Deep Rooted Monster

It's now been three weeks since Jenny and I have last spoken. This went down over something I said. I've always held my tongue when I talk to her because I knew she was sensitive. I remember telling her that she was sensitive one time and she got emotional over it.. Ok, you're not sensitive..

The text started out with her listing how much laundry, candy, food, and stickers cost. She does this so often that finally I asked her not to talk about money with me. She makes more than me, so imagine my frustration when she bitches about how little she makes. She once made a comment how her job was harder than mine. I held my tongue. I hold my tongue a lot when we talk.

The conversation eventually went into me telling her that I think she complains a lot about things I don't see are that big of a deal. She went into "whoa is me" mode and accused me of saying that I don't want to hear any of her worries and what not. I mean, it's an opinion. You asked. I answered. I even told her that it's my fault that I was raised with a cold heart.

18 years of friendship. I thought about apologizing to her. But there was nothing to apologize for. She asked me what it was. I told her. I didn't say it in an attacking way. At one point, I told her to forget what I said. She made a comment that we should always be honest.. Yea? Look where it got us. She doesn't want honesty. She wants me to stay quiet and listen to her rant about mostly money crap. Yea, sorry if I don't understand her first-world problems.

Thinking about this fight and how petty is was just made me mad. Do I let go of an 18 year friendship over some petty fight like this? If I have to.. then yes. Here's why:

I know what it's like to be depressed. I know that awful feeling of not knowing why you're sad. You just are. I worked hard to push those feelings down deep inside me so that I don't have to ever feel that nothingness again. So I surround myself with happy thoughts. I am my own best friend. I talk and rationalize with my subconsious so when I'm being stupid, I know it. When I'm being unreasonable, I know it. I don't like getting mad. I like to be in control of my emotions. When people talk about their petty problems, it frustrates me. I don't care about those problems. They are not worth being bothered over. Here I am trying to be as happy as I can possibly fake it and you're tearing me down with your negativity. I don't need that in my life. I'm trying not to go back to that dark place of crying uncontrollably. I'm not trying to go back. Having OCD doesn't help either. My compulsive anxiety isn't something I can handle when I'm in a funky mood.

Yea, she has low self-esteem. We all do. She can see someone she likes and pursue them. Her standards are relatively high. Me? I see someone I like and I don't pursue them. My standards are average. And I know when someone is too good for me; that they deserve better. What a world we live in where there's doublethink. To stress how everyone is created equal, yet some people are better than me while others are not. Why must it be this way?

How long will this last? I don't know. But the problem remains.