Well, I recently found out I'm SAD. That's right. Social Anxiety Disorder. I saw an ad asking if I was this and that and I was like, wow, that's totally me. I guess, it's not just shyness. Great, add another disorder to my resume along with OCD. Man, my future hubby will have some baggage to get used to.. hopefully, he'll love me all the same.
I remembered trying to speak to my Business Communications professor Professor Cayo about this. I remember talking to him after class, and the first sentence out of my mouth was "Social anxiety disorder. How do you deal when presenting." I remembered feeling my words tremble, and that caused the next thing to happen. One tear came down. At that moment, I wasn't really listening to his advice. It was more of me wondering if this was really happening. Was I really crying? The tear was so miniature that by the time it reached my chin, it evaporated. Then a bigger one started falling. At one point, I was like "I don't know why I'm crying", and he said "Yeah, I was going to ask you about that. I don't know why you're crying either." I think that triggered the waterfall. I was so embarrassed that I started crying like crazy. Snot and all. I wished I never read that stupid article about SAD. I was perfectly happy being just "shy".
If that wasn't embarrassing enough, Prof. Cayo tried to relate presenting to going on a bad date. Wow, the awkwardness that was on my mind..
Cayo: Think about a bad date.
Me: Err...
Cayo: You've ever been on a bad date?
Me: No...
Cayo: You've never been on a bad date?
Me: I've never dated...
The Crying Prude. Nice ring, isn't it?
Yup, tried to avoid going down that road, but I couldn't. lol. That was embarrassing. Yeah, turning 24 in less than a month and still nobody. So embarrassed that I can't even talk to him. I can't even look at him. I'm just so ashamed that I started crying. I don't know what came over me. I've tried to analyze the situation, and I think I've just been so overwhelmed with everything and something triggered inside of me. School was crazy tough and love was nonexistent. I'm the type of person that keeps my feelings in and sometimes write about my feelings on Facebook, or this blog if I don't want anyone I know to read it. I haven't told anyone about this blog. I've told people that I have a blog, but never linked them to it. I doubt anyone has read any of them. These are my very private thoughts. Why is my blog public then? Well, no one knows me. No one cares to read about my stuff anyway. So why not let Fate decide the one or two people who find and read them?
Professor Cayo, in case you googled yourself and ended up on my blog, I would like to thank you so much. You gave me an A-, which I know is the highest grade you will ever give because you don't believe in perfection.. I feel like you gave me this grade because of my teary breakdown. I feel uneasy about it because I felt like I cheated. If I knew you would give anyone an A- if they cried in front of you, I wouldn't have done so.. I'm sorry if my tears affected your decision. But I appreciate that you saw this progress in me. And hopefully, I will take this confidence you've given me and use it in the future.. I hope I don't disappoint you. I didn't get to say good bye to you or shake your hand. I hope all is well with you, and I hope for the best in your life. I remember you telling us that your class was the most important class in my college career. Well, it definitely had the most impact on me. Thanks again!
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