"I Have Suffered Enough"

So I was listening to one of the Dharma talks by Sharon Salzberg and the one thing that drew my attention as I was listening to it on my subway ride home was the words "I have suffered enough".

I remembered having a conversation with Kathy about suffering and how I felt that some people liked to suffer. I don't mean people welcome suffering into their lives any chance they get, but I do feel that some people are drawn toward it.. maybe because of the pity or sympathy that other people would feel for them. Another thing that stood out from the podcast was the question of why people love humans? It's because we feel compassion for one other. And maybe that's what we all hunger for. Attention. Just someone to care about us, whether it's love or pity. Some feeling is better than no feeling at all.

Well, not to sound cold or anything that would make me look like I've never loved a day in my life but look at the facts. If someone/something is making you suffer, then wouldn't you try all you can to avoid it? What does it say about you if you always go back to the suffering just for a moment of pleasure that you know will push you back 2 steps? Do you not consider those people the type that subconsciously love to suffer?

Call it tough love because I'm going to use this as a wake up call to all the weaklings that doubt themselves because of the ill-treatment that molded their minds into thinking that way. If you are in the receiving end of the verbal rampage, then I hope you see that behind all the vulgarity that it was said because of love and I do want you to be happy..

Dear You,

Applying the same logic: 'if you work hard for something, then you will eventually get it', then you deserve to suffer. You've suffered for so long and you've dedicated all this time crying over someone that doesn't deserve all this attention in the first place, or at least not for this long. Yet, still you dedicate yourself to suffering. You should suffer. I mean, you worked so hard for it so it's yours. You should just dedicate a good days' work of time to just sit and suffer. Suffer everyday for the rest of your life because that's exactly what you want, right? Make it your daily routine. It's something you worked hard for, so you deserve it. Lay under your covers and cry your heart out because you suffered for so long.. it's yours for the taking now. Just suffer. You. Deserve. It.

What do you have to say to that, huh?

WRONG!!! You're supposed to say 'stupid bitch, I have suffered enough!'

Exactly, you have suffered enough. Stop with it already. Acknowledge the suffering and what caused it. Then, let it go and move on. It's not helping your sanity by holding on to it for so long.

Once something had become a chore, you just don't want to do it anymore. Same with suffering.. If you tell someone to dedicate a time for suffering, much like school, then people are less likely to do so because they know they don't deserve it.

Realize that it's not the end of the world. Realize that it's just one person. If I were to tell you that there is one person who can affect you so badly, would you not try to rebel against it? Everything is mental. Learn to control it. Or else, you're just helpless and you'll just suffer.. At this point, I've given up and I will no longer console someone that can not be consoled. My last straw will be if you don't heed my words..

Live. Love. Learn.
And Move On.

Mind Cheating

I had a dream about my best friend's first love.. I felt like I betrayed her..

Well, my best friend fell in love 3 years ago to a guy that is a fairly decent person. He's very personable and not bad looking. He's playful in nature and smart. Yeah, he's very likable, but I don't like the fact that he gave up on their relationship after things started getting complicated.. such as having a long distance relationship. For that, I can't respect him..

This wasn't the first dream I've had of him. The first I think it was just me and him standing on a street corner in Flushing at around 10 p.m. waiting for Jenny to be done with her classes. Then a women right next to us had a heart attack and we both tried to look for help for her. That was it. I told her about the dream and the first thing she asked me was whether I thought about him often.. I was pretty ticked off that she would ask me that because we're best friends and the fact that she was the common denominator in the dream was obviously irrelevant to her. All she saw was that I dreamt about the ex that got away.

Well, this dream I had last night was a pretty darn good dream considering the fact that I don't have any male contact in real life. Any action from dreams are welcomed actions in my heart. But for my mind, because it was my best friend's first love, it was a bit unsettling.

The dream, as far as I can remember, was that he was very drunk and I was the only one with him, so I basically carried him to my house. For some reason, I put him on my mom's bed because that was the "normal" place to put him. At that time, I tried to get him into the bed and let him sleep it off, but he just grabbed a camera (as if it was his house and we were in his room) and he took a picture of me because he wanted to keep this memory of me. I don't know why.. but that was the moment that I started having feelings for him. (In the dream only, of course) It probably could have been anyone and I would have liked him the moment I felt he had feelings for me as well. It was a very vulnerable moment and I just felt a connection.

The next thing I knew, my mom came home and I tried to explain to her that he's drunk and I had nowhere else to take him. She cried hysterically saying that she couldn't believe I had the balls to bring a guy home that wasn't my husband. This was weird because I've never seen my mom cry so I think my mind made up an image that was just overly animated. [update: 2/12, I told my mom about this dream when my relatives were talking about relationships one night. She was telling my 16 year old cousin to find a boyfriend. When my cousin asked her why she doesn't tell me that, she said I don't have the confidence to do so. Yea, mom's given up hope on her dear daughter. Then I told them about the dream for a good laugh. It was a fun moment.]

The last thing I remembered was that he moved on to somebody new. She was a friend of mine who's as innocent as can be. And I was a bit jealous. I couldn't hate her. She was too kind to hate. And he was just being a "guy".

Then I woke up.

How do I interpret this? Is it that he's a jerk that preys on innocent girls and try to corrupt them? Do I have the right to hate myself for having a dream about a guy that, after 2 years of breaking up, my best friend is still in love with him? I don't know. I feel bad, but know it's not my fault. So the guilt shall end with this sentence.

So, today I woke up and I started exercising. I did about an hour on the treadmill. And man, was I funky. Took a shower and went to Chapin Home for lunch with my dear friend, Kathy. The main thing I love about hanging with Kathy is that even though I have nothing to say, she gets the conversations going, yet she never centers the attention on herself. We spoke about some irrelevant things, but we also touched on religion and Buddhism. We spoke about meditation and how we have to control the way we think to become a better person. The lunch was very enlightening. As far as I can remember, I looked up to Kathy because she was such a kind person and the way she thinks is very inspiring. She spoke about how we all have our own journeys to go through and how we should never dwell on the bad because it creates suffering in us and for those around us. And it got me thinking.. I know I am a great person with a great heart, but I also know that I have an attitude about me that needs more controlling. Even though many people don't see this side of me, those close to me do. They are in my life so much that they have to see this part of me. The part that is angry, bitchy, moody and opinionated. But is that me? A part of it is. But most people see the gentle, sweet, innocent, lovable, quirky, shy me. That's a part of me too. So who is the real me? I'm not sure.. It's not like I make up a personality to gain friends. It's just that different people open up a different part of me.

I told Kathy that the last thing that really frustrated me was taking my finals. Even though it ended well (1 A. 3 A-. 1 B+), after taking each exam, I felt so helpless because I realized that I got all the easy questions wrong. I guess you can color me cocky, but I was focused on the hard ones that I forsaken the ones that were basically free points.. I told her that I came home, got really frustrated and I started punching walls. I told her that if I didn't get emotional, it would have felt as if the final didn't matter to me enough. But she said that that's not true. And I see that now.

I'm going to listen to some podcasts on meditation by Sharon Salzberg because Kathy said she's amazing. I'm downloading them on my iTouch as I'm writing. Hopefully, I'll be enlightened and it'll help me go through the stresses in life..

I hope I take these lessons and apply it to my life, and maybe rub some of it off on Jenny because she's become so negative. Well, what can you expect if those around you are bringing you down? Well, let's take this one day at a time.

Peace out.