Mind Cheating

I had a dream about my best friend's first love.. I felt like I betrayed her..

Well, my best friend fell in love 3 years ago to a guy that is a fairly decent person. He's very personable and not bad looking. He's playful in nature and smart. Yeah, he's very likable, but I don't like the fact that he gave up on their relationship after things started getting complicated.. such as having a long distance relationship. For that, I can't respect him..

This wasn't the first dream I've had of him. The first I think it was just me and him standing on a street corner in Flushing at around 10 p.m. waiting for Jenny to be done with her classes. Then a women right next to us had a heart attack and we both tried to look for help for her. That was it. I told her about the dream and the first thing she asked me was whether I thought about him often.. I was pretty ticked off that she would ask me that because we're best friends and the fact that she was the common denominator in the dream was obviously irrelevant to her. All she saw was that I dreamt about the ex that got away.

Well, this dream I had last night was a pretty darn good dream considering the fact that I don't have any male contact in real life. Any action from dreams are welcomed actions in my heart. But for my mind, because it was my best friend's first love, it was a bit unsettling.

The dream, as far as I can remember, was that he was very drunk and I was the only one with him, so I basically carried him to my house. For some reason, I put him on my mom's bed because that was the "normal" place to put him. At that time, I tried to get him into the bed and let him sleep it off, but he just grabbed a camera (as if it was his house and we were in his room) and he took a picture of me because he wanted to keep this memory of me. I don't know why.. but that was the moment that I started having feelings for him. (In the dream only, of course) It probably could have been anyone and I would have liked him the moment I felt he had feelings for me as well. It was a very vulnerable moment and I just felt a connection.

The next thing I knew, my mom came home and I tried to explain to her that he's drunk and I had nowhere else to take him. She cried hysterically saying that she couldn't believe I had the balls to bring a guy home that wasn't my husband. This was weird because I've never seen my mom cry so I think my mind made up an image that was just overly animated. [update: 2/12, I told my mom about this dream when my relatives were talking about relationships one night. She was telling my 16 year old cousin to find a boyfriend. When my cousin asked her why she doesn't tell me that, she said I don't have the confidence to do so. Yea, mom's given up hope on her dear daughter. Then I told them about the dream for a good laugh. It was a fun moment.]

The last thing I remembered was that he moved on to somebody new. She was a friend of mine who's as innocent as can be. And I was a bit jealous. I couldn't hate her. She was too kind to hate. And he was just being a "guy".

Then I woke up.

How do I interpret this? Is it that he's a jerk that preys on innocent girls and try to corrupt them? Do I have the right to hate myself for having a dream about a guy that, after 2 years of breaking up, my best friend is still in love with him? I don't know. I feel bad, but know it's not my fault. So the guilt shall end with this sentence.

So, today I woke up and I started exercising. I did about an hour on the treadmill. And man, was I funky. Took a shower and went to Chapin Home for lunch with my dear friend, Kathy. The main thing I love about hanging with Kathy is that even though I have nothing to say, she gets the conversations going, yet she never centers the attention on herself. We spoke about some irrelevant things, but we also touched on religion and Buddhism. We spoke about meditation and how we have to control the way we think to become a better person. The lunch was very enlightening. As far as I can remember, I looked up to Kathy because she was such a kind person and the way she thinks is very inspiring. She spoke about how we all have our own journeys to go through and how we should never dwell on the bad because it creates suffering in us and for those around us. And it got me thinking.. I know I am a great person with a great heart, but I also know that I have an attitude about me that needs more controlling. Even though many people don't see this side of me, those close to me do. They are in my life so much that they have to see this part of me. The part that is angry, bitchy, moody and opinionated. But is that me? A part of it is. But most people see the gentle, sweet, innocent, lovable, quirky, shy me. That's a part of me too. So who is the real me? I'm not sure.. It's not like I make up a personality to gain friends. It's just that different people open up a different part of me.

I told Kathy that the last thing that really frustrated me was taking my finals. Even though it ended well (1 A. 3 A-. 1 B+), after taking each exam, I felt so helpless because I realized that I got all the easy questions wrong. I guess you can color me cocky, but I was focused on the hard ones that I forsaken the ones that were basically free points.. I told her that I came home, got really frustrated and I started punching walls. I told her that if I didn't get emotional, it would have felt as if the final didn't matter to me enough. But she said that that's not true. And I see that now.

I'm going to listen to some podcasts on meditation by Sharon Salzberg because Kathy said she's amazing. I'm downloading them on my iTouch as I'm writing. Hopefully, I'll be enlightened and it'll help me go through the stresses in life..

I hope I take these lessons and apply it to my life, and maybe rub some of it off on Jenny because she's become so negative. Well, what can you expect if those around you are bringing you down? Well, let's take this one day at a time.

Peace out.