The Virgin Hooker

I met my first guy on Skout. The only reason I chose to meet up with him only days of meeting him is because he had a girlfriend and I thought we could be friends. He just moved from Virginia to do residency here in New York and I thought we could both use more friends. So I met him.

We went to Koreatown for lunch. It was awkward. Half the time we weren't talking and I was just looking around awkwardly. During lunch, he was planning what we were doing next. I guess that's a good sign that he liked me. He suggested we go get a beer. Because there was nothing else to do and I know I'd be more relaxed when I drink, I went along with it. We went for a beer and then we went back to K-town to get Soju. We went to this place and then we went to another. Throughout the afternoon, I had a tall glass of beer and shared two bottles of Soju. I was pretty tipsy at that moment. After that, when we were walking to the train station, he held my hand. I was like whatever. He suggested that we go back to Brooklyn to the park by his house. I didn't want to go but he convinced me that it wasn't far and that it was still early. I went with it. #yolo, right?

When we got off the train, he said we should go back to his apartment for some "coffee". Yeah, ok man. I'm drunk, but I'm not stupid. I told him I didn't drink coffee and that I wouldn't go inside. No dude, not even for a minute. So he went in and I sat outside and waited for him. He went in and came out after a long 5 minutes. Then we walked to the park. We sat in the middle of the grass which was really nice. We sat together and then he put his arm around my waist.

O: Can I kiss you?
L: You know you have a girlfriend, right?
O: *takes arm off me* I know..
L: Yeah, it's not a good idea.
O: But we're in the process of breaking up.
L: Yeah, but this is still cheating.
O: *puts arm on me again* I know.. Can I kiss you?
L: I just haven't kissed in a really long time. If we kissed, it would mean nothing to me.
O: What do you mean?
L: I don't know how I feel about you, so this means nothing to me.

He pulls me closer and I turned to him. Then we kissed. He wasn't the best kisser. I did most of the work. So we kissed for about 5 minutes. Then we headed out. I told him I should be going home because it was Sunday and I had work the next day. He walked me to the train station. When we were waiting to cross the street, he stood close to me and I kissed him again.

When we were outside the train station, he tried dragging me back to his place again. I told him that I was a virgin and that I'm not that kind of girl. I told him that I had a really nice time after he said it was well. I don't know how much truth that statement contained because I felt pretty crappy about what I did. I told him he was pretty slutty because he tried several times to get me to go in his house. Yeah, "coffee", ok man. If I'm not safe with a guy with a girlfriend, I'm not safe with anyone. Are all guys douchebags? Maybe I should forever stay in a long distance relationship and be completely oblivious to what he is doing so that I could live inside a fairy tale bubble.

I checked my phone and I got texts from Annette and Jenny. They were worried sick about me because they thought something bad happened to me. It was really my fault. I didn't check my phone the whole time I was with him. I know better now.

I was pretty disappointed in myself. Of what I did with someone else's boyfriend, regardless of whether they were about to break up or not. Never in a million years I would have thought I'd do that. Yes, the alcohol made me have loose inhibitions. But it was my choice. My regret.

That night, I talked to Andrew about it. That was a good talk for the both of us. He liked talking to drunk me because I'm more flirty with him. haha. He's so silly. I love talking to him even when half the time, we only hear the other breathing. haha. He told me that in a few months, we would be married and then divorced. He said not to worry because we're going to get back together again. haha. I don't know what I'm doing with him, but right now, I'm pretty happy. I can go out and have fun with guys if I wanted, and then come home and be able to have that mental connection of a fake boyfriend like him. It's kind of like having multiple lovers. haha. It's terrible, I know. But our relationship is just a game. I've never liked talking on the phone, but talking to him just feels so right.

Annette said what I'm doing with him is wrong because I'm going to get attached and disregard the guys around me. She threatened to text him saying that I hate him and to never talk to me again. I told her if she did that, I would be really upset at her. I like the fact that he thinks about me before he sleeps and when he wakes up. I like that. Even if it's fake, he still thinks about me from 740 miles away.

I'm getting attached, yes. I wonder what will happen once one of us finds someone else. Obviously, we have to stop. But how would I feel about it? I don't know if I want to let him go? I guess we could still be close pen pals. We just have to replace 'baby' and 'honey' with 'dude' and 'yo'.