Loving the Past

As a girl who's always been looking for love, I hate its effect on people. I've always wanted someone to love me as much as I love them. Achieving that, sadly, is not so simple..

I'm 24. I can go down the list of guys that has ever made me feel something extravagant inside. Let's begin. (I'm excited.)

1. 12 years old. Christian Vanegas. He was the first guy I ever fell in love with. It was definitely not love at first sight, but it felt like it. I didn't notice him in fifth grade, but once 6th grade came aroud, it was like nothing I've ever experienced. It was then that I started writing poetry because he touched my heart so much. It was puppy love. I know because when I got my first aol screenname, it was puppylove2487. lol. I thought I would never love anyone else. I remember filling a jar up with red crunch m&m's because red was his favorite color and crunch was his favorite. Do you know how many individual m&m packets I had to buy and sort through?? Maybe that's why I'm overweight. haha. But yea. I still remember his phone number. Stole it from someone. I called it once and it was crazy! And here's why. His number is 591-1_ _ _. I guess I didn't press the 5 hard enough and I accidentally called.. the authorities!!! It was like, 'hello, police department. How can I assist you?' and I was like 'omg, I'm so sorry. I got the wrong number!' I bet the police dude was like, 'who calls the police by accident?!' lol. But yeah, that was the last time I ever did that.. and that's why I still remember his number.. Sad.

2. 13 years old. Steven Assous. Ah, the first time I saw him, it was ridiculous. I couldn't take my eyes off him. It was in art class. He was this short, chubby guy with the darkest pair of eyes. Funny and flirty. Man, I liked him so much that I was just lovestrucked. And he definitely knew.. He had 2 guys that I think spied on me. He definitely sees me checking him out. I wonder if he checked me out too. Sigh.. He changed schools after a year, but I met him again in high school. I remember finding him in the phone book and writing a letter to him. I was so embarrassed and mortified afterwards that I tried avoiding him at all costs in high school. When I first saw him again in high school, he was taller and skinnier. He was very good looking, but my feelings changed. He stood next to me once on the bus and asked if I knew him. I acted like I didn't but he knew I knew. He was in one of my classes in college as well. He's too good looking for me. Too clean. That was the last time I ever saw him.

3. 16 years old. Alex Levine. High school, sophomore year. He was one of my friend's friends and boy did I like him! He was really nice and he's funny. I could have talked to him all day! His hand was warm and sweaty. Sadly, I knew him for only a year because he changed schools after a year. He took the same bus home as me so I would see him sometimes on my bus. One time when we still didn't know each other that much, we were on a crowded bus and I was holding onto the handle and he was sitting down. The bus stopped so abruptly that I lost footing and sat on him. I was so mortified!!! I couldn't have apologized enough!! Ahh. Yeah. I liked him so much. Now, I see him on Facebook and he's totally changed. He's not that shy kid that I once knew. He's more of a partyer and kind of creepy. I don't know what to think of him, but I hope under all that, he's still the same guy I fell for.

4. 17 years old. Danny Kang. Never spoke to him. He just seemed like a really nice guy. That's all.
There was also this new kid. He took the same bus to school as me at the same bus stop. He has long gelled bangs and smokes. So bad ass! I guess that's why I liked him. Smitten. I think his name was Philip. Never met him.

5. 17.5 years old. Jun Jeong. That jerk face. It was definitely not love at first site, because he was in one of my classes sophomore year and I didn't even realize it until 2 years later. I think I started liking him on my birthday in math class. I guess I took his niceness for love and I was smitten with him. I would write about him on xanga and he would read them because he had one too and we would look at each other's. He didn't know the person I was writing about was him. One of my xanga posts was a poem that ended in "___" which was supposed to be his name. So I guess that's how he figured it out. I didn't know he started ignoring me in college until one day on his birthday, I wrote on his Facebook wishing him a happy birthday and he erased it the second I posted it. I confronted him on it too and he just walked away from me. And that's how our friendship ended. To add insult to injury, years later, he started dating Joann Lin. We knew each other because we were in the same high school. She was one of my close friends whom I took the bus home with. She knew I liked Jun. I didn't care that they went out. What I cared about was that she first refused my request to add her as a friend on Facebook. She accepted the second time. This made me wonder if Jun was talking shit about me. I've done nothing wrong to him, so what could he possibly say about me? That this fat ass bitch liked him and won't leave him alone? I just don't understand what I did. And she knew I liked him so it shouldn't have come to a shock if he told her that I liked him. Oh wells. I was so stupid. One time, I saw a picture of them two at the beach and I commented on it saying '2 Commodorians!' since that was the Bayside HS mascot. But it was so stupid that I erased it. I knew she was ignoring me too when I wrote on her wall asking how she was doing and she didn't respond. Well, I didn't want that negativity to bring me down so I deleted her as a friend. She later created a new Facebook and added me so I accepted after a couple of days of thinking about it. She actually responded to me this time so I'm willing to put it behind us. They're not dating anymore, but still friends, it seems. That's all I have to say about that. I gained no closure as to why they treated me as such because according to him, I am one of the nicest people he has ever meet. I guess I understand that if someone you don't like likes you, you don't want to deal with it. But I thought it was ridiculous how he handled it. He just totally zoned me out. If we spoke about it, I would have surely backed off. It's not like I would have acted on my feelings or sabotage his relationships. Fucking bullshit. But yea. That's it. Talking about it brings back such hate in me, yet I know he's not a bad guy so I can't wish harm onto him. I hope he gets mad mosquito bites!!! Moving on.

