Olive Juice

You know what's tough? Saying 'I Love You'. I've never been one to throw that phrase around. It's a funny thing. I've known my best friend, Jenny since 2nd grade. That's over 14 years. I'm 23 now. I was 7. She's always saying I Love You, and the best I could say is 'Love ya'. I think it's a lesbianic phobia type thing. I don't like saying it, unless it's to a guy. I was never fond of saying it to family either. My family wasn't the emotional type. My family is mean and talks a lot of shit about everyone. And I hate that about them. Every time they get barbaric with their manners, I always think to myself, 'See, this is EXACTLY why I can't marry a prince. Because my family is like THAT!' There's no doubt that they're gonna talk about my future husband. They don't really talk smack about my dad, but that's because he doesn't smoke, drink, and he's a constant workaholic. I don't want my hubby to be a workaholic. I want to actually see my husband and chill with him. I want him to be witty, smart, and hella funny. No doubt they'll talk smack. I don't care. I know them too well. And they have a problem with EVERYONE. It's surprising my grandparents actually have friends, the way they talk about them. It's really rude, I'd have to say. So yeah, my family? Not the emotional type. I remember when I was like 16 and my dad was like, 'how come you never kiss me anymore?'. And I'm like, do you not know me? Do you not know how I was raised?! lol. So yeah. I guess what I'm trying to say is that saying those words are difficult for me. Especially when a guy is involved and the timing is uncertain...

If I follow a timeline, it would be like this:
Day 1: Date the guy.
Date 3: Kiss the guy.
Month 3? 6? Say I love you.
3 years later: Marry him.

I never know when I will transition from liking him, to being infatuated, to loving him. What's the difference between liking them deeply and loving them? I feel like I won't ever say 'I love you' until he utters those words first. I don't know if it's too soon or not. And if he says it first, will I feel obligated to say it back, or do what I always do when someone says something like that to me, and say 'thanks..'. Grr. It's really hard. I don't know if I love a person or not. I've had times where I've liked a guy so bad that it made me cry at night because he was leaving.. but I got over it. I realized he wasn't this perfect guy I thought he was, and realized that I didn't like his personality all that much when it comes to being the guy of my dreams. And then there was this other guy. Perfect. He was exactly like me in every way. He's Hoisan, which is the Chinese dialect that I speak. He has the same hand as me, where my right palm has only 2 major lines, instead of 3 and one of them is too long to be normal. That's when I basically fell for him. And his cheesy humor. I loved all those things. I liked him when I only saw him a few hours a week during my Asian Studies class. But when I took summer classes with him, I came to dislike him as a potential suitor. He was way too corny for me, and I think I hurt his feelings one time. I know I can be kind of mean about certain things I say, but it's supposed to be funny. Oh wells. Yeah, he was just like me. I've always thought that I would date myself because I'm so awesome, but I guess I'm kind of annoying as well. lol. In fact, here's a conversation I had with my younger cousin Michelle:

Me: If you met a guy version of yourself, would you date him?
Michelle: No, would you?
Me: I did. Sam. He's just like me, except he's more annoying. Am I annoying?
Michelle: Yes.
Me: Fine, he's EXACTLY like me, and I can't date him. So I can't date myself.

I hope I'll teach my children to love. Say it well and say it often. Sometimes, when my brother comes home really late, my mom would curse his name for being out all the time. She gets quite mad. The question is should you be mad, or mad worried? God forbid, something happened to him, and all you did was get pissed. That's something I don't want to feel. But maybe that's her way of expressing worry. I express mine by knocking on wood.

I think it's an OCD thing, but I worry a lot about every thing. When my mom gets home later than usual, or my brother, or my dad, I worry like hell. I get so scared. As an OCDian, I get these scary imaged in my head, which leads me to worry and knock on my wall to ease this stress. It's scary when you feel like something happened to a loved one. I hate that feeling. That constant worry until you finally know whether they're alright or not. It upsets me a great deal.

My mom isn't really the emotional type when it comes to showing it to her children. There were times where she tells my brother or me to eat shit, or even die. Like, who says that to her children? Especially when I've told her that I've been depressed. She goes and tells me to die. Well, not in the same night, but my depression should have been in the back of her head. The most recent time she said it to me was when we were in China last November. She told me to sit like 3 consecutive times and I said no, 3 consecutive times. And I guess I was louder than usual, and she was like 'Why are you yelling at me? I'm telling you to sit for your benefit. Go die.' As her daughter, I could not say it to her, even though my brother would have been bold enough to say it back. Sometimes, in my head, I would respond saying, 'Fine. But if I die, don't regret it!' and I make a stormy exit. I won't be surprised that I would eventually be mad enough to say that. Oh wells. What can be done? Nothing. She won't change.

I just want to be loved. I think I deserve it.