Hiding From Love

So I finally got a new itouch after having my second generation one for about 3 years. I mean, can you blame me when my old one can't even update anymore? And I really want the camera.. I bought it on Black Friday when it was about $20 cheaper. I was positive I'd get it, but what to put as the engraving was the problem. I needed something that defined me as a person. I wanted something that I wouldn't get sick of looking at. I needed inspirational words and what's more inspirational than Plato? Here were a couple of lines I was considering but they were either too long or too short.

1. What's that smell? The answer my friend is blowing in the wind.
2. Fortune favors the bold.
3. Skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair as black as ebony.

Now I'm just waiting for it. Oh, I just love my quote. I thought about how romantic it'd be if a guy gave me an engraving like that and then wrote a poem to me..

It's almost the end of the year and I still haven't accomplished everything I wanted to by the end of this year. This was supposed to be my year. The Year of the Rabbit. I was supposed to lose weight, have a boyfriend, and a stable job. But I have neither.. But at least I got my Masters. That's a pretty big accomplishment that I should be proud of. And I am.

If some divine Destiny writer is saving someone great for me, I sure hope that I don't have to wait much longer for him. And if he was indeed already in my life, then bygone it, I wish I get a clearer sign. We all know how clueless I get with these things.

This leads me to the topic worth discussing. It came across to me when I was listening to Elliot Yamin's "Fight For Love".

"I see that some people fight for love
they stick with it
just can't quit it
some people hide from love
they run from it
cause they don't want it"

This got me thinking. I'm shy. There's no doubt about it. People see it because when they talk to me, I get like a little girl hiding behind mommy's dress. The question is, do I use my shyness to hide from love? There's no doubt that I want love. Badly. There's nothing in this world I want more than the love of a man who sees me as their other half, and he is mine. But the very thought of a guy flirting with me is so awkward that I shake it off as a joke. When a guy cares about me, I get scared. I'm scared of not being a good girlfriend. What if I ruin things? What then?

Some guys scare me. Those, I can't be myself around. They have a tendency to make me nervous. Is that love? Maybe. But I want a comfortable love. I want to be able to be my goofy self. To marry prince charming is not something I want. I was raised a certain way and I get a kick out of being sarcastic. Prince charming would only inhibit this side of me. I just want a good person with a good head on his shoulder. I could write a list of all the qualities I want in a guy, but most things on that list is negotiable. It's the attraction that really hits me hard.

Am I self-sabotaging by being myself?