Fighting to Feel Positively Thankful

I'm thankful for everything positive. Nothing will bring me down faster than negativity. As contagious as laughter is, a person's unhappiness is like a virus that spreads to whomever they came into contact with. It's true that life is truly really short. Why spend all this time worrying about the future and the things that make us sad?

My best friend once told me that I was awesome for always looking at the brighter side of things. And I loved that she noticed. I'd be grateful if this attitude could rub off on her. Everyone has self esteem issues. I am no exception. If anything, I'm so self-conscious that I keep my feelings hidden so far inside that people can't get to know me wholeheartedly. I know I'm self-conscious because of body issues. I keep myself closed from the world because of the way I was raised. I wished my parents showed me more affection growing up. Then I wouldn't feel awkward hugging people and telling people that I love them.

Being positive is hard sometimes when you live in hostile environments. This is not to say that I live in some hood gangster town. I'm talking about family. People are surprised that I don't really talk to my brother. I told this guy once that my brother and I don't really speak to each other even if we live together. We normally try to keep out of the others' business. When he's in the living room watching TV, I'm usually in my room on my Macbook. When I go out to the living room to eat, he'll let me watch the TV and he'll go back to his room. That's our relationship. It's not a bad one. It's just quiet. We're communicating somewhat more now, but still quiet.

Same with my parents. We don't sit around and talk about our feelings. My dad works all day. He comes home around 11 and would sometimes come to my room and we would bump fists. If he had something to share, he'd bring it up. I like these little conversations because unlike my brother and mom, I don't really judge. He's the type that likes to send money to his hometown and make their quality of life a little bit better. It's not like we're rich, but we're better off than people in his hometown. There's nothing wrong with helping even if that means we have to keep our super old refrigerator for another year.

I'd normally tell my mom about my day if it's juicy enough. She's weird about her space. Two days ago, I was baking cookies and I was finishing up my last 2 batches when she came home. She saw me in the kitchen and made a nasty comment about how I was going to be in her way when she cooks dinner. I snapped at her. I told her that it wasn't that serious. All she had to say was that she needs the counter top and I'd move my stuff somewhere else. It made me feel like I was in her way so I try to stay out of her way most of the time. She stepped on my feet yesterday and she didn't even apologize for it. It wasn't her first time doing it either. My room was basically my sanctuary. She also kicks me out of the living room when she wants to watch TV or sit in a certain sofa seat. She knows that she can pick on me so she does. Sometimes I'd say nothing and walk away. Sometimes I yell back. When I stay quiet, she says that it's unhealthy to hold things in. When I yell, she calls me a bitch. She has a bipolarness about her. Sometimes, I just want to leave this house. I don't feel loved half the time. It's heartbreaking being here when I have to live in such an environment where I'm not respected most of the time by her. What can I do when all I want to be is positive and people just bring me down with their attitudes? I cope. I cry. I take care of my own feelings. I try to look at the positive. I try to make sure that I find some happiness from all of this because there are people in sadder situations.

Everyone has things that will bring them down. No one is an exception to this regardless of how perfect they seem from the outside looking in. We are all human. We all need some repairing. That's probably why I want someone to love and to be loved back. I want someone to by a healing soul.

I am thankful for the positive things in my life. I want to smile with my lips, my eyes, and my heart.

I know people can't be positive all the time. I'm thankful for the times people do stay positive. I respect people for trying to stay positive through the sadness people face.