love die slowly with memory, or do they make us die?

I felt like it killed a part of my heart.

Olive Juice

You know what's tough? Saying 'I Love You'. I've never been one to throw that phrase around. It's a funny thing. I've known my best friend, Jenny since 2nd grade. That's over 14 years. I'm 23 now. I was 7. She's always saying I Love You, and the best I could say is 'Love ya'. I think it's a lesbianic phobia type thing. I don't like saying it, unless it's to a guy. I was never fond of saying it to family either. My family wasn't the emotional type. My family is mean and talks a lot of shit about everyone. And I hate that about them. Every time they get barbaric with their manners, I always think to myself, 'See, this is EXACTLY why I can't marry a prince. Because my family is like THAT!' There's no doubt that they're gonna talk about my future husband. They don't really talk smack about my dad, but that's because he doesn't smoke, drink, and he's a constant workaholic. I don't want my hubby to be a workaholic. I want to actually see my husband and chill with him. I want him to be witty, smart, and hella funny. No doubt they'll talk smack. I don't care. I know them too well. And they have a problem with EVERYONE. It's surprising my grandparents actually have friends, the way they talk about them. It's really rude, I'd have to say. So yeah, my family? Not the emotional type. I remember when I was like 16 and my dad was like, 'how come you never kiss me anymore?'. And I'm like, do you not know me? Do you not know how I was raised?! lol. So yeah. I guess what I'm trying to say is that saying those words are difficult for me. Especially when a guy is involved and the timing is uncertain...

If I follow a timeline, it would be like this:
Day 1: Date the guy.
Date 3: Kiss the guy.
Month 3? 6? Say I love you.
3 years later: Marry him.

I never know when I will transition from liking him, to being infatuated, to loving him. What's the difference between liking them deeply and loving them? I feel like I won't ever say 'I love you' until he utters those words first. I don't know if it's too soon or not. And if he says it first, will I feel obligated to say it back, or do what I always do when someone says something like that to me, and say 'thanks..'. Grr. It's really hard. I don't know if I love a person or not. I've had times where I've liked a guy so bad that it made me cry at night because he was leaving.. but I got over it. I realized he wasn't this perfect guy I thought he was, and realized that I didn't like his personality all that much when it comes to being the guy of my dreams. And then there was this other guy. Perfect. He was exactly like me in every way. He's Hoisan, which is the Chinese dialect that I speak. He has the same hand as me, where my right palm has only 2 major lines, instead of 3 and one of them is too long to be normal. That's when I basically fell for him. And his cheesy humor. I loved all those things. I liked him when I only saw him a few hours a week during my Asian Studies class. But when I took summer classes with him, I came to dislike him as a potential suitor. He was way too corny for me, and I think I hurt his feelings one time. I know I can be kind of mean about certain things I say, but it's supposed to be funny. Oh wells. Yeah, he was just like me. I've always thought that I would date myself because I'm so awesome, but I guess I'm kind of annoying as well. lol. In fact, here's a conversation I had with my younger cousin Michelle:

Me: If you met a guy version of yourself, would you date him?
Michelle: No, would you?
Me: I did. Sam. He's just like me, except he's more annoying. Am I annoying?
Michelle: Yes.
Me: Fine, he's EXACTLY like me, and I can't date him. So I can't date myself.

I hope I'll teach my children to love. Say it well and say it often. Sometimes, when my brother comes home really late, my mom would curse his name for being out all the time. She gets quite mad. The question is should you be mad, or mad worried? God forbid, something happened to him, and all you did was get pissed. That's something I don't want to feel. But maybe that's her way of expressing worry. I express mine by knocking on wood.

I think it's an OCD thing, but I worry a lot about every thing. When my mom gets home later than usual, or my brother, or my dad, I worry like hell. I get so scared. As an OCDian, I get these scary imaged in my head, which leads me to worry and knock on my wall to ease this stress. It's scary when you feel like something happened to a loved one. I hate that feeling. That constant worry until you finally know whether they're alright or not. It upsets me a great deal.

My mom isn't really the emotional type when it comes to showing it to her children. There were times where she tells my brother or me to eat shit, or even die. Like, who says that to her children? Especially when I've told her that I've been depressed. She goes and tells me to die. Well, not in the same night, but my depression should have been in the back of her head. The most recent time she said it to me was when we were in China last November. She told me to sit like 3 consecutive times and I said no, 3 consecutive times. And I guess I was louder than usual, and she was like 'Why are you yelling at me? I'm telling you to sit for your benefit. Go die.' As her daughter, I could not say it to her, even though my brother would have been bold enough to say it back. Sometimes, in my head, I would respond saying, 'Fine. But if I die, don't regret it!' and I make a stormy exit. I won't be surprised that I would eventually be mad enough to say that. Oh wells. What can be done? Nothing. She won't change.