6. 19 years old. Joe Ferrara. He was difficult for me to let go when I tried. I met him when I volunteered at Chapin Home for the Aging. He was my boss's son. He was 24 at the time. He was the nicest guy I've ever met. So I thought. I guess he took interest in me because I was around his age. But I see how he interacts. He's nice to everyone. But I was so hooked and blinded by him. When I started working there as an on-call, he would ask me to work on certain days. Of course, I said yes. Always yes because I wanted to work with him. But it wasn't until I fell out of love with him that I realized that he was using me. He wanted to take certain days off and used me to replace him for those days he requested. He wanted me to work because he can't take off unless he finds someone to take his place. I was a fool, but I can't blame him. I would have done the same thing if I knew a guy liked me. I remember he told me he knows whenever a girl likes him. Many times, he tried to get me to reveal my feelings. One time, I asked him for help and he leaned over and put his hand on mine. At that moment, I didn't know what to do. But after, I thought, man the table was so big. Out of everywhere that he could have placed his hand, it had to be on mine. I think he liked a lot of people. Why shouldn't he? He was a really nice guy, and there were mad college girls who came to volunteer from St. John's. He even started dating one of them. He told me about it, but I already knew then. He told me that when he likes someone, that's where all his mind goes to and I saw that in his work. He zones out a lot. It was crazy. But I stopped liking him before they started dating. I remember once that I cried myself to sleep when I heard he was leaving the nursing home. But I got over it. But when I was crying my eyes out, I thought I could never have stopped loving him. I was that infatuated. But it was a turn off that he said he focuses 100% on the person he's with. I don't want to be the cause of people's incompetence. It's funny to think that, but it's quite sad. I went to my first bar with him. He asked why it always takes me so long to respond. And it literally took me long to respond to that question because I was shocked. LOL. I don't know. I guess I want to think about what I say before I say it. Maybe because my mind is blank most of the time. But he made me realize that no matter how much you can like a person, feelings will eventually change and we move on. I was always shy around him. He just made me very awkward. Maybe because I liked him. Not sure, but I don't want to see him. I think I saw him once bicycling with a girl near my house and I ran across the street just to avoid someone who could have been him. I think I fear the fact that he still thinks I like him the way I used to. I fear that a lot because nothing pisses me off more than when people misunderstand my feelings. He's such a nice person that I do not doubt he'll make someone really happy one day. I'm just really happy I was over him. I remember telling him how I like how White guys kiss because they were so passionate compared to Asian kisses in movies. I can't believe I said that! And I was drunk, indeed!

7. 22 years old. Samuel Wong. He was like the guy version of me. I really liked him too because he and I were so alike in so many ways. He even have the special hand lines that I have!! I thought he was my soulmate. He was funny, nice, and Taishan! It was ridiculous that he and I were like this. But getting to know him made me change my mind. He was still everything I described him to be, but I didn't feel it anymore. I guess you could say that I wouldn't date myself. I feel like he's funny all the time and I want someone who knows when to act a certain way. What if I want to talk about something serious and deep? I need someone to satisfy that part of me. I think I was a bitch to him once. That, or he was being sensitive and I called him out on it. I felt like a bitch for doing so. We're still friends. We challenge each other to games occasionally, but that's about it. We will never be anything more.. And it's good because he's a pretty good friend.

So looking back at all these guys I've liked, I see that they're not as important to me as I used to think. I'm glad to know that I can love hard, but I learned that love's lost doesn't mean love is over. There's over 7 billion people. Life is so short, yet the list of loves are endless! High hopes for love for a shy girl who's never been in a relationship. Some call me naive, but I believe he's out there and he's waiting for me.. <3