I just want to be loved. I think I deserve it.

No Man On the Virgin Island

We often hear that no man is an island. Well, on this island,
I doubt anyone would even come near it. You would think there
were sirens surrounding my lonely island.

Shall I explain why?

I am 23 year old virgin living in New York. Carrie Bradshaw,
I am not. How's that life going? Not too well. Never kissed,
never dated, never nothing! Being a virgin can be tough
sometimes, especially at this age where no guy wants to
settle down. All they wanna do is play, play, play. That's
all they care about! How will I meet someone? Where? What
will they think when I suddenly blurt out that I'm a virgin?
I can just imagine how it's gonna go down...
Reminisce: the situation
You: Hey, do you want go to the museum with me, and then go
grab something to eat?
Me: Like on a date?
You: Yeah. I like you.
Me: Thanks, but you should know something before we go any
further. I don't want to waste your time or mine if this is
going to be an issue for you. The whole sex before marriage thing..
ain't gonna happen... soo..yeah.
You: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I like you, but not THAT much!
Me: Ok, laters.
You: Sayonara, prude.

I believe that guys take you out because they're investing
for a high return. I'm more of a long term investment. I'm
someone you can bring home to mom. Or be one of those people
who you can fake date to show your mom a nice girl, whilst
you date the chick you met on prison chat or something.

Abstinence is pretty dead right now. So for me to expect
to find a handsome, chivalrous guy that is completely and
utterly pure and untouched is pretty impossible. And if I
do find a person like that, more often than not, the guy
is abstaining because of religious reasons. I'm Buddhist.
A nonreligious one at that. If religion drove them to
practice celibacy, how will I convince them to marry
outside their religion? Very unlikely.

My reasons for abstinence are pretty simple. Whether
it's reasonable is another thing.
1. One obvious reason is to prevent pregnancy. I don't
want to get pregnant and have it ruin my future plans.
I want to go places and do stuff before I am tied down.
I want to lose weight and keep it off for a few years
before I ruin my body again! I don't believe in abortion
unless rape was involved. Yeah, condoms are 99.9 percent
effective and birth control makes it even safer to have
sex, but I ain't gonna risk it. My parents would probably
disown me if I were to get pregnant. My mom and grandmother
both had their first child at 23. But that was back when
marrying young was the thing to do. I want a career first,
be settled, and be in love and with The One. I don't want
to risk my future for something that was unplanned. I'm too
young for the responsibility.
2. The second is simple. If a guy is willing you wait years
for you to be ready to be intimate, then they really love
you. They're not driven by their ding dongs. They are
serious and committed to you. If they're willing to wait
that long, then they are more likely to not cheat on you
after being married. They show a faithful quality that I
want in a man.

Guys are always driven by sex. They think about it often.
Very often. Masturbation on a daily basis is actually normal
AND doctor recommended. How so? Well, if you don't ejaculate,
your old sperm will cause a build up of bacteria. Soooo those
who ejaculate often lessen their chances of getting colon
cancer. Speaking of colon cancer.. here's a fun joke:

"You can't get colon cancer with a semicolon!"
Lol. Loves it.

Of course guys my age think about sex. As much as I hate to
think every guy I meet has sex on his brain, it's pretty much
true. And to wonder whether my nerdy guy friends ever think
of me any certain way repulses me. Bleh.

How will I find love at this age? Guys play at this age.
They're not looking for anything serious. How do I convince
them that I'm a good enough catch to invest their futures
with? How do I make myself stand out when I'm naturally
a blender inner? How is a good guy to find me when I hide
myself so well?

My shy qualities are what do me in. They can be misinterpreted
for being disinterested. I'm just scared of getting rejected.
It's not easy falling in love. It's not easy to let people in.

I hope someone is out there waiting for me.

My shyness is what hides me from the world. It takes a man
to seek me out. If I'm lucky, he'll find me.

Highlight of the day: At work. (looking at pictures)
Me: Oh, who is that?
Boss: He's a volunteer. He's cute.
Me: He IS cute. You know who else is cute? Whopper Jr
(this guy names James who came to fix our computers.)
Boss: lol.
Me: Yeah, he has this cross-eyed thing going on. It's pretty
sexy.
Boss: lol.
Me: lol.
He WAS cute, though